What would you ask a perpetrator (possible trigger)?

What would you ask a perpetrator (possible trigger)?
K

Ken Singer LCSW

As most of you know, I'm working on a book for survivors based on reducing the power that offenders have in the brains and hearts of survivors long after the abuse ended. By better understanding the BS and other crap that offenders put in victims' heads, the survivor can be more empowered.

An earlier thread regarding this project asked "What kept you from telling?" There were a number of posts that I've quoted (totally anonymously) which will help survivors understand better the manipulation that offenders used to keep their victims silent.

This may be a particularly hard thread to write about because the question is sure to raise some real anger and upset for many. I am not asking you to respond with comments that express your anger, such as "How could you do this to a helpless child?" While it may be useful to present to a perpetrator in treatment, it is not my goal to ask that kind of question here.

Put another way, if you could confront a perpetrator (whether yours or someone elses), what would you ask him or her? Obviously, these questions will not be asked of any perpetrators (though it might be helpful for me to ask the perpetrators I work with or share the questions, anonymously, with other therapists who treat perpetrators to help them better understand the impact on their victims many years after the abuse.) I hope to be able to answer some of the questions based on my work and understanding of them.

Again, my motivation for this project is to empower survivors. My belief and experience with survivors is that perpetrators create a false belief system in the child (or vulnerable adult) victim that stays with them for many years. Empowerment is vital to the recovery process. If this work can empower survivors to break the hold that perpetrators have on them because of fear or holding on to false beliefs, then the survivor can grow more powerful and put the abuse where it belongs, in the past and no longer affecting the man.

I hope this request is clear and I would be glad to respond to any pms about questions or if anyone has comments he would rather ask privately rather than share with the discussion forum.

Thanks for your help.
Ken
 
Why does silence from your victim lead you to feel your victim is accepting, or wants, your sexualized contact?

What are you thinking of when your victim is obviously in pain or terrified?

Why do you use physical violence with a victim who is cooperating?

Why do you specifically use sex?

What specifically is about children that arouses you?

What benefit do you believe your victim received from your contact? Why do you need this justification to engage in this behavior with children? Why cant you get that in a relationship with an adult?

What non-sexual needs are you trying to gratify with these relationships with children?
 
"Are you happy with your life knowing you have so thoroughly screwed mine up?"

"Did you tell your wife, children, and friends that you had sex with your little brother?"

"Did you not ever notice that I WASN'T enjoying it?"
 
I wish somewhere down the line in my recovery, I could ask my perp about his own childhood. But today if I could go before him, I am not so sure what I would tell him. I am not so sure it is that important. It would be interesting to go to him and just talk to him and see how safe I feel around him now. If by some miracle I start to feel safe, I will have broken free of the past.
 
Sorry for the tone in my questions above, still have a lot of anger over this. I really don't think I could ask him any questions in a civil tone at this point.
 
I finally spoke to the police, and I know they spoke to you. Were you surprised? Do you wonder how much I told them? What was it like to wait all these years for me or someone else to speak up?
 
How many other little boys lives did you kill off?

Did you get a kick out of a little boy, so absolutely terrified and shaking, and you making him do these things to you, while you lapped it up like some beast standing over it's prey.

Did you get the nightmares I sent you? Yes there were hundreds of them. Enough to haunt you through all eternity.
 
Was all the beating and violence important for you to feel safe?

Did you really intend to kill me?

Has the knowldge of what you did so many times eaten at you.

Do you know that I overcame the effects of your perversion and am quite successful in life?

Do you really think that NO ONE knew what you were doing?

How well did you sleep those nights?

Did you understand that I damned near adored you and would have done what you wanted without your having to torture me?

Do you know that I still have some affection for you, for the times you were my best friend?

How does that make you feel?

Bob (Jumbo to you)
 
Why?


:(

This should give you the truest understanding of how much I need to know, how likely I'll get an answer, and how little I Goddamn care what the answer actually is. Whatever it'll be, it's all bulls**t!

The only "empowerment" survivors get is taking back the minds these morons screwed up and finally believing we're not to blame. It doesn't come from asking questions with no real answers. It doesn't matter what these people say, it's either crap or wholly irrelevant, because the damage is done.

Scot
 
"Do you ever still think of me, and the other boys you abused? Yes, ABUSED. We didn't have sex, you abused me."

"Now do you understand?"

Dave
 
- did you do it because you found me attractive?
- did you get pleasure from it?
- could you tell I was hating every seconds of it?
- why did you pick me?
- what do you think sex is about?
- do you think you were being loving or cruel to me?
- do my feelings matter to you?
- can you tell the difference between loving and abusing?
- was it me that turned you on or was it the situation and anyone else would have done?
- did you think I was an easy prey, and if so what were the signs?
- did you realize I was terrified, and if so why didn't you stop?
- do you understand what emotional, spiritual damage means?
- were you taking revenge from something that happened to you?
- how are you going to give me back what you stole from me?
 
- How much time and effort did you put into the planning out of the games you were going to use to groom me into your sexual plaything?

- What part of NO don't you understand?

- Do you ever think about how what you did so many years ago still affects me to this very day?

- Why did you choose a boy child to be your plaything?

- Did you really think that I would NEVER tell noone?
 
Ken,


Do you real think it is love?

Do you think you did anything wrong?

How do you justify what you did in your past.

How did it make you feel to take away someone's own body?

Do you think their is anything wrong with what you did?

Do you think you are a good moral person?

If you could go back would you still have abused your victim? Do you regret what you did?

Do you have the right to ask for forgiveness from your victim(s)?
 
I am not sure do you understand how much did you hurt and damage me.
Sadly, you made me to feel like non-human. I was your toy for sexual games. I do not remember how many nights I couldn't sleep and how many nightmares did I have, because of you.
You took my childhood from me. You didn't have any right to do that! I do not know who I am any more. Was I ever kid? Would I ever be real human being again? Would I ever become ordinary adult? Would I ever be ready for real: loving relationship, sexual life, family? What is missing exactly? Would I be other person if I could regain missing parts? Is there any exit from this mess in my soul, mind and body?

I am very tired to feel lost.

Do you understand know, in what hell did you put me to live?
You need serious therapy. You are very ill. Just ill, that's the only answer I found. Stay away from kids, they have feelings, they are not toys.
 
do you know how much you beat up my mind? No, it was not you, it was me, for not being as big and strong as you.

you took control of me, you where an adult, someone i should respect, but you treated me worse than an animal would respect it's young, I was youe prey devoured by your desire.

You killed me, but then, what the hell, it was worth it to you, it was always your desire to send a kid to hell, you got it.
 
I would like to get this information from the Offenders themselves, en mass. Not from my own Perp. We, the survivors, could discuss & argue these questions for the next hundred years & not ever come up with the truth. These adult offenders have & hold the keys to our understanding, & perhaps these answers will help us keep other children (families) safe.
-------

Is (was) it your intention to cause your victim long term harm?

Did you want to be caught? Stopped?

Do you practice any religion?

When (or at what age) did you start have desires to have sex with children?

Was there a specific event that triggered this behavior?

How would you describe your relationship with your parents? If it was/is positive, how would they feel about your behavior?

Do you have sex with your own children also?

Can you define the words 'love', 'lust' & 'abuse'? Did you know they are different?

Are you acting out with children, what you would rather do with an adult?


-----------------------------

& as I posted earlier.....

Why does silence from your victim lead you to feel your victim is accepting, or wants, your sexualized contact?

What are you thinking of when your victim is obviously in pain or terrified?

Why do you use physical violence with a victim who is cooperating?

Why do you specifically use sex?

What specifically is about children that arouses you? Is it mostly physical, or size, or age, or family make-up, or what?

What benefit do you believe your victim received from your contact? Why do you need this justification to engage in this behavior with children? Why cant you get that in a relationship with an adult?

What non-sexual needs are you trying to gratify with these relationships with children?
 
Why did you marry my Mom? What could possibly have been so attractive about a three year old?

Did your power over me give you a sense of being a real man?

To the second one

What excited you about a nine year old boy?

Why did you beat me after you got yourself off?

To the third one

You're a psychologist. How can you call what you made us do "therapy"?

Did you start this "Ranch" to get to boys?

Why the knife?

To the fourth one

How could you use my fear and loneliness against me?

Do you know that you were the one that really made me hate the words "I love you"?

Why did you choose me? There were others around. Why me?

And this one will not help you Ken, but I would ask one question of the three that I know are dead: "Is it hot enough for you!!!"

Marc
 
I have confronted my main abuser, by both letter and in person. I was so very close to confronting my father earlier this week. But I think to confront, while still feeling some fear of the person, is not the most safe situation. I have done that once and regret it. Until I feel totally out of his power, I do not want to meet him face to face. I think some of the questions people are thinking to ask an abuser, you must remember, if it is a 'look how much this has screwed up my life' kind of thing, THEY DON"T CARE! Never will I confront an abuser with questions like that. Because understanding, it won't happen. And that would be again giving them power, because they would know how much they mess us up. That is something that no one who has hurt me deserves to know. F*k that. But some things I asked of this other person are:

If I was so fat, ugly, stupid and repulsive and you still f*ked me, what the hell does that make you?

Are you such a coward and insecure man that only f*king with little boys can make you feel good about yourself?

Do you believe in God? Do you think he is quite proud of you?

And...

If what you did was so perfectly all right, I suppose you would not mind other people, like your wife, your boss, the police, the newspapers, you would not at all mind that I tell them, right? Because you did nothing wrong.

One thing one day I do wish to ask my father: How the f*k can you live with yourself, knowing you killed your own child? Or do you live with yourself still because you KNOW what God will do to you when you leave this world?

Evil F*king basterds. Sorry, just angry right now.

leosha
 
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