Whats real?

[Broken]

I am getting this woozy feeling of confusion these days. I feel like something in my life is still very wrong even though i have confronted my abuser and have decided to move out with a friend. (Another month until he saves up the money, so another month putting up with my mothers alchoholic chronicly unemployed boyfriend. Sigh, Fuck it, i can survive another month.) Things should hopefully pick up after i leave. Seems like all my life is about anymore is waiting.

The ugly possibility of further abuse is lingering in my mind. The paradox is living with someone who certainly neglected me, allowed me to be abused, and may have abused me herself, but being completely dependant on her emotionally and having no outside perspective. My mother seems to be everywhere in my life these days.

I wish she would just piss off and leave me the fuck alone. I am struggling with so much and she is just not helping me where i need help. Heres a great image for you. She is having a late housewarming party. I haven't been sleeping and have basically degenerated to the point that i can't keep myself clean. After the party dies down, my friends stop by and there is a ton of booze left from the party. I know if i dont drink it, her boyfriend will, so we do our best to down it all. After my friends leave I down half a bottle of burban to myself, then have horrible crossdressing episode and spend most of the night mumbling to myself, masturbating and crying. I finally go to sleep a little before the son comes up, and the first thing i do, to my regret, is take a "shower". This is me basically raping myself until the hot water runs out. (Ironicly, when i woke up my first thought was about dumping what alchohol was left)

So i finish, i'm sore, feel like my soul is bleeding, and the first thing i see when i open the shower door is my mother. She calls me, and i quote, an "asshole" for drinking up her booze. I spend the next five or ten minutes arugueing with her and chewing her out, and you know what? It felt good. For once i was putting my own needs ahead of people who don't deserve my compassion.

This would be very simple if thats all there is to it. But heres another scene for you. Me trying to call a rental agency. I start to dial, then stop. I try again, and i can't seem to push the buttons. Tears start coming out of my eyes and i don't know why. I am afraid and don't know what to do.

My mom is always saying how much she loves me and cares about me and will help me with my depression any way she can. But will she get off her lazy ass and give me a ride? NO. Will she stop keeping alchohol in the house while i try to avoid Ron? NO. Will she let my friends, who have been the only support i have had through this whole ordeal, visit as they please? NO. It's like she is only a mother when it's conveinant.

 

[SoCalJohn]

Broken,

Ya know, family dynamics start early,, and they get ingrained in you,, and by the time your the age you are they are pretty much set in stone and trying to make some effective changes is a real challenge.

I think the getting some distance between you and her is a good idea,, i hope that you move into a place where you can get things going in a healthier direction for yourself, it just sounds so much like you either never learned how to take care of yourself or your mom's house just sabotages all your efforts in that area.

Whatever you do,, just keep taking care of yourself the best you can and be nice to yourself, kk

John

 

[abcd]

Hey Broken!

I can relate to the confusion and emptiness that so often follows a night of "debauchery" (so to speak). Indeed, it is so easy to turn to these things (not just for surviors but for anyone). The key though, I think, is to try to keep focused on the future. As I have said many times before in these posts (forgive me if this is repetitive), you have to think of where you want to be in your life say a year from now or YEARS from now even. Idealize where it is that you would like your relationships with your friends and family (in this case mom) to eventually get to. Focus on that and try bit by bit to see if you can get there. It's not easy and more often than not, they may seem like fantasies, but it has really helped me to keep this vision in mind. This prevents me from falling deeper and deeper into the holes that I get myself into. It's a strange perspective on life if you have never done it before, but I think it's important to kind of step back once and a while and figure that out so that you can sort yourself out from the confusion (at least that is what works for me). It will help you deal with your relationships and help you in your decision making (for instance, you may decide that you need some distance from your mother now but that ultimately, you still want to have a good and perhaps even closer relationship with her in the future; such thinking, I think, would certainly affect how you react to your mother...at the very least, it gives you a plan of action that would at least help alleviate some of the stress which often accompanies indecision or confusion--trust me, I know). One last thing, as SoCalJohn said, whatever you do, just don't give up man and pick up the pieces of your life back together even if you think you've hit an even lower low. You have already survived like the rest of us, and I know that if you could survive your ordeals (as we have), then there is no reason why you can't be where you want to be 10 years from now

 

[michael Joseph]

I agree you need some distance. When you and your friend get the chance move out of the house.