What's it like to have a girlfriend?

What's it like to have a girlfriend?
R

roadrunner

Registrant
MR,

What a cool question! It's very subjective I guess, with many different answers depending on who we are and what we want from life.

When I had girlfriends I was in a kind of denial after years of abuse, and I know that must have affected me a lot. I didn't seek or usually accept (some exceptions) "one night stands"; they made me feel very uncomfortable and dishonest, even though it was clear to both sides that this wasn't going to lead to any relationship. What I really looked for was a woman I could be close to and share with, just be myself without maneuvering or playing games.

What was it like? Well, I just remember that as episodes. Seeing something in a store and buying it because I knew she would like it. Seeing a hilarious postcard and sending it just to see her laugh, and then feeling cheated if she saw it when I was out of the flat. Looking at her and feeling good just to see her. Holding her and feeling like we were one person. Feeling torn in half when she cried. Receiving good news and wanting to tell her first. Receiving bad news and NEEDING to tell her first. Wanting to know everything about her: what does she like, what does she hate, why, when, where... Laughing ourselves hysterical over something that wasn't even all that funny. Liking the idea that she knew my taste in clothes better than I did. Arguing over earth-shattering issues like who has the worst jokes, the ugliest toes and the most impossible mother.

Lots of things bro, :)
Larry
 
Hi MR,

First of all, can I say that no matter who you're with, it's who you are alone that is important-- and I agree with Larry that the best relationhip is one that allows you to feel like the way you do when you're being yourself, at your personal best.

The more comfortable you are being that personal, non-game playing self, in public, the more likely you are to meet someone who brings out that part of you. Someone who is honest, relaxed, and confident already has a lot going for him.

That being said... what's it like to be in a relationship.. I imagine my boyfriend would mostly say that it's a lot of work. I do support my boyfriend, and I love him, and we share good times together. But for the relationship to work, we have to trust each other, communicate with each other, be patient with each other... count on each other to do the boring, responsible stuff...

I guess I'm saying that it didn't happen overnight. Neither of us really knew how to DO all that trust, patience, communication stuff in the beginning-- we had to learn it first and it was very slow and difficult. We have been together for a long time but to be honest, I don't know how much "relating" we were doing for most of that time.

Real intimacy is tough for everyone and quite possibly tougher for survivors. I'm being a downer here, I know, but it's because I see male friends of mine so afraid of being alone that they get reckless-- date women they'll never feel comfortable around, never be able to trust-- or so afraid of being hurt that they panic and sabotage the relationship as soon as it becomes emotionally challenging.

My boyfriend is only with me today because he made the scary choice of being with me-- someone he trusted as a friend-- rather than with someone he could keep at a distance-- and then made the second scary choice of not bailing out when he realized what he'd have to do to get the relationship he wanted.

In the end it is worth the risk and the work. I've got confidence that you can do it when you're ready. :)

SAR
 
Hi MR

I read your post yesterday and just didn't know how to answer it or if I even should, so I waited a bit. I also had to find out what Asperger's is, as I've never heard of it.

As you say, Asperger's certainly does give you some challenges to overcome, but from the little I've read, it can be done with the right therapy. Since I just learned a little, I'm no expert, but I choose to put the positive spin on it.

As for having a girlfriend, SAR is right in that any relationship is work. But when you're in the right relationship, the work itself is something to revel in and be proud of. Just as you get satisfaction from a job well done, whether it's in your career, building something or just cleaning the house, you get tremendous satisfaction from working through and overcoming any obstacles that may be placed in the way of your relationship.

Finding the person you want and need in your life is super hard, under the best of circumstances. The fact that you are dealing with a little known syndrome and the pain of s/a makes it that much harder to (1) find such a person (2) connect with that person (3) trust them enough to give them a look at who you are and (4) start to build a relationship. Notice I said it's hard, NOT impossible.

Every person who has the ability to love is entitled to love back. The fact that you come here to heal yourself and that you ask the question you did, proves to me that you have the ability to love and that you want that.

You said

I think I've felt it (being supported) but I'm just not sure
Click to expand...
.

If you think you've had that, then you probably have. Don't try to over-analize what you may or may not feel. If someone makes you feel good about yourself, then just go with it; it's a nice thing.

I play a game with myself at the end of the day, when I'm lying in bed ready to go to sleep. I force myself to go over my entire day, even if it's been a rotten one, to find something positive. I can always find at least one second in my day when I smiled at something someone said, or a picture that popped into my head, or just because I looked up and saw a picture of my daughter on the computer desk or any number of inconsequential things. The point is, at least one good thing happened even if the rest was crap. That's what helps me wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

Your life is yours and just because it hasn't been the one you would have chosen for yourself that doesn't mean it isn't a life worth having.

Look to the friends you have in your life and try to find more. One of them may turn out to be the girl you're looking for.

ROCK ON......Trish
 
MR

Theres not really much I can add to what people have said above except pick out a couple of things to agree with. If you are capable of loving then you are capable of being loved.

"quote"
I have to stop now before I break down at work...

I presume you felt upset writing your post. Being upset sounds like a feeling to me, in my inexpert opinion. So if you are capable of loving and have some feelings then it sounds to me theres definatly potential for you to have a pretty great relationship with someone!

I also agree with the answer about not overanalysiing. My partner and I have been in couples therapy for over 3 months now. We went thinking she would help us to analyse our situation and we relate to each other. To our surprise she often tells us to just accept some things, have confidence that if we think it is so then it probably is and not to overanalyse or doubt as much.

Also I wanted to say that when I found out that my partner was a survivor and that he buried his feelings and didn't really feel them, it was a surprise to me, I had thought he was a bit insensitive but never realised how deeply hidden his feelings were because he learnt such clever coping mechanisms. Also he felt as if he didn't have a personality so he read loads and learnt lots of things. This, along with being very modest, made him an extreamly likable and interesting man, even though he couldn't believe that himself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if you find feeling and empathising difficult that doesn't mean you can't have a very lovely relationship with someone who would enjoy very much being with you.

I understand people with Aspergers often have special gifts such as above average intelligence and other advantages. Maybe you could learn to maximise your advantages in helping you relate to people and finding the right person for you.

Lastly, maybe you are happy with your tharapist in all other respects but if you find her frustrating you coukld always consider trying another. Maybe Aspergers associations could help there? Also are you in touch with an Aspergers association? Have you tried that as a way to meet people? sorry if you've already done all this.


Good luck in finding the right person for you MR, believe that she's out there somewhere.

Love

Tracy
 
Yesterday, a friend here at work and I were just talking away and I started to talk about myself in more detail: I'm in therapy, discovered I'm challenged by Asperger's, never had a girlfriend, etc. It was weird to see her react when I said I'm an aspie, because she knew exactly what it was and has two nephews who are both challenged by Asperger's and it was way cool to relate to her.

But the point of this post is that she first wanted to set me up with a guy, at first thinking erroneously that I'm gay. After which she says she knows another friend (woman) that she thinks might make a match. My response? I'm not ready. And today, I'm like WTF???! Why the hell did I answer THAT to something I've wanted all my life???

Any advice or views into the matter??
MR
 
MR,

You didn't throw away an opportunity. You were probably put off by her first suggestion that she introduce you to a guy when that is not what you were looking for. Whether you were taken aback by that, or just let it roll, you made the decision that this woman's judgment probably isn't the best.

I don't know anyone in this world who can suddenly come up with two potential dates, one of each sex, "just in case." Your response was the right one because it protected you from her bad judgment. Good for you, even if you didn't realize it at the time, you protected yourself.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
I dunno. Her judgement didn't feel like it was bad judgement. She had no way of knowing which preference in sexuality I had when she offered, until I told her I was heterosexual. She also opened up and told me she's homosexual, which kinda makes sense that you would see someone as homosexual first. *shrug* Who knows...

Whether I protected myself or not is open for debate I suppose. I just felt, and still feel, broken and damaged, and therefore not ready to start dating. I was so fucked up during the month I had to wait for therapy that I kept emotionally exploding at everyone around me and lost 3 friends in the process for good. Some days like today I feel calm and in control of my own senses, and then days like last Thursday and Friday, it took every ounce of energy not to blow up at colleagues and friends for the slightest of reasons. So why would I subject a woman to all that crap? It is the very pattern in my life that I've been doing over and over again pushing people away. I'm just not ready and prepared right now to date, not having the tools and skills necessary to defuse my bombs before they'd blow up in her face. I haven't even met her or know her name and already I know what would happen sooner or later.

Bah what do I know...nothing. Maybe I'm just making excuses to avoid emotional attachments. Gonna have to talk to my therapist about this...

Cute pick on your avatar there Trish. :)
MR
 
MR,

I'm at work, but had to respond, even if briefly. First, I don't know the woman you were speak to and she might be a great person, but that doesn't mean that she has good judgment. From my experience, gay people don't assume everyone else is gay so that argument goes out the window.

Maybe you're right and your not ready, even though having a girlfriend is what you want. BUT, acknowledging that you're not ready is smart. It doesn't mean you won't feel the loneliness; you crave human companionship from someone who is not a friend or family, that's SOOOOOO normal.

Keep talking to your T. It's a new life experience for you and the process will be hard, probably long, but worth every bit of energy you put into it. I hope and pray for you that in short order you feel more in control of your life and will have the confidence to say yes, I'll go on a date. I absolutely believe this will happen. You care, you're doing everything right to make yourself whole and you want much more in your future life than you've had in your past. Those things all add up to success.

I'm sure you'll hear from others who will tell you some of the same things and much, much more.

Be well MR. I hope we'll talk later.

ROCK ON.........Trish

PS: I like the pic too
 
What's it like to have a girlfriend? Well, to me that is the first stage when you're with one girl and it's not a one-night-stand and at that stage I feel like I am dating a female straight out of the mental ward. they laugh, cry, and bitch. Next level is going steady and you add on controlling and jealous. next level is proposal for marriage and then they're normal and giggly all the time. Next step is marriage and then they turn mean, bitchy, cranky, nagging, and whatever else God gave them. One night stands are cool to me. You meet them caress them hug and kiss have sex and go on your merry way. If they ask for personal information i either give it to them or totally provide bogus information. so those are my stages.
 
Alex,

I'm sorry your experiences with woman has been bad. It doesn't have to be.

You've seen what the women on this board are about. We are loving and caring women. Some out there are not. I manage a family law firm and believe me, I see some of the worst behavior that adults can muster, from both men and women. They are not the norm. To be honest, for most of them, the behavior I see is not how they lived their lives before and it's not how they will live their lives after the divorce, it's just an expression of the pain they are dealing with.

MR, you know what you want and what you need. With the help of your T, you will gain the confidence and learn the tools required to reach your goals. Don't let anyone hold you back from that.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Go Trish! Well balanced, good input, especially from someone with your life experience where it all hits you in the face through your practice.

Thankyou for your role here. :)
 
Alex,

I think all those adjectives could be used to describe a lot of men I know! :)

I think a good tactic would be this: When you encounter a woman who is as you describe...look for a different woman.

Much love,
Larry
 
I feel appalled by the kind of women you describe Alex. I feel that women are a bit like ennemies for you. I feel also that the kind of relationships you described are totally neurotic and pathological !!!!
As part of my revovery, I discovered that love and relationship are not about control, or fear, or demands or being victimized...It's about respect, understanding, tenderness, support...
I also learnt that relationship problems are not the parners' faults (in my case they are not the men's faults) but every one's responsability.
A lot of women in ours days don't respect themselves as women because of our education that make us feel less capable, worthy, intelligent than men. So in our career or relationships we bring competition, control, lack of trust... I know that some readings on the tantra philosophy has helped me a great deal to accept my feminity and appreciate what guys have to offer. Since then I have met a few very nice guys when before I met total selfish jerks. My survivor ex bf was not a jerk, but in a great deal of pain, trapped into a neurotic relationship with women because of his abuse. I was also trapped into this pattern because of my own story of abuse. Unfortunately, the wonderful things between us could not balance the huge and violent neurotic patterns. I have changed a lot and lately I have started to date someone really nice and caring. I am trying to overcome the usual patterns (ALL linked the fear of sex and intimacy) so there is hope for me. This make me feel that there is hope for my ex bf too.
I love this thread because I often wondered what guys liked in a relationship with a girl. So thank you for all the sharing
Love and blessings
Caro
 
Hi,
Thank you all for your responses, I enjoyed each one and I mean that honestly from one side of the spectrum in opinions to the other. I do want to say that my statement above is not as inclusive to all women (and men too) as I may have previously implied so if you honor me the request to add the words "on rare occasions," will be good.
Take care and hugs to all!
Alex
 
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