what would you do for him? - poss trigger

what would you do for him? - poss trigger
midnight51

midnight51

I was sitting at my computer the other night listening to some music and I looked down at my arm. Immediately a memory flooded back into my conciousness. When I was a child I used to think and feel like there were bugs crawling under my skin. I would love to be able to hover over that boy and look at him and hold him and tell him that everything is going to be okay. It would take everything inside of me to hold him and not want to burst into tears. I would kneel down beside him and tell him that he could tell me anything and I would still love him. I would tell him it's okay to cry and I would tell him that it's okay to be afraid. I would tell him it's okay to be angry so long as you're angry at the right person. I would look him in the eyes and steal the pain from within him. I would tell him that he was a wonderful kid and someday he'll grow up and have a nice job and a beautiful family.

What would you do for him?
 
When I was a child I used to think and feel like there were bugs crawling under my skin
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This is the first time I have heard someone else make this statement. It caught my attention because at times I feel like bugs are crawling all over my skin. It is a horrible feeling and one that just comes and goes. I don't know why I get it or where it would come from. I've just not heard any other survivor say this.

Don
 
I've had a similar sense of wanting to hold and protect my own younger self from the depredations of the world.

I think we contain within us all the selves we've ever been. Our body remembers and contains all of those people and all of those times. So that little boy stills lives inside me, his dreams are still alive, his fears. He is part of me.

So I thought to myself, maybe I should just try to treat myself as I was so wanting to treat that younger me. One night before I went to sleep, I lay there in the dark caressing myself and whispering the things I needed to hear. At first it felt a little silly...but then it also felt strangely right. It was a kind of touch I had never given myself and had rarely ever experienced. Completely innocent of any darkness and full of love. I love that little boy inside me very much, and the touch went very deep.

For me it was a very moving experience.

I read a book on Buddhist meditation called A Path With Heart. One of the meditations is called Loving Kindness. In it you visualize that inner self and say "let me be filled with loving kindness. Let me be peaceful and at ease. Let me be well" over and over like a mantra. I used that basic formula, just changed it up some to make it fit my changing emotions as I went through the caressing movements.

I discovered a lot about myself from this (which I repeated many times). Very interseting.

Danny
 
You all know about my story so I will not go into details. I never dreamed about bugs. I used to day dream and dream about maggots eating out my eyes and coming out my ears and mouth while I was alive . It was terrifying. On the street I was always searching for near death experiences. I am glad that someone else posted this thread. I would wake up from the dream or when I was daydreaming and smell rot. I used to go wash if I could immediately.
I remember on the street when it rained I used to love walking in it and getting soaked to the skin and thinking that I was being cleansed of all the shit around me.
 
Midnight

What would you do for him?
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Well, for a start I'd work through the list that you wrote, the list that moved me to tears.

What would I do ? "share the rest of my life with him, in safety. "

Dave
 
Midnight, that beautiful, precious and vulnerable little boy is you. He is not separate from you. So, the beautiful things you said, you said to yourself today. The little boys and youths we once were, are not separte from us--they are us. The little boy is not a generic kid in need--it is you at that age. And, in very fact, that little guy grew up to be a very fine man.

Midnight, when I was a little boy I would have been thrilled to have an adult do and say the things you did in your post. I think you would too. So, you have loved and protected yourself today, as you remember a day, when you could not do what you just did.

This is a magnificent post Midnight. Many thanks for posting it. We can all be challenged to love ourselves as we were as a child, before, during and after those wretched days. It is sure to be healing for all of us.

One of the most healing things for me has been to integrate that cute, lovable kid I was, with the good guy I have become today. It took me more than forty years--but hey, why rush things eh?

Bob
 
Little Josh is important to me. I love him. I used to think he was dead because I had grown up, but he's not. He is still there and I think it's really important that I treat him well.

My partner is very good about this... he will read me bedtime stories and sing lullabies sometimes which I think helps Little Josh a lot. Sometimes I sort of go inside myself and give him a great big hug. He needs it.

I really do love Little Josh. I don't love Big Josh yet but I guess I am on my way. :)
 
At our group session today we were getting right back to the boys we once were.

And it was hard, sometimes painful, but oh so rewarding.

Someday soon David will be with me again.

Dave
 
What would I do for him? Take care of him and love him throughout his life.

I have been a bit neglegent in taking care of him and loving him, but that has passed. Now I am taking care of him and beginning to love, truely love him.

Bill
 
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