Whats the worse that can happen?

Whats the worse that can happen?
T

Thad

Registrant
Whats the worse that can happen?

Many of us kept and still keep our worse fears well hidden. They have such a strong hold on us and are kept hidden by a belief that something very horrible would happen if we ever let them out. I am starting a thread to force the issue, but maybe I will unpeel the onion just so far at first, to keep it safe. Some are spoken as the child, and some are spoken as the adult.

My fears

If my feelings about my mother come to the surface, I will lose what little I get from her as my mother I will be a motherless child my world will crumble around me because I will have no family I am a helpless child who will die without a mommy.

If I allow myself to feel even a little, I will be opening the floodgates to what I can not allow myself to feel It will be the end of me because I will fall apart go back to the mental ward be suicidal lose this paltry substitute life that is all I can manage, my family, my job, a place to live, and money to buy the things I need to keep it at bay (mostly rich food)

If I recover any more memories of SA, I will uncover even more horrors that will be worse than the few that I have now and which nearly caused a breakdown

If I reclaim my hated body and undo the numbness to the constant physical symptoms I feel, I will have to relive my SA I will have to give up the comfort I get from the slow death of ignoring my health in order not to feel besides, dont I deserve to die? Maybe I will want to end it quickly.

If I face the layers of denial which keep me living in the lifestyle of a cripple, I will have to face success only to have it dashed again by the mysterious force which insures that I am not noticed, keeps me less vulnerable, and knows that I dont deserve it anyway.

If I let go of what I know, I will have to face the deeper truths of what I havent wanted to know and will be thrown into the world of the unknown, its too big a risk besides Im too hyper vigilant and controlling of others to allow the unknown to get that close it wouldnt be safe.

Raw stuff for me..t
 
If I stop running to distraction after distraction long enough to feel this sadness, I will cry.

If I cry, I won't stop. I'll hurt more. Crying just makes things worse.

If I get really honest about emotional incest, I won't have the family I never really had anyway.

If I keep spending time on "my recovery" I'll lose the family I created with my wife.

If I feel bad reading about what happened to others, I'm avoiding my own feelings. I'm not really capable of empathy or compassion; I'm just trying to avoid issues in my own life.

But I need to finish up with this. If I don't do the best I can right now, the worst will happen. I'll lose another minute/hour/day/etc of my life to the abuse.

Thanks,

Joe
 
My worst fear is that my parents did know what was happening to me at boarding school.
I have a tiny, tiny, fear that the headmaster did actually tell them something about what had happened to me. And 'disguised' it as "adolescent sex games that got out of hand"

That phrase has been with me forever, I'm so sure he said those words to me when he dismissed my claims of being beaten and raped by 5 or 6 older boys.

Did he use the same phrase to my parents ?

Did they accept that and unwittingly continue their silence thinking they were doing the right thing ?

They are both old and getting very frail now, and it would be cruel to ask them, so I'll never know the answer.

And that's the cause of my biggest fear, they might say "yes, we knew"

How many years does it take to convince myself they don't ?

Dave
 
Bros,

I fear that no one in my family cares about my abuse.

I fear that it is all brushed aside as boys will be boys fucking shit.

I fear that if I share everything that I will not be loved.

I fear that my parents and other may have abused me but I cannot remember if they did or not.

I fear the loss of my friends from this board.

I fear for my brothers

I fear that I will fail and be homeless

I fear that I will fail my brothers

I fear that I am not stronge enough to be the man that I want to be.


lots of love, Nathan
 
Hmmm, Pretty depressing Thread Thad, but I'll add to it.

1) I am afraid of digging too deep into my past.
I am afraid I will wake up something terrible.
A monster.
I don't yet know what turned my Dad into one, and THAT scares me shitless.

2) I am afraid of losing my job, &/or losing the trust of other proffessionals, if they know.

3) I am afraid of losing my friends & extended family, and sibs. That some we just drift away, condem me, call (or think) me to be a lier.

4) I am afraid of even people here knowing me. That somehow, I will be betraid & distorted word will get back home.

5) I am afraid of my anger. Of what it could become.

6) and tough I try to be positive, I am afraid. Afraid of Love.
Afraid of intimacy.
Afraid of the Whole Truth.
Afraid of me.
Afraid of all of you.

I am afraid that these latter ones, will be the key the the first.

I'm still 8, & the world is a frightening thing.

still Blacken....
 
I fear that I will show everyone that I really am the useless failure I try to avoid being

i fear that if my friends knew what happened they would drop me like a stone, or worse, see it as a show of weakness giving them a green light to hurt me.

I fear that my perp continued to abuse others and that I could have stopped it if i had said something... I fear that he still may be abusing others and that I am still too scared to say anything.

I fear letting anyone get close to me.

I fear that abuse is cycular (sp?) and that i will hurt someone the way i was hurt.

I fear that I will always be as scared and lonely as I have been all my life

I sometimes fear that i won't be able to keep my promise to my mother that I won't kill myself.

i fear that this is all there is to life.

Eric
 
I don't know why, but for today, just really for right now, I do not feel afraid....

I'm certain that I have fears.

I'm certain that I could stir them up.

By some miracle, I have fear but at this moment I do not have to feel it.

I can let it rest.

Just for right now.

I will rest.

Just for now, I will enjoy the peace of no fear.

And I will share it with my brothers.

Right now, I am not afraid.

Thank you, Thad, for giving me the chance to know.

In solidarity and support of my brothers,
 
Is anyone surprised that I'm having some fear today?

OK, it's less that 24 hours since I posted yesterday that I was not feeling any fear.

That was as of 5:12 pm yesterday.

Today, this morning, I am experiencing fear.

Today, I'm afraid that the pancreatitis that landed me in the hospital last week is coming back--couldn't sleep last night, woke up feeling chilled and with an upset stomach.

This is, I imagine, how it started the last time.

For some reason, so many of the really great tools that I have learned to mitigate the effects of this fear don't seem to work in the middle of the night! :confused:

Instead, when it's 3 AM and I'm awake again, I pull out my old trusty bag of fear tools---only these tools don't make the fear go away, they make it even worse.

You know, the worrying, projecting the worst, blaming myself for what I surely must have done to cause this, associating feeling bad with being bad: maybe you could add some of your own.

All this goes on when I'm already sleepless, sick and alone at night......doesn't sound too comforting when I write it down.

Someone once observed to me that "If you're still doing it, then it's not OLD behavior."

Really ticked me off. But maybe that's part of the solution too. I feel fear now--and can deal with it now. That's a choice I have.

So maybe writing down the fear and exposing the inutility of my old (or not so old) coping tools will help me to remember not to count on them now.

So, today, I have fear of relapsing into this illness......I suppose I fear relapsing into old acting out behaviors even more.

I guess I must say too that I am fearful of the ongoing effects of sexual abuse on my life.

Will worrying, fretting, blaming myself make that any better?

I'll try some rest and TLC and let you know how it works.....maybe go to one of my meetings at noon today to refresh my perspective.

Thanks guys, it's good to have a few hours without feeling fearful. Having fear and having you guys to listen to me whine about it is pretty good too.

Sure beats living alone with this fear and guilt and shame like I did for so many years.

Thanks, guys, you are all a blessing in my life.

Your brother,
 
Danny,

Make the unwanted behavior old now. Get the rest you need. Review your discharge instructions. Check with your doctor to see if there is any real reason for concern over these possible symptoms.

Don't spend time in fear. Take the action that you know is reasonable.

Be excellent to yourself. (It's not French theatre, but it's still good advice. :D )

Joe
 
Danny

So, today, I have fear of relapsing into this illness......I suppose I fear relapsing into old acting out behaviors even more.
Click to expand...
Isn't that the truth !

Whenever I get a bit stressed, or my smokers cough gets a bit worse and aches and pains move to some new part of me, there's a big fear that I will try to mask it by slipping back into my old fantasies and acting out.

What a comfort they were, they carried me through 31 years. Stress ?????? it didn't bother me, I'd be off somewhere fantasizing about hot sex with strange men, and eventually I did just that.

"Comfort ?" well it was at the time, and I have to admit it worked and kept me alive, but I've moved on, can I say "we've moved on" ? and "we" don't want or need that life anymore.

But the fear of it returning when we're feeling low is very real, too real at times. But it does ease off Danny.
The more we fight it the less effect it has, so even if I do give in to my old ways, they don't have the same comforting effect anymore.

And that's a comforting thought.

Dave
 
My fear is that its all true, what he said I am.

I fear this nightmare has no end.

I fear the morning will not come.

I fear that it shows.

I fear I will never grow up.
 
Ditto EF--I didn't quite know how to express it, but you are right on with my feelings.

Bob
 
I AM AFRAID.
 
I am glad we can be honest with our fears. How often are men able to take off their masks and shed light on the darkness?

I am deadly afraid of working full-time. I haven't needed to for a while because I saved up enough to take a break, I thought I would lose my mind. Now I fear that I will not be able to cope with the responsibility. In a real way I am hiding out from reality.
 
Two of my biggest fears that my brothers will be abused or become abusers. Those are my two greatest fears that I have in this world. It is nice that here I feel I can talk about my fears and now that I am safe and I get support from people that truly love and care about me.


lots of love, Nathan
 
Hey, Guys, do I hear this discussion.

Reminds me of the time when some of us in the family--my spouse's side--built a small bon fire beside the lake and we shared some of our fears.

It was insightful for me because these guys and gals can do anything.

Ya, no shit, if it weren't for my wife and daughters, they would excuse me right now. You know, "David, you can leave now, you're excused."

Anywho, these over achievers started sharing their fears.

Incredible!

It was almost like I was seeing, The Lone Ranger, Wonder Woman, Superman, The Green Hornet, Sheena of the Jungle and The Tomb Raider, undressing right before my eyes.

What is this? Were these people for real? These giants of medicine, the law, professors, telling me that they are afraid of stuff.

Holy Scheisen, Bat Man, these strong, incredibly talented, wunderkind, were sharing their fears with me!

We were on an even playing field. We were sharing fears and anxieties. My, God, we were bonding. We were becoming family like never before.

Kinda like here. Kinda like with you guys, here.

My biggest fear...is...that...you...guys...will go....................away............


Not able to you how much you mean to me....
Davy
 
worst for me is that I will die quickly and suddenly somewhere from the nature of a medical issue I have that is onset as a result of the abuse, or that I will lose control of the constant fear and issues that literally causes my face twitch in ways that freak out people I dont' know. I try not to worry about it too much, although I have my moments. Shit happens. One thing I can be thankful for is that I have more money than I know what to do with, so I no longer will have that stress thankfully.
 
my constant fear is money, losing it, not being able to support myself, losing my house my car my work my family...

I think this is an inverted fear. I am actually afraid of the success I can have, so I focus on lower goals and worry about them so needlessly and constantly, that I lose the strength and ability to work on my writing, sacrificed in order to worry about the piddling details of life.

I will never be good enough, I will put all my effoirt forth and I will get nothing out of it, there it is, my worst fear.

Peace, or not really feeling it, on the eve of submitting my writing to the conference,
James
 
I have been known to entertain fear once or twice...


Once or twice a day.

Really I'm most afraid of cancer. I'm also afraid I'll finish school and no one will hire me for a job.

When I am having these quite deatiled what if sessions I usually will catch myself and snap out of it.

There is wisdom and grace in knowing when to laugh at yourself and when to cry with yourself, if someone could tell me when it's appropriate to do either I would be ever so grateful. :rolleyes:

Peace

Armondo
 
Thanks guys for sharing...this is a tough subject for me to share because I seldom if ever do. Fears?!!!

My two basic fears are that I don't deserve what I have and what I am doing. The second is that I'll wake up one day and find that everyone has discovered I really don't know what they think I know or that I will be found out as a fraud.

I struggle with these constantly and so far I can keep them in check....sometimes...if I try hard...I think?

Howard
 
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