When and how much to disclose?

[Raphael]

I have known about the abuse I went through all my life. Maybe there is more to it than I can remember but it has always been there in the back of my mind. In my early twenties I sought the help of a therapist but not exactly for the abuse, but for its effects: sexual identity issues, depression,porn addiction, etc. I would see a therapist for some time then stop for another while feeling that I was okay, then seek the help of another therapist. It was only two years ago that I found a therapist who really understood about sexual victimization of children and really addressed the issue the way it needs to be addressed. Only then I started to understand that most of the things that were bothering me in life had to do with the abuse, that is, not only the sexual stuff but also the feeling of emptiness, of helplessness, the low self-esteem, etc, etc. At this point I was married and had children. I felt I needed to talk to my wife about the abuse and I needed her support during the process of recovery. I wanted her to understand that if I were sad, it was not because of her, and that sometimes I would need time to myself but it had nothing to do with not wanting to be with her. So we talked. But I never had the courage to give her the full picture of what is going on with me. I told her about the abuse in detail, that it was with my brother, what happened, etc. I told her about nightmares I keep having, about anxiety attacks, about fear, low self-esteem, etc and how all this affects my life, my work, my well-being. But I did not tell her about attraction to males, I did not tell her about visiting gay porn websites, about masturbation, porn addiction, and the one time that I acted out with a guy, someone who had also abused me before, after we were married.

As before, I went to that good therapist for a few months, got out of the crisis and felt I could do the rest on my own. WRONG! The effects are becoming acute again, I am in a big depression, porn addiction getting intensified, etc, etc, and that's when I come to you guys. I told my wife I am not doing well again and that I need to go back to therapy. (my old therapist has moved out of town but I found a new one who will see me this Thursday for the first time) I told my wife again about nightmares, depression, anxiety - and this is all true. But I feel like I have a double life as I don't show myself to her as a whole. Should I? I fear that if she knows about the homosexual fantasies she will start to keep an eye on me. For example, if I look at some guy in the street I fear that she may ask herself if I am attracted to him. Or if she knows about the porn addiction, she will start not trusting to leave me alone with the computer at home. I also fear that it may affect our own sexual relationship.

Am I too paranoic???

I know some of you guys are also married and go through the same issues. How did you go about it when it came to disclosing things to your wife?

A related question is that I sometimes feel like shouting out to the world about the abuse!! I feel like telling my family, telling relatives, telling close friends, etc. Have you felt this way too?

 

[Dan88]

This is a tough issue. I'm probably in the minority here, so I look forward to hearing what others have to say. But I think the answer depends on why you want to disclose.

Is it because you are feeling shame and want to clear your conscience? Is it because you're feeling guilty and want to clear your conscience? If so, those are not good reasons, IMO. She cannot relieve you of shame. And she cannot give you a clear conscience. So you would be asking her for validation that it's not in her power to give. It would amount to simply avoiding the tough stuff of recovery. She cannot walk in your shoes, so is it any wonder she might start to get suspicious since she simply would not know what's going on in your head? I would not put my wife in the position where she would feel like she had to be my guardian or my therapist.

On the other hand, if you're thinking about disclosing something to her because it's in her best interest to know, I think you should. Now this can be a tough question to decide in some instances, but I think there are some pretty clear cases where you would need to talk to her. If you have put her health at risk because of your activities, I think that the answer is obvious. And if you think you are gay and intend to explore that, obviously she should know sooner rather than later because of the way it will impact her.

As to what I've done, I've had mixed success disclosing abuse. At one point in my life I told a fair number of people--friends mostly. Unfortunately I've learned the hard way that people really don't understand what it means, and it prompts a lot of fear and suspicion--not of the perp but of me. So in general I keep it to myself at this point. Within my family, my brother knows all about it, but no one else.

It really is a catch 22. I know it would probably be mentally healthier for me to have no reservations about telling people about it. But experience has taught me that it will subject me to a tremendous amount of discrimination. So I'm pretty careful about who I tell now.

 

[Brayton]

What I do is, periodically, ask my partner if he has any questions. This encourages him to ask about any behavior or mood change that is confusing to him or causing him concern.

I sometimes volunteer information about some behavior of a sort that he has found confusing in the past.

For me, these choices preserve the sort and level of emotional safety that I feel I need now.

Some of his questions have been difficult, especially concerning the use of p'orn and about fidelity.

I have explained the former in terms of why I am drawn to it and how I use it but I am still hiding the extent of my use. If he suspects it, he is not asking about it. And, since he has not been asking about it, after I have given him 'permission' to ask about it, I assume that our silence, for the time being, is what is most comfortable for us both.

I have assured him that the latter will not happen. And, I am confident that it will not. I don't know what I'd say if I weren't so confident. If I had to, in all honesty, answer that, in that case, I think it would lead to couples therapy.

I do believe that it is important to bring an objective person into the discussion as soon as possible when very difficult issues come up.

That hasn't happened yet but I have mentally prepared myself should it happen.

I always give priority to maintaining a safe emotional place for myself. I feel that survival and a successful climb out of victimhood is impossible without it.

 

[Nightwolf]

I have been totally honest with my wife the last month or so, she knows everything. It's hard on her but yet I feel like a huge weight is lifted off of me. She knew when I was strugging even when I never said a word, our emotions and actions key them in. Women have a great intuition so your wife may suspect more than you realize.

If you are seeing a new therapist Thursday get their input on this. Good luck

 

[Raphael]

Thank you guys. This is very helpful. If anyone else would like to share their experience please do. It is helping me a lot to get your perspective on this.

Trying to answer Dan. You are right, I guess part of my motivation in telling would be for peace of mind. Not exactly because of forgiviness but because I would feel that the person that cares about me the most in this world can see me as a whole, and I am not hiding anything from her. I would feel more honest with her, I guess. But still, it is difficult to share things that I am so ashamed about, and I fear the negative consequences of sharing.