When? (After therapy thoughts) *triggers*

[CarbonTiger]

When do we stop punishing ourselves? How long will this take? and why?

I just want to know when this all stops?
Won't you all just lie to me and tell me its all going to get better. That i'm going to be ok. Isn't this what we need to hear? To be reassured.

Therapy is my responsibility, my burden, a gift and a goddamned curse. It is to heavy for me to carry anymore. My body doesn't know when to give in to the feelings. I have become an architect in my own mind and built an emotional resistance against all the shit & decay. I don't understand these complexities of life because I refuse to process these difficult memories. Its the fact that there are more and I don't want to face them yet. I think i've reached my limit perhaps.

Deep down I still believe but there are times like this that my body just reacts to the emotional trauma of sexual abuse that became violent.

I just feel like another statistic, another number on the board, in the page, apart of some fact. It makes it meaningless because nothing (I want) can be changed. This complete effort to be in therapy for the past 2 years has been the hardest part of my life. I know I made progress but the light at the end of the tunnel was a false hope. It was merely a reflection. This is where I feel the need to go back, turn around and be alone. I can see myself shutting off for awhile. Aimlessly getting by day-to-day, fading into the background, turning on observation mode while all of this passes... Waiting... alone.

How much does one have to deal with before they lose themselves in their own mind?

Don't answer that. Its rhetorical. I fear one day my mind will collapse and the control I seek to gain will be lost. Deep down I believe i'm strong enough, however its days like this, that I question my ability to do such things.

Ok, after therapy free write done. Time to cry in the shower...

 

[Rick K]

Hi Carbon Tiger,
First off, let me say you wrote what I am currently feeling.

Your post and thoughts are extremely insightful, and I was able use your words to explain to my wife my feelings. I too have been in therapy two years, one of those with my current therapist. I too need desperately for the pain, the sadness, the flashbacks and memories to stop. I was asked to explore a certain year and found the memories too difficult to encounter. It is important to realize when to pull back from exploring, and that realization for me can be seen as growth, as I use to let my mind go wild.
I felt compelled to write and tell you thank you for expressing your thoughts, as they helped me express them to my wife. The absolute frustration and sickening journey we are on is incredibly difficult. You are in my thoughts and I hope you can concentrate on the positive growth you’ve made sometime soon. You will, we will, keep plugging away at this.

Don’t know why I never thought of this...crying in the shower. Thanks!

“Step out of the thoughts for a bit today. Do something for you. You are in better control of when and what you will allow your mind to think. Step out and give yourself the compassion and praise for the impossible work you are achieving.” That’s what my therapist told me yesterday when I explained my absolute frustration with what I perceived as failure to heal. It took decades for me to get to this point, it will take time to get better.

Being at this point is extremely painful for me, and I wrote because I realize that you too are feeling that pain. I hope it eases, I hope the growth we do see in ourselves is enough to help us move forward. I do know your post, knowing I am not alone, helped me. Take good care my friend and thank you.
Rick

 

[randomnumber]

I feel like this constantly. While I make progress in small steps I feel like I am never really getting anywhere. Its like running a marathon except I chose to walk instead of run. So while the rest of life runs off into the distance I'm trying to catch up but I'm walking so its not possible. I have serious doubt I will ever be able over come my major issues which is depressing. Some days I am able to push these thoughts into the back of my mind, other days they weigh me down like a ton of bricks. But for now I keep going to therapy in hopes things could change. I certainly have given up on therapy a few times in the past. And it could happen again.

 

[randomnumber]

When I think about my progress or lack there of I often become angry and bitter then depressed. That always leads to dark thoughts. The baby steps are often hard to see but I hope the cumulative effect of many baby steps will get me to the finish line.

 

[CarbonTiger]

Hi Carbon Tiger,
First off, let me say you wrote what I am currently feeling.

Your post and thoughts are extremely insightful, and I was able use your words to explain to my wife my feelings. I too have been in therapy two years, one of those with my current therapist. I too need desperately for the pain, the sadness, the flashbacks and memories to stop. I was asked to explore a certain year and found the memories too difficult to encounter. It is important to realize when to pull back from exploring, and that realization for me can be seen as growth, as I use to let my mind go wild.
I felt compelled to write and tell you thank you for expressing your thoughts, as they helped me express them to my wife. The absolute frustration and sickening journey we are on is incredibly difficult. You are in my thoughts and I hope you can concentrate on the positive growth you’ve made sometime soon. You will, we will, keep plugging away at this.

Don’t know why I never thought of this...crying in the shower. Thanks!

“Step out of the thoughts for a bit today. Do something for you. You are in better control of when and what you will allow your mind to think. Step out and give yourself the compassion and praise for the impossible work you are achieving.” That’s what my therapist told me yesterday when I explained my absolute frustration with what I perceived as failure to heal. It took decades for me to get to this point, it will take time to get better.

Being at this point is extremely painful for me, and I wrote because I realize that you too are feeling that pain. I hope it eases, I hope the growth we do see in ourselves is enough to help us move forward. I do know your post, knowing I am not alone, helped me. Take good care my friend and thank you.
Rick

Wow, Rick thank you for saying that. I didnt realize my words meant that much or were so powerful for you. I'm not sure what to say, its really hard for me to respond on here because i'm so emotional. I want to acknowledge what people respond with and get lost in choosing the right words.

I hear you brother loud and clear and my heart goes out to you. I'm also happy to hear you have support with your wife. Its truly something when we look outside of ourselves and see the support we have around us, sometimes going unnoticed.

I hope so too my friend, deep down I do hope. As the years pass its just getting harder and harder for myself to come back or bounce back. Thats the problem too, the years pass faster and faster it seems. Anyway thanks for writing here. Feel free to message me if you want.

TC,
-ct

 

[CarbonTiger]

When I think about my progress or lack there of I often become angry and bitter then depressed. That always leads to dark thoughts. The baby steps are often hard to see but I hope the cumulative effect of many baby steps will get me to the finish line.

I know exactly what you mean. I have felt that same way too before. And to add to both posts you had. I feel like I have to dial it back. My mind can accomplish so much but I don't. My CSA has affected so many choices I've made and opportunities I had the chance at.

Since my accident last year... and the other near death experience in October I decided that my life is basically defined on a much smaller scale. If I leave the house and make it home to my bed, while adding something good to the world, i can know "I should feel happy about it."

I'm proud when I don't have a panic attack in the shower. I'm proud now I can recognize when something triggers me. Its tough because I know without my CSA, I could have accomplish and can accomplish so much more. I make choices based on enduring & surviving now. Its not easy but its what I know. An unrecognized talent so to speak.

sometimes, I'm just over feeling the way I do. Anyway be well bud. Thank you for writing here as well. Feel free to message me, if you want.

TC,
ct

 

[MO-Survivor]

When do we stop punishing ourselves? How long will this take? and why?

I just want to know when this all stops?
Won't you all just lie to me and tell me its all going to get better. That i'm going to be ok. Isn't this what we need to hear? To be reassured.

Therapy is my responsibility, my burden, a gift and a goddamned curse. It is to heavy for me to carry anymore. My body doesn't know when to give in to the feelings. I have become an architect in my own mind and built an emotional resistance against all the shit & decay. I don't understand these complexities of life because I refuse to process these difficult memories. Its the fact that there are more and I don't want to face them yet. I think i've reached my limit perhaps.

Deep down I still believe but there are times like this that my body just reacts to the emotional trauma of sexual abuse that became violent.

I just feel like another statistic, another number on the board, in the page, apart of some fact. It makes it meaningless because nothing (I want) can be changed. This complete effort to be in therapy for the past 2 years has been the hardest part of my life. I know I made progress but the light at the end of the tunnel was a false hope. It was merely a reflection. This is where I feel the need to go back, turn around and be alone. I can see myself shutting off for awhile. Aimlessly getting by day-to-day, fading into the background, turning on observation mode while all of this passes... Waiting... alone.

How much does one have to deal with before they lose themselves in their own mind?

Don't answer that. Its rhetorical. I fear one day my mind will collapse and the control I seek to gain will be lost. Deep down I believe i'm strong enough, however its days like this, that I question my ability to do such things.

Ok, after therapy free write done. Time to cry in the shower...

CT, for some reason reading your post made me instantly want to respond with a longing and a desire for you and all men here. I wish... I truly wish... that each and every one here could find a friendship where you:

• Feel true, unconditional love - without expectation
• Feel safe and free from anything sexual at all - a friendship like every relationship should have been when we were kids
• Know that there is nothing you can do to drive that friend away
• Experience love like the quote you like to use (Love is patient, love is kind)
• Can have fun and just play
• Can, because of all the thing listed above, have an environment to heal

Life gets in our way. We are constantly coming and going. Relationships and things around us are constantly changing. Trauma and heartache continue to happen. Pandemics come and further isolate us. And what we all need is... time and space in relationship with a friend or friends like that. My T talks a lot about helping the kid in me "grow up," learn to play again, and get out of that frozen spot. It's hard in the roles we are in and the environment we live in to see that happen. But it can happen! I'm not lying to you man. But no trick to make it easier - it's... just... hard... work. But with a payoff

 

[My_Mayberry]

Won't you all just lie to me and tell me its all going to get better.

I think it will get better, and I'm not lying. You're not alone here. <3