whats going on?

whats going on?
Hi Again,

Well I will chime in with my .02 cents since you were so very helpful with me.

I think this thing you said is very revealing:

Actually sometimes it's quite like if I express my own vulnerability to him (insecurities etc.), he is quite mean to me.

It sounds like YOUR vulnerability makes HIM feel vulnerable, which I would guess he feels very uncomfortable with. (Didn't we already figure out that our bf's shared the same 'type' of abuse?) So because he is uncomfortable with it, he lashes out at you and is mean. This is just a guess.

You also said, I feel he's covering up a lot of himself and it does make me worry about wether or not he is comfortable enough with me as a partner.

I felt almost my entire relationship that my bf was 'covering up a lot of himself'. When I would mention anything about it he would always either deny, or say HE DOESN'T KNOW. When in fact he DID know and there WAS a ton of things he was hiding. But I know now that none of that was because he didn't love me or not feeling comfortable with me, but more about his own doubts about him self, and not feeling comfortable at all with all the pain inside him. At times he seemed to be lost in an abyss of blackness and pain, but totally vague, with no beginning, end, or definition. I think THIS is the thing that he was covering, this inexplicable pain.

You sound like a really great woman. And you also seem to finally be ready to grow yourself. I know that you have been with bf for 12 years (right?) and that to change things now will be an uphill battle at best. But maybe the more you are able to remove yourself (in your mind) from his issues, then maybe you can begin to see more clearly what his issues really are, and how best for you to function in that reality, without taking the burden of the feeling bad on yourself.

Almost as if you are a parent with a child that has some disability (in bf's case emotional disability) and you can see from the adult point of view that when your 'child' is being hurtful toward you, or doing/saying something destructive, you can see it for what it is and not get caught up in 'whoa is me'. Maybe in some way you need to do that w/bf so you can remain detached in a sense.

You detach your own understanding of self worth from his actions and behaviours because you recognize that he is coming from an unhealthy place. Does that make ANY sense?
 
Like when my 3 yr old throws a terrible, angry tantrum, I never wonder, "Oh, no, it looks like she doesn't love me anymore..." Instead I know that she is hurt or tired and needs TLC and rest.
 
I've been trying for days to think of a way to turn this thread around. I thought maybe my original post would do it, but it didn't so I've stayed silent because I just didnt know what to say. BH and Kat your thoughts here are on the money and BH your last post especially hit the nail on the head. While our guys are certainly not 3 year olds, the analogy is perfect.

When we're hurt, any of us, we want to lash out at whatever is causing the pain. If the hurt is bad enough and the cause isn't readily accessible, then whoever the poor soul is who may find themselves closest gets the lash. The old saying "you always hurt the one you love" is very true in this situation because the one you love is the one you hope and pray will not to turn away.

We are the closest to our men. That probably causes as much fear as it does comfort. Like it or not, we see them for what they are and we love them. They don't know why and can't even believe it because they don't love themselves and they are constantly trying to "prove" how unworthy they are. Sometimes, as in my b/f's case, he comes right out and says "Why do you love me, I don't deserve it." That's heartbreaking. Other times, they deliberately try to push us away, almost challenging us to keep loving them, but not letting us in on the fact that there's a confrontation underway that we need to deal with. All we see is an undeserved shove so we want to strike back and protect ourselves. Thats a natural reaction thats as difficult for us to unlearn as it is for our men to learn not to do it.

Yes, it does take years. My b/f was first in therapy for this mess 12-13 years ago. His life at the time was a horror that was only made worse by trying to deal with this, so he didn't. Now he's confronting it again. I believe that this time he will be successful, but he's not picking up where he left off, he's starting all over again.

There are years worth of hurt to undo. It doesnt happen quickly for our men or us.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Trish-All we see is an undeserved shove so we want to strike back and protect ourselves. Thats a natural reaction thats as difficult for us to unlearn as it is for our men to learn not to do it.

AS much as I feel each time that I visit this site that I need to stop, since I'm not even speaking to bf right now, and not knowing what is going to happen, I keep coming here anyway because I need some understanding.

Then I read things like this quote of Trish's, and ALL of the things you all say here are SO true for my situation its shocking.

At times I feel so alone here, with bf 5,000 miles and my own family 2,000 miles away, I am left to deal with ALL this completely alone.

This is a quote from my own journal that I keep from about a week ago's angry rant to myself, "I hate loving him and feeling constantly brushed aside with an angry shove but then held down and forced to watch my own heart be ripped apart. UGH JUST SHOVE IT DOWN MY THROAT!@!!"

Somehow you ALL reach so deeply into my own feelings and somehow sharing (and reading) your own very similar experiences makes me feel less crazy and less alone.

And the fact is that whether or not things work out with me & bf, I AM in love with him, I AM going through all this too, and I need a way to find some comfort and solace. So thank you, all so much, for not even knowing me but helping me through by sharing your own experiences.
 
Hi shadow,

My partner is a member here and I think he would agree with most of what you are saying.

I did not stay with him because he disclosed. I stayed with him because he was working on himself and getting better. If he hadn't disclosed abuse to me, though, I would have had no explanation for some of the things that had hurt me, and I probably wouldn't have been able to put that past behind me and move forward with him.

I hear what you are saying about survivors liking people to feel sorry for them and then not moving forward. But I do believe that it takes two people for that pattern to develop in a relationship. As partners we need to look at ourselves too and figure out why we allow or excuse some things.

SAR
 
Hi Shadow,
Your post really got me thinking and I felt it deserved a reply. You seem to want to know the good side of being in a relationship with a surviver. I think it is probably frustrating for you to read our posts because this is where we go to vent and complain. This board is our therapy and a lot of stuff gets dumped here.
I haven't been posting in a while because I have come to some conclusions about my own relationship.
1) It was unhealthy for me to be coming to the site too much because it made me dwell on the things in my relationship that I was unsatisfied with and wanted changed (namely intimicy) Unfortunately I can't change this.
2) I began blamming everything in our relationship on my husband being a surviver....granted there are problems that come with this but every relationship has problems
3) I was holding a pitty party for myself poor me who isn't getting intimacy and is married to a surviver

Well, my husband is still refusing to go to therapy. But he needs to deal with things in his own way. My wanting to change him was not helping the situation. And really the only thing that is missing in our relationship is the physical intimacy. The rest of the relationship is great. And he's trying I know he is. Will he ever be able to overcome this...I hope so. If he doesn't.....well at times I still get sad and think I want kids. But I am also realizing that no relationship is perfect. I have a great, funny, smart husband who I love dearly. I have never met any one else I would rather be with ever....and why don't I just appreciate what I have and not continue to be unsatisfied with what I am missing.
 
thats what im saying to the survivors !!exactly!my point was that we dont know what we got till its gone ,or we never had it at all. your last line says it all. the good side of being in a relationship with a survivor would be having someone like you . shadow
 
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