What would life be like

What would life be like
M

malitovsky1

Registrant
I was just reading a thread and the person was talking about what his life might have been like without the abuse. It got me thinking. If I had not had the abuse would I have become a drug addict, could I have completed school in my profession of choice, would I have such difficulty with women, etc.

I would have to answer that things would have been a lot different. I might be one of those normal people. You know the one's we long to be like. They have a family that seems so peaceful. They have the same job for the past 20 years. They are the one who is there when I fall. You know the 'normal' one.

The intersting thing is that I will never know. But I must admit I do fantasize about it. I usually end up feeling sad when I do because I still struggle with the fact that yes I was abused. I hate it. I want the normal happy childhood that I deserved. I really do. It may sound childish and I know it is but I want it. I know I can treat myself nicely today and care for my inner child but I grieve my lost childhood. The one I deserved. The one we all derserved.

What would life be like???? mmmmmm!!! I guess I will never know.

Gary
 
Believe it or not grieving for the life we could have had is very normal. In fact, it is one of the steps in the healing process, along with anger. At some point you should reach acceptance, though that one is still a ways off for me. I am between the anger and the sadness parts now. Part of me mourns what I could have been, just as you describe, and there is another part of me still struggling to become angry with others.
 
Hey guys! What a temptation to wonder about!! I will get to thinking about what life would have been like and what differences would have happened. But, I really love what I'm doing today...I have a wife and three very beautiful and engaging children...not satisfied with everything by a long shot but enjoying what I do have and trying to let go of everything else.

Thanks for the thread!

Howard
 
What if:

I had never been sexually abused
I had never lost my father
I had never gotten addicted to drugs
I had studied harder in school
I had married Elizabeth
I had never found this site
I had never told anybody about my s.a.
I had kept that first car a little longer
I had learned to save more money
I had been nicer to those close to me
I had spoken my mind
I had defended myself
I had parents that paid more attention to me
I had went through with killing myself
I had just run away
I had never faced my demons
 
What if........?

There are so many "what ifs". Some so simple as what if I had the oatmeal cookie instead of the chocolate chip cookie? to those with great consequence as what if I wasn't sexually assualted? If we spend all our times looking on the actions and choices of the past, wondering the alternate outcomes, we miss the future and our current choices.

I know that in James' post, I went on a little "what if" rant, as a way to get my message through and to work through a flashback that had been triggered by it. But for the most part "what if's" applied to past only add anguish and pain. On occassions they can provide an insight and access to a fantasy world. But, we do not live in a fantasy world, we are here in this one which the fact that we were SA remains.

The "what if's" are a good practice to apply to our current life and our current situations. What if I don't do anything to address this SA? What if I put in the hard emotional work of getting to understand the SA and its affects on me? What if I go out drinking instead of dealing with my feelings? What if I don't go to the adult bookstore booths and forfill these desires I am feeling? What if I hide myself away so that I never have to see another person in my life, so I won't be hurt by them?

What if I had never been SA, would life be different? Probably. Would it be better? Who, knows, I sure don't. Would I trade? No, I would not give up my son for anything, including getting rid of the years of SA.

Bill
 
i spent a lot of time wondering how my life would have turned out if i had told my parents about the abuse at the time. my mom told me my father would have killed the man. deep down i must have known that. and i don't ask myself "why didn't i tell anybody?" anymore.
 
Grieving the life we could have had, I believe, is necisary, it is something we never had, and at the same time was stolen from us. I get sad as well when I dream of 'what if?' but my theory on 'what if's?' is they don't lead to anything bu more pain and anxiety. BUt still it would be nice to know what life would be like without a past like this.

A few months ago, one of my abusers made the comment "it is good what I did to you, it made you who you are today." I hate to admit this, but that hit me right in the heart, made me think, and the truth is, I would be different had this never happened, would I have the empathy I do for other people? WOuld I have the happiness I never knew? etc. but it is true what they did is a part of us, but it did not make us who we are, we did that, it is a true testament to our charecter that we made it through and are the people we are in spite of it, not because of it.

scott
 
All of what occurred to me, good, bad and indifferent, shaped me into the person I am today. It's sort of chaos theory. I thought that if I could only change one thing way back when and everything would have been different in the future. It almost drove me crazy(ier). Just recently I just decided not to ask 'why?'. I've been asking myself 'why?' so much in the last months. There was no logical answer and I wanted one so desparately. I guess it's just acceptance on my part that I did the best I could at the time. I didn't have all the knowledge base and personal 'tools' that I have now. It happened, it changed me in some subtle or not so subtle ways. All that I can do from this point forward is live each moment and each day secure in the knowledge that I made it this far because of me not because of the the CSA.

Steve
 
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