When are you the hardest on yourself?

beanbean

Registrant
When do you find yourself watching yourself the most? When do you hold yourself to the highest standards, even when they are unattainable? When do you meet yourself with punishment instead of grace?
 

Samson360

Registrant
When do you find yourself watching yourself the most? When do you hold yourself to the highest standards, even when they are unattainable? When do you meet yourself with punishment instead of grace?
Pretty much all the time. Every day I find myself berating myself with the worst possible language. I tell myself what a piece of shit that I am. I have a neuromuscular disease so I'm always dropping something and even though that is such a small thing, I curse myself to no end. I can't believe that at 53 years old that the words of my father still stir inside my mind. Him telling me how worthless I was, how I would not amount to anything and that I just get in the way. It's sad for a nine-year-old boy to hate his father as much as I truly did, but after all hatred is the only thing he showed me. And in the sexual molestation between nine and 11 years old and then becoming disabled and losing my vision really caused me to spiral into deep depression which I have dealt with ever since. I've been seeing the same therapist for five years and what I wanted the most was to deal with the self-hatred and self-criticism but to no avail. One other thing is that my legs are very small because of the disease and I have to say that I have always had and still do a very small penis. So even though when I'm at home I prefer to be naked, but I will never look at my body in a full-length mirror. I know that if I could actually love myself and accept myself as I am then that would be a tremendous turning point. But for now it's a daily thing that affects my spirit very much.
 
This is a very important conversation. Based on my particular circumstances, I tend to follow threads of others 50+ in a stage of semi-retirement. I qualify this response as biased towards having time freedom to "meander" if I'm not diligent with some form of daily "practice". Of late, I find the company that I keep to be much younger than I and in the thick of 30 something struggles. I recognized within a few weeks to maintain strong boundary. I did get distracted. I helped until I started hurting.

I have to temper my empathy and not engage in *saving* the day. I allowed 2 "homeless" to stay at my place to get their bearings. This enabling brought me to a state of homelessness. I demand radical honesty, now. I am not phased by the term "asshole" as I hear it with a boundary or "No".

The military standards buffered me from many of life's troubles. Like people coming into your home and stealing your things. I don't think like a thief, so didn't defend myself against thieves. So, I must be a bit more guarded than is my nature.

As a trafficked kid and a foster child combined with generational addictions, I had to make a conscious choice to offer everyone trust especially when a rumor would be spread. I "ran into fan blades". Most often I navigated the world opposite of what my feelings, mental state compelled me to act. I evaded many self-imposed traps...but still made me vulnerable to self sabotage (especially since I could see the hurt coming way in advance).

I start the day journaling with a list of gratitude's and 3-5 tasks to accomplish.
 

ODAT

Registrant
I beat myself up the most when I forget that I am not perfect. If I make a mistake (especially a simple one) I can be very harsh on myself. I assume blame when others are not happy (as I have tried to be a people pleaser my whole life.) This comes with the territory when one has low self-worth and carries abundant shame. This is difficult for me to overcome as I’ve done it since my abuse at 8. But I am a work in progress…One Day At a Time!
 
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