What would you do?

What would you do?
James_dup1

James_dup1

Registrant
Hey,
I need some help with something. I just dont know what to do. OK....I have a 17yo daughter who I found out was having sexual relations with a 12yo boy. After trying to keep the two of them apart unsuccessfully I might add, I had her go live with her mother, who lives in the same town as I do. Well I found out the other night that "mom" is still letting the two of the see eachother. Right now they are staying at the local mission (another long story)..and she knew that my daughter was going to try to get an over night pass in order to go stay with this boy at his house. Her responce to it was "I'm out of it.". I guess my problem is this........What my daughter is doing is wrong, moraly, legaly. I've tried to get her to see what could happen to her if she is caught I've even showed her the state law about it she refuses to see why there is anything wrong with it. Her comment is "Whats the difference if I was 25 and he was 20." I just cant get her to see that there is a huge difference between 12 and 20. And then there's her mom. She knows it's wrong as well, but is doing nothing to stop it. In fact she has even defended her on some points. I just dont know what to do at this point. What my daughter is doing is molesting this boy, I dont care if he big for 12 (he doesnt look 12). So any advice anyone can give to me would help. I mean if it was someone else I would probley report it to the law. How do you do that to your own child :( . Thanks for letting me ramble some this morning (((((hugs))))
James
 
I know I'm going to get called out for this, but don't worry about the boy, he'll live. Your daughter on the other hand...

She screwed up (may not be the best way to put that) but it takes two to tango. In the grand sceam of things it's not the end of the world. Quit projecting your experinces onto the situation, it's just a youthful indescression. Give her some greef then let it drop after she has learnd her lesson.

Brian.
 
After thought

if it would make you feel better, report it. you well feel pretty embarssed, or more likely insulted after you see how the cops respond.

I don't need to tell you that there is a double standerd, but there is a double standerd. Not definding it, just pointing it out.

Until the boy says he wants it to stop, nobody is going to do anything about it. I'm not going to comment on the morality of it because I can't say where I would stand if I was in you place.

I hope to God my mother or grandmother never reeds what I'm about to write.

In 1986 (I was born in 73 do the math) I was in a foster care home in Sacramento. and well.. there was this girl, one of the voilteers. She was in her early 20's. Well she (and I) had a youthful indescression. It wasn't SA. I only have happy memories about what happened, and like I said it took two to tango.

Try not to feel to bad about the situation, all you can do is love your daughter, the rest is in God's hands.
 
James,

I don't think I can give you any advice. It's hard when your kid's doing something that A. you don't approve of; B. you know is VERY wrong; and C. may bring back stuff you've dealt with in the past. I'm not a parent, so I can't say anything.

Except for one thing, I'm thinking about you and your family's in my prayers.

((((((James))))))

Scot
 
James - I realize the difficulty of your situation because I was in a similar legal situation with one of my children. A couple of things to reflect on:

First, Do the boys parents know what's happening? Are they supporting his "sexual indescretions"?

Second, If he was your son (12 yo) having sex with the local 17 year old, would you just let him do what he wants? An "early" initiation into manhood?

Thirdly, Will that 12 year old feel the same when he is 16 or 17? He could report it for whatever reason (gets angry, feels used,etc.)

Fourthly, What happens when she is a year older (18 is legally adult) and it is found out then? Now she is a juvenile.

A saying,, "It's better to DO RIGHT than it is to BE RIGHT".

BTW, I did call the police on my 15 year old. It went before a juvenile probation officer and was resolved within the family.

Howard
 
If this is just sexual indiscretion is there then no more sa of boys? or only if under a certain age? It is my opinion that this is the very thing we are trying to stop. Or maybe if it is between male and female then it is not to be considered CSA???

I think your daughter is screaming for help at the top of her lungs. OR, she is in the very common attitude today that anything she and anyone else want to do is ok--if anyone has a problem with that it is their problem.

This is a very common attitude among teens today.

Bob
 
james,
this is a tough call relative to your own daughter. there is a danger of projecting one's past onto a current situation (it is the survivor's bread and butter after all). more importantly is the one inescapable fact that no matter what gender is involved there is a big difference between sex at age 12 and sex at age 20 or 25 with a person who is five years older. no matter the double standard, 12 is too young and one five years older is crying for help if intimacy can be found only with one much younger. when done at the age of an adult between adults it is another matter, but children are children no matter the gender and sexual relations with a preteen is still sexual relations with a child. i wish i had something better to say, but i just can't escape the bottom line i just outlined above. physical maturity or capabilities does not imply emotional maturity. to me it is that simple. take care, james, i know this is really difficult. i had similar situations i had to face so i know of which you speak. you and yours are in my prayers.
 
James,

When I read this post this morning, a gamut of emotions ran through my mind and tears from my eyes. I am finally strong enough to respond.

I cannot answer your question, just give a little input. Only you can decide what you are going to do. You will have to live with what you decide, along with your daughter, the boy, and whomever else is and will be affected by your decision.

It is hard to be a parent. You want to keep your children safe, to protect them from the evils and hardships of life. With that, we sometimes over do it, and remove them from the lessons and experiences of life. Thus, they do not learn that there are consequences for their actions and make their life more difficult later.

Now Id like to share a little story of my SA with my second perp. That SA started at 12 years old and lasted until I was 20. The perps wife knew about what he was doing to me from the start, she even walked into the room while he was sodomizing me at the age of 15. I remember lying there, looking at her, thinking, please help me, please help me. Your post made me think, what would, or could, have been different if she would have done something then. If the SA was stopped before it evolved to being penetrated? If I were not had the secret was let out and I wasnt left to carry it? If the rage was released years ago? If I were in T years before everything fell apart? Damn, there are so many ifs.

Bill
 
i sympathize with your dilemma - however

12 year olds should not involved in sexual relationships - period. they do not have the emotional maturity. it is potentially very damaging for them and will affect their sexual develoment and maturity. if you dont believe me, do your own research. (not that 17 is much better) we should not allow children, for whom we are legally, morally, financially and in all otherways responsible for, engage in "recreational sex."

there are broader questions to consider, as well. What about the possibility (probability) of pregnancy? Neither of these children is prepared to face parenthood. So, they are looking at abortion - not a pleasant option - or adoption, also fraught with problems and emotional baggage.

they are playing with a loaded gun. take it away from them. they will understand morality and legality and right and wrong better if you take the proper and appropriate legal steps. as someone mentioned above, right now these are juveniles and it will be handled by a case worker or in family court.

i really hope you do something. this is not going to go away and it cannot have a happy ending.
 
Hmmm...

I remember a time i had been living with this guy for a year already. I pretty much knew what he wanted, when he wanted it, how he wanted it. I knew more sexual tricks than most people learn in a lifetime. I liked to please him. I liked to feel good, loved, wanted, needed, praised. I wanted to be screwed and used.

I was twelve fucking years old. What's wrong with this picture??
 
And if the boy was 17 and the girl was 12? ... or if it was a 17 year old boy with a 12 year old boy? The answer to both scenarios would be self evident. Why is this situation any different. There's no way to gloss over this situation. I would somehow involve the boys parents to help put an end to this. Peace, Andrew
 
James
this is clear and simple, child abuse
and social workers, at least here, would take this serously

I strongly advise you to do everything you can to let your daughter know it is get some help or it is juvenile hall - she lacks boundaries and now thinks that even the legal boundaries can be crossed without consequence - does she think she is going to stop when she turns 18 - then it will be felony child abuse and jail time - you are not doing her any favors by letting her avoid the consequences of this. And it is the last chance you have to get her some help as a juvenile - I'm not saying the system is great - but with some real support and advocacy you can help her get what she needs.

Perhaps you can hook up with the boy's parents, where are they anyway? -
 
James
I have no experience of being a parent, or of the laws that apply here.
But I have to agree with the guys here, something has to be done.

Your daughter is possibly screaming for help in the only way she knows, or thinks she can get everyones attention - she's succeeded there !
The collapse of your family will be hard on her, so she's possibly out for all the attention she can get - "poor me !!"

I think the social services have to get involved in some way.

I hope you find an answer James, and I wish to hell I had one for you.

Dave
 
Most likely, child protective services would come in and enforce a no contact order. The girl would most likely be referred for offense-specific therapy. She is molesting this boy, under the law, just as if the genders were reversed.

The mothers of these kids are negligent for allowing this relationship to continue.

There are few programs that work with female abusers, however they are out there, along with clinicians who have experience with girls.

The number to call in Montana for child abuse is 800-332-6100


Ken
 
Well to update this post. I called can reported it. Child Welfare said there was nothing they could do I needed to call the police. So I did that, the officer said if he finds out it is true then he is going to arrest her :( . I hope I've done the right thing. Thank you all for your support. ((((hugs))))
James
 
This is a very, very difficult situation for you James. I can sympathize how heart breaking and stressful it must be for you. I wish there was a nice, simple, easy solution. I hope you are able to tap into some local support systems to help you through this. Best wishes & Peace, Andrew
 
James
That was a hard call, but you've done the right thing I'm sure.

For all the faults and horror stories we hear about Social Services and the rest of the caring services they must get it right in the majority of cases.
Like most things, the media only go chasing the scandals and balls ups.
So I hope and believe that your daughter will get the help she needs.

One day she might thank you for it.

Dave
 
I just wanted to say thank you for all your support. This was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But just wanted to say tysvm.
James
 
Hey James-

What you did is the right thing and your daughter may very well thank you for getting her the help she needs someday.

I am not a parent, and I'm not you, so what I'm saying here may very well may not be true, and I mean no offense. Working professionally as a Juvenile P.O., namely with sexual offenders, the majority of offenders were once abuse themselves. Maybe there is something you don't know about your daughter. She very well needs the help, but don't be surprised if something like this comes to light.

Your daughter is not a monster. She just doesn't understand where adult matters stand, and how it can be damaging to the 12 year old.

Most 12 year old's would not find this as a form of abuse. It sounds as if the mother of your daughter may need to seek some therapy also, as for some of her views of the world.

Good luck James, we're here for you. If you have any questions about the legal process, ask away.
 
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