what would you do if...

what would you do if...
S

soccer

Registrant
My bf went to his counselling session last night only to be confronted by his counsellor's manager (the counsellor works through a clinic) who said that from what he has revealed in his session, they may take legal action against his perp. (the perp is still in a position where he has access to kids in an authority position). (FYI My BF is taking action against his perp through the perp's professional association, but not legally. This process requires written documentation but not verbal documentation, and it could also result in the perp not having contact with kids anymore)

If this case does go legal then I suppose he will be required to testify against this guy, something that I am not sure he'd ever be able to do.

Just so heartwrenching - my BF musters up enough strength to go to a counsellor to find someone to pour his heart out to and to trust, and this happens. Hopefully he doesn't stop going to counselling.. he was doing so well and now this hurdle.

I just hope this doesnt cause him to go into a backspin and undo all the great work he's done to date. It just seems like all of these cases revictimize the victim - i'm sure he doesnt want to go over this again, especially in public.
 
Soccer,

As a survivor who prosecuted my perp, I can sympathize with what your boyfriend is facing. The decision is difficult, to say the least.

A couple of thoughts:

Just because your BF comes forward and tells the police, this does not mean he will have to testify or that everything will be public. In most of these cases the perp is convicted without a trial, therefore testimony in court does not always happen. Also, and I am assuming the abuse happened when your BF was a minor, even if this progresses to a trial, his identity would still be protected just as if it were a child who had come forward.

The counselors are adhering to the law which mandates that certain professionals report suspected abusers, especially when children continue to be at risk. This is important, because, all too often, perps have been allowed to go on abusing kids even when their behavior is known.

It has been almost a year since my perp was convicted. Facing him, or actually, being willing to face him was a very important part of my (ongoing) recovery. I did it for many reasons. Doing it enabled me to take control and that felt good. I knew that by not doing so I was allowing him to continue to affect me, not to mention allowing him to continue to have access and abuse more kids. Prosecuting him was very empowering for me and I don't regret doing it. I also realized that too many survivors would never have the opportunity to prosecute their perps, so, in a way, I did it on behalf of them, as well.
Ultimately, I realized that the secret was not mine. It was HIS. And, he did not deserve for me to keep it any longer.

No one can force your BF to go through with this. And, I will not lie and say it was easy. It was not. In fact, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. And, I never realized just how hard it was until it was all over. But, without a doubt, I am glad that I did.

I will not attempt to tell your BF what he should do. Only he can make that decision. But, should he decide to prosecute his perp, he will have my undying support and will probably gain the love and support of many people he has never met. And, win or lose, he can always rest well in the knowledge that he did the right thing by telling the truth. It could also be that his actions will spare untold others the pain and anguish he has experienced. This is no small thing.

Either way, my heart goes out to you both and I wish you well. :)

Huck
 
Soccer
I don't know US law at all, but I think Huck has a handle on the process involved, and I agree that what happened was inevitable.

Any therapist is obliged to report what he knows to the authorities if he believes that people are at risk, and I would think the professional organization he is pursuing him through would do the same thing, if they didn't it would be a travesty to call themselves professional.

Also the therapist should have made clear at the start the criteria of confidentiality, and the reasons for going to the authorities when needed.
I certainly signed a release to say I clearly understood the limits when I started therapy.
I was prepared well before my first proper session
with the facts and the consequences, so in theory this situation would not have been a shock, but it didn't happen to me so I can only guess at the result.

If this wasn't made clear to him it will come as a shock. and the lack of preparation probably doesn't make it any easier for him to accept.

Now he's going need a lot of support to regain trust in the therapist again.
I hope he regains, and I hope he continues to hound his perp.

Lloydy
 
Hi Soccer,

Two things come to mind

1. Most survivors want to be heard, and understood. See this in a positive light and as a step towards recovery.

2. If this can stop one little child, just one little child, from being abused by that perp in the future....
Imagine.

Be by his side, through all of this.

Im so glad that you understand him and his pain, and that you love him.

take care,
rax.
 
Thanks all - the advice and points of view shared were really helpful.

Despite my bf's reaction the night he was told of the possibility of a legal case, he seemed rather pragmatic about it the day after... maybe this is a good thing for him (in disguise). He wont have to prosecute his perp directly, but it is possible that his perp may just get his "just desserts".

I think the fact that the possible legal case wouldn't be HIM vs. PERP makes it easier to accept - nobody can force HIM to take action, however if any case went through it would be the Childrens' Aid Society/the "crown" vs. the perp (we're Canadian so likely the laws are more similar to the UK than the US.) So at the very worst he may have to be a witness - which will still be no minor feat. I think his identity may not be able to be kept secret as he was 17 when the abuse happened... so that's a concern.. however... I am not sure of the laws and regulations about these kinds of cases. I do know that our court system is quite private in comparison to the US - no cameras and no photography allowed. Just news reports - and generally, witnesses are NOT mentioned in these reports (to protect the witness).

Its always made clear to all psychologist patients that any info. revealed that indicates a child may be at risk has to be investigated, however, he's been to 3 therapists and none of them have ever broached the subject of a case. SO this was a big shocker for him!!!!!

Hopefully my BF's case through the professional disciplinary committee for the perp's profession (teaching) will be successful and he'll lose his licence anyway... if that happens possibly the Childrens' aid society may not even prosecute. I guess its all up to be decided and mostly out of his control. He seems much better about it these days.

Again... thanks again for the advice and insight.

soc
 
I would like to reply to just a small part of your last post, Soccer.

Despite my bf's reaction the night he was told of the possibility of a legal case, he seemed rather pragmatic about it the day after
Click to expand...
One of the common behaviors in survivors is large displays of emotion, followed by realization and acceptance. I hope it helps you to know this. I don't seem to be able to process any major event without having an outburst. I know this cannot be fun for my wife, but she seems to have learned that the dog barks real loud, bares his teeth, but eventually calms down. And, in fact, always seems quite loyal, which is another trait we survivors share, once we move past acting out.
 
Cement, what an amazing summation of something I've seen as a pattern in my husband!

One of the common behaviors in survivors is large displays of emotion, followed by realization and acceptance. I hope it helps you to know this. I don't seem to be able to process any major event without having an outburst. I know this cannot be fun for my wife, but she seems to have learned that the dog barks real loud, bares his teeth, but eventually calms down. And, in fact, always seems quite loyal, which is another trait we survivors share, once we move past acting out.
Click to expand...
That's exactly how my husband tends to behave. And now that I've realized it, and he's realized it, we're more able to cope with the big and difficult events. But for a long time I couldn't deal with it--I wanted him to calm down NOW, not later.

Glad to hear, too, that loyalty is part of the picture . . . :)

Lynda
 
Wow - thanks for the tip regarding the "big display of emotion" - my BF does that a LOT and it really has a destabilizing effect on me. Its really tough to be around and takes a big toll on me. I came from a family with a very unpredictable, mentally unstable/alcoholic father who was (still is) also prone to huge outbursts.. so seeing this behaviour again really pushes all of my buttons.

soc
 
Update:

As of now the Children's Aid is not going to prosecute through legal means - the current action being taken by my BF through the teachers board is sufficient. I am not sure what will happen if the case is not successful (i.e. if his perp does not lose his teaching certificate) I dont know if they will pursue anything at that point.

However I do believe his perp will lose his licence - besides the sexual abuse he committed, this guy would invite kids over to his place, have them stay over, ply them with alcohol (come to think of it there was a teacher at MY high school who did that too...) - THAT was common knowledge throughout the whole school, and that was how he "groomed" his victims (including my BF) - so it won't take much to find a witness to confirm that. That behaviour ALONE is enough to get him out of the school system (our province is pretty tough with wayward teachers). There was also a teacher who did warn my BF about his perp - so it was common knowledge at that time that this guy was a danger to vulnerable students.

Interesting how times change - A new law just came in that if a teacher knows anything about another teacher with respect to "student endangerment", it is REQUIRED that they come forward (any information sources are to remain anonymous of course) or their own job may be threatened. Back when my BF was molested (mid 80's) it was such a different world. Everyone just was so "hush hush"...

Side question - from my description of how my BF's perp "groomed him" (won the trust of students, brought them to his house, gave them alcohol, got them to stay over or go on weekend trips with him, do any of you think that he has molested more than my BF? I have read that it is almost 100% likely that he has offended more than once.. anyone have any info?

Thanks again for all your great advice and information. I really AM getting to understand my BF and learn to pick out his true nature (sweet, amazing guy) from his trauma. This is REALLY helping our relationship.

Soc
 
Side question - from my description of how my BF's perp "groomed him" (won the trust of students, brought them to his house, gave them alcohol, got them to stay over or go on weekend trips with him, do any of you think that he has molested more than my BF? I have read that it is almost 100% likely that he has offended more than once.. anyone have any info?
Click to expand...
Soccer,

I'm not a professional so I can't provide statistics or facts. And I would think that only this perp and another victim of his can truly answer this, but I think the answer is probably yes, and many times over.

You said that another teacher tried to warn your BF about this perp, so it is obvious that, at least, the grooming occurred before your BF was assaulted.

How many years has he been a teacher? Think of the access he has had. I guess it is remotely possible that your BF is the only one he ever assaulted, but sadly, I doubt that.

I think the answer will never be known, unless and until someone formally accuses him OR he is arrested, and his victims speak out.

Maybe someday, if it is important to him, your BF can try to find out if there are others. The company and interaction with others who have been through the same thing is very benefical; very cathartic; enormously healing. I think it would be even more so if they were victims of the same individual.

Soccer, reading your posts tells me your boyfriend is sweet, amazing, AND Lucky to have you in his life. Cheers to both of you.

Take care,
Donald
 
Soccer,

I don't know for sure whether your BF is his perp's only victim. But, I do know what I believe. And, I believe that he probably has MANY other victims. Perps, expecially teachers, coaches, boy scout leaders, priests, pediatricians, etc, almost always victimize many children. It's like these professions that have access to kids are magnets for perps. In fact, I believe many perps choose such careers precisely for such access to target their victims.

I remember telling my story to a police detective. Though I never forgot what happened to me (I just never told a soul for 18 years until I told my wife and then the detective the very next day.), I never realized how much effort and planning my perp put into abusing me. When I finished telling the detective everything, I looked at him and said, "He set me up, didn't he?" He then said to me, "We call it grooming." That was the first time I heard that term. Realizing for the first time how my innocence had been taken advantage of and the lenghts my perp went to get my trust was very traumatic for me. It multiplied my rage because I knew he just didn't take advantage of a situation. What he did was very deliberate. It took a lot of planning and then execution and, as is all too often the case, the willingness of other adults to turn a blind eye to what was going on. :mad: That was another part that was very difficult to accept, and it's still hard to think about that today.

So, for your BF to be getting help is commendable. So is reporting his perp to the folks responsible for his teaching license. I hope they take him seriously and do something about it. Your support for your BF during this time is also very commendable.

Take care of each other,

Huck
 
Soccer
I wouldn't doubt that he's a multiple abuser.

Don & Huck both mention grooming, it's what they do. They pick us out, they smell vulnerability and loneliness and lock onto it.

Huck mentions perp's choosing professions just to be near children, he's right.
I went to a boys boarding school where I was abused by one teacher, but I know there were many others, some "left" mysteriously overnight never to be seen again. Others were there for many years, and deeply suspect.

What your BF does about this is his choice, but he's started the ball rolling, and I hope the authorities pick it up and run with it.
If the teacher is still drawing breath then he's fit enough to end his days inside jail.

It makes me very sad and angry to think how many others are suffering for what these bastards did.

Lloydy
 
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