What Was Your Greatest Fear?

[JC1]

Today I found myself unexpectedly triggered by something that happened. My wife has been incredibly understanding and supportive since all of this started, and she has put up with a truckload of s*** from me. One thing that she asks of me is that I go to church from time to time. Today was one of those times, but I did not realize that the children’s choir would be participating. And then in they came, about 20 of them. And it got me.

I don’t have a lot of memories of my childhood in the years I was being abused. But seeing those children, I remembered that I was in the children’s choir back then. More to the point, I remembered that when I was, i was constantly afraid…afraid because of something my abuser (brother) constantly told me. And it was my greatest fear.

He never stopped telling me that if anyone found out, if I said anything at all, others would hate me and call me a ‘queer’ and make fun of me. And it stuck. I was afraid that being in that choir might make them think that too, because it wasn’t a very boyish thing. I never lost that fear. In high school i was obsessed with only wearing clothes that were ‘manly’. Nothing that might look girlish or feminine. I never lost that fear. I had to be careful about what i wore, how my hair was cut, how I walked and talked. Anything else might cause people to think that i was ‘like that’. And even after being married with three kids, it was there. In the bedroom, I needed to over perform, fearful my wife might think I was less of a man.

What my abuser said would happen was my greatest fear. Even when I first came here, it was one of the scariest things for me to open up and tell my story. After all, he said it would ruin me for good, and…

Everybody’s story is different, but I wonder what your greatest fear was/is?

 

[LA Male]

Thanks for sharing. I'm living my greatest fear right now. The fear of losing my family. I finally started therapy about 3 months ago, after years of just brushing over my vague memories of CSA. It's not that I became courageous, it's that I made a poor choice a year ago and it has come back to haunt me. My wife knows I'm working on my CSA, and she has been gentle and understanding. What I have to share will shake her, and I'm freaking on a daily basis. My therapist felt I should tell her a couple of weeks ago, but if I'm going to ruin her world I didn't want it to be with the holiday season, her favorite coming up.

 

[WeDeservedBetter]

My greatest fears right now - Losing my wife or daughter. Also, living the rest of my life without facing my traumatic experiences that have dominated my internal world.
The greatest fears have changed so much over the years. Before I began to explore and open up about my abuse, my greatest fear by far was anyone ever finding out about any of it or allowing anyone to ever see anything inside me at all.

 

[nerograves]

My greatest fear was having my picture taken due to my abuse and what my abuser did. He took pictures of me before and after. But now, my greatest fear is also those I'm close to finding out about my abuse. I was hesitant for years to share my CSA in any form because I was confused, I blame myself, I thought it would ruin things around me. Even when I first shared on here I was anxious.

Now, I just fear like my mom, brother, and close friends learning about it. Its not that I think I won't be believed, it's more how it'll impact them and the emotional swings I'll have. My mom and brother always felt they protected me, but years ago, after realizing I got abused makes me feel like I failed them. If they did find out, I fear they'll no longer see me the same way and will feel bad. I don't know, it's hard for me to explain this fear properly. It's just I wore a mask for so long, seemingly not letting things bother me much, that it's a role I stuck to fir years. Forcing a smile while not happy. Sorry for the ramble.

 

[Youngtrumpet]

My greatest fear has been the labyrinth of emotions and reactions that comes with disclosure.
Starting at the point of the abuse (or was it rape) my first fear was being found out. If anyone found out they would take the abuser(s) away from me. And as much as it is confusing and scary it was all I had. I was sure if I talked the consequences would be abandonment and/or death. That was a given. Then the next fear was who am I or what had I become. So as JC talked about I needed to perform to convince the world and perhaps myself that I wasn't one of them.
In the following years, the few times I did confide with peers who I thought were safe, it always ended up me being used again. Those I told ended up taking advantage of me or maybe I was giving in.
Then I got married and had children which gave me a life. Something that enabled me to bury the trauma and give me purpose. That worked so well for a while, but life is full of reminders and my head just wouldn't contain it all without an outlet. My hyperawareness helped me to see my deep depression and seek therapy. Slowly over years of work I am learning what I can disclose and who is worthy of knowing my story.
But even now, every so often I get the overwhelming fear when I talk too much. It feels like I have been programmed to keep my mouth shut - or else.

 

[Gomers]

I think it is something that a lot of us felt. That fear of being "found out"

I wasn’t tough, before the age of about 13, I wasn’t particularly sporty, I knew I wasn’t good at football (Soccer for you over the pond). I didn’t even like it much back then, unlike most of the boys in my class. I was just unremarkable and I didn’t stand out at anything. I think I liked not being visible.

I was a good singer, though, and I loved singing, around the house, in the bath, when I was at school, just walking around. I was in the church choir for a while and was also picked to play Oliver in the school musical of the Charles Dickens play. I learnt all the songs and I was good. But I backed out after one performance because of the stigma of being theatrical. The part was taken over by the understudy, who was a girl (That really hit me).

Whilst I can’t remember actually thinking it in specific words, I just knew inside that it wasn’t the proper masculine stuff that boys should do and was scared the other boys would see "What sort of boy" I was.

 

[George]

I was abused by a drunken uncle from 8-12, at 12 I started pulling away from my uncle but still going over there as my cousin (his son) and I shared the same friend group. As I was making myself unavailable to my uncle, his frustration lead him to start getting handsy with some of our friends (on several occasions), to where he would start putting his hands down the back of their pants and feel up their cracks (I witnessed this). One day two of our friends confronted my cousin in my presence saying, "what the hell is wrong with your father???, etc..." with that, I panicked... what if they say something to a parent and this all comes out? Obviously I'll be found out, too. All my shame, everyone would know how damaged and depraved I was. I made the instant decision as a 12 year old to have to cut off that whole family, including the cousin who was like a brother to me, we were even in some of the same classes. I never talked to those friends again either. "luckily" nothing further came of it, but in hindsight those boys didn't tell anyone, or told someone who wanted to make it go away. My biggest fear as a messed up kid was being found out, I was so shame ridden I thought that if anyone looked at me close enough that they'd see the shame on me.
In my healing, I did wonder about those other friends who at the time had the balls to say something. Are they okay, as they too were molested, not to the extent that I went through, but I wonder and feel bad about them too. What an f'd up situation to put kids through...

 

[Seagull]

My greatest fear was being found out, and the violence and ostracism I was sure would follow. I believed then that I had either participated willingly or was being punished , so in my mind I was "guilty" . In one instance we were found out and some of those fears were realized. This only made the secrecy much deeper.
As things continued, the shame and fear only got worse and more impossible to escape.
The same fear followed me later in life. I thought I would lose any friends or relationships if they knew my self perceived shame and dirtiness. This made me withdraw even further, just to make sure the secret never got out.

 

[Jack1]

My greatest fear was and is abandonment. When my father started sexually abusing me at age four and my mother did nothing, I felt abandoned. As a teen, when my brother suddenly and finally stopped having anal sex with me, I felt abandoned. When my ex-wife refused to have sex with me even as she was having affairs, I felt abandoned.

 

[dcwofhs90]

My greatest fear was someone finding out. Not because of what anyone would think (I honestly don't think that really ever crossed my mind)...but because I knew that it would end. I was terrified of it ending. Yes, I loved it that much. I knew enough to understand that what he was doing with me was wrong, but I had no idea that he was actually breaking the law. So if anyone ever found out, I knew that'd be the end of "us."

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

My greatest fears are taxidermy and rubber balloons. I always need to keep myself from screaming if I run across them in public. I will refuse to enter rooms if I see either one. I’ve actually screamed and dropped what I was holding once because a little kid started squeezing a balloon in front of me. Taxidermy has always bothered me but it didn’t become a full blown phobia until my sophomore year of high school. The seniors that year had decided it’d be a hilarious prank to move around the animals in my biology class and put them where they didn’t belong. I felt uncomfortable when I entered the classroom and saw what they did but it was tolerable until I looked up and saw the turtle attached to the ceiling directly above my seat and that’s when the screaming and hyperventilating began. I was freaking out so much that I had to be removed from the classroom and for days I was terrified of entering it. The turtle was literally staring right in my eyes and I still see those horrible eyes looking at me whenever I close my eyes while on my back. Since then I have been terrified of taxidermy. I also remember how Mary bought me the head of some deer like animal when I was 14 thinking I’d love it and I felt so uncomfortable but pretended to like it because she told me that it was really expensive and was a special gift for me and I didn’t want to upset her and accuse me of being ungrateful. I remember that she even had me touch that horrible thing and then said, “Isn’t it so nice and soft?” When her ex, who was a hunter, decided that he liked it and took it for his own, I was so happy to be free from that horrible head. I mean what person thinks a decapitated head of some animal is something a 14 year old would love to have?

 

[JC1]

Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts. I think I am going to just respond in a single post- As I read through this, it seems that several people share my fear of being found out, of having others know. I never lost that fear throughout my life. The hiding and the concealing, so that others would not see or know. CSA is that unwanted gift that just keeps on giving crap to all of us, in one way or another. Fear of being found out, fear of losing family or friends, fear of the emotions it dredges up- whatever. When I think about that, I feel hurt, but I also feel anger that something done TO us can bring about such destruction in our lives. But I am grateful to feel none of us is alone, brothers. We just keep fighting to stay on the road trying to find healing. Appreciate every one of you.

 

[Silly]

Interesting thread - I see so many replies concerning fear of discovery... of being found out. I wish two and two had been put together, I wish the people that could and should have figured it out had stepped up and stopped it, but that isn't what happened - I don't like playing the "what if" games. I find them to be an exercise in frustration.

So, what was my biggest fear? Pain. There were times it hurt so bad I thought death was an actual possibility. Thats the stuff I still wrestle with. I don't understand violence.

 

[Youngtrumpet]

I also have enjoyed this thread. While the underlying theme seems to be we were afraid to be discovered. I too was worried about that but the worse fear was abandonment.

I wish two and two had been put together, I wish the people that could and should have figured it out had stepped up and stopped it,

They couldn’t have stepped in unless we were discovered. And if they did step in would we have wanted it to stop the way they would have made it stop? That surely would have left us abandoned.
Once the abuse takes place it seems like there is a chain of events that is impossible to stop.

 

[dcwofhs90]

There were times it hurt so bad I thought death was an actual possibility.

This is part of of my guilt. It's not fair that I enjoyed it so much while other boys were experiencing such pain and agony. It makes me feel guilty that I sought it out while other boys couldn't escape the hell they were in.

 

[JC1]

I wish two and two had been put together, I wish the people that could and should have figured it out had stepped up and stopped it, but that isn't what happened

Didn’t see this earlier, Silly. How many times have I laid awake with this thought. There were so many red flags and nobody saw. All they had to do was to see how I was, but they just didn’t.

 

[JC1]

Interesting thread - I see so many replies concerning fear of discovery... of being found out. I wish two and two had been put together, I wish the people that could and should have figured it out had stepped up and stopped it, but that isn't what happened - I don't like playing the "what if" games. I find them to be an exercise in frustration.

So, what was my biggest fear? Pain. There were times it hurt so bad I thought death was an actual possibility. Thats the stuff I still wrestle with. I don't understand violence.

In the beginning, the pain was beyond description. If I think about it, it’s like I feel it all over again. No child should ever have to feel that pain.

 

[MSUser2024]

That anyone would find out. That was my greatest fear. For many reasons. The same reasons any of use had. Any pain was far less the what I thought would happen.
It’s hard to put in words that I grew to appreciate, seek, enjoy and appreciate the affection and feelings. There had only been the few times in the start I had been hurt. However looking back before he was gone his cruelty with threats of telling and telling the people he knew I would not have been able to handle it much longer.
At camp Orr that was terrifying . I hadn’t realized that everyone was going to do this to me. I knew the whole time he was going to kill me , why wouldn’t he ? I did what he said and I remember he had his arm on my neck and I was looking at his face all I could think is smile. When he pushed me to the bottom of the sleeping bag , even after he left I didn’t move for a long time cause I thought he was just getting a rock or something to kill me. Once again my greatest fear of anyone ever finding out made me begin to not be a very nice person. Billy

 

[broncosfann1979]

During the abuse, my greatest fear was that I was going to die. That I was going to die and have nothing to show for my 9 years of existence at that time. After it was over, it was that someone would find out.

 

[Georgie]

I think the only abuse-related fear I have is being touched by females. An introductory handshake I can handle, but nothing beyond that.