What to say?

What to say?
WalkingSouth

WalkingSouth

Friends,

I just found out today that our family is to receive a visit tomorrow from my wife's sister in law and her 3 children.

There is quite a story behind this situation. A couple of months after my own memories of CSA began to hit, my wife's brother was arrested and confessed to raping, photographing, and distributing pictures of his 6-8 year old son on the internet. The perp has been convicted and sentenced to 7 years in Federal and 8 years in State prisons.

The older 2 children were not touched. Long story as to why but really doesn't figure into this discussion.

My problem is this:

When the sister in law and our niece and nephews show up in our home tomorrow, what should I say to them? I don't want to ignore the fact that they no longer have a father in their life or for the youngest one that he's had terrible things happen to him (he is in counseling). Should we just have normal conversation? Should I ask them how they feel about the things that have happened in their lives? Should I just leave it alone? We were never particularly close due to the distance between our homes. Our families saw each other twice a year maybe.

My gut feeling is to just act "normal", but I have acted that way all my life, ignoring everything. Now I'm in a place where I'm not sure of the boundaries. I don't want to ignore things if they perhaps are wishing some interaction regarding the issues in their lives, nor do I want to bring things up leading to embarrassment for them.

I would appreciate any advice you can give me.

Lots of love,

John
 
Dear John,
I know you don't know me, I have been coming to this site for about 4 yrs now. I came with a bit of an odd situation so in short for you, my side of "our" story is this.

shortly after I was diagnosed with severe heart disease & many other diseases & disorders that came with it my spouse acted "outward". We entered our marriage when he was very young (19)& a 2nd marriage 4 me with 2 daughs. We both had disclosed to each other we were survivors of SA & the other multiple abuses that often come with it. Hubby hid a secret from me that I knew was a secret but I had no Idea how severe it was. He is a sex addict, it came to light when he began acting "outward" with excessive drinking & behaving much younger than his age , it ended with him being charged with sexual assault upon a 20 yr old acquaintance of our youngest daugh. The "secret" I had suspected for years that he refused to share was his severe addiction to masturbation multiple times a day, then a break down of a break thru of more memories of mulitple rapes he experienced from a neighborhood teen.

He is now in consistent therapy and active in sex addicts meetings after serving legal punishment also.

I geuss my suggestion to this situation is IF you become in a one on one situation with your sis in law possibly you could offer her the support of listening IF she would like to do so in private during pre arranged meetings.

However BEFORE you do this, I would highly recommend you discuss with your spouse WHAT IF anything the 2 of you feel would be the best approach. Perhaps it would even be more appropriate IF your spouse felt more comfortable for HER to make the offer herself.

I also would ONLY suggest this IF you both are active in therapy for yourselves at this time. You and Your family should come first and foremost above all else. As you need to be in a good space for taking care of the most important people first, yourselves. One cannot help another without being able to strong enough to care for themselves and set good boundaries to care for themselves and say NO when needed.

However I also understand by reading your "byline" on your post you care about others also. I am sure your sister in law feels very alone at this time. I know for myself I felt as if I was a "pariah" amongst our social make up.

If the only thing you can do and it could be more than enough is to slip her a small note with this website upon it as she could come here for some help under friends and family possibly.

The latter possibility would keep some dignity for all and she then could choose for herself. I do hope that she and her children are receiving individual and family counseling for the trauma and losses they are struggling thhrough.

God Bless you for thinking so thoughtful of such a not talked about situation. To me this shows that your heart is very capable of loving even in the most horrific mixed up trauma anyone could imagine.

May Peace Find and Fill ALL of you,
Sammy
 
Thank-you Sammy.

I really appreciate you reply. A lot of good advise there.

When our guests arrived, it was just the 9 y/o son whom the father abused and his mother. We had a good visit. We talked with her openly about many issues while our adult daughter and the boy were out in the kitchen making English Toffee candy.

I played table games with the boy for a couple of hours. He's a neat kid with a great personality. He exhibits none of the outward symptoms that are classic signs of CSA or other abuse. He'll look you in the eye and crack jokes with you in what appears to be complete self confidence. He's been in counseling and his T relates to the mom that he is remarkably stable for having been through the Sh*t he's had to deal with.

I'm happy for that. The mother says she'll keep him in therapy as his therapist recommends, especially as he enters puberty and beyond.

Thanks again, Sammy.

Lots of love,

John
 
John,

I am sorry to only be getting to this post now. I'm glad things went well at the visit. Cooking with an adult is such a great activity for kids-- a good way for them to feel confident and trustworthy, and it is good for them to be able to enjoy the results and get praise for what they have done.

Personally, I valued the childhood relationships I had with many of my extended family-- even the ones I didn't see much-- partly because they were so loving and accepting of me and my siblings without having to make it about how messed up our lives were. They just acted like fun aunts and uncles and let us be kids.

As a kid, I had more than my share of therapists and well-meaning adults who wanted to talk about all the other stuff-- and some of them were great but I have to say, I suspected the motives of every last one of them. For most of them, it was for them, not for me, that they wanted to talk to me about my issues... I just wanted not to HAVE any issues... and that's what all of the abuse and neglect in my life were about-- adults who put their needs over the needs of the children. So I would say that your instincts were good-- and that it's not about embarrassment-- it's just about doing what's right for a kid who could stand to see more adults putting him first.

SAR
 
John,

I think you fielded this one really well bro. Just be normal with the kid and let him be a kid after all. But at the same time let the mother know that the door is open and you want to be supportive in any way you can. She has to decide what she wants to do and what is best for her son.

Much love,
Larry
 
John,
I am so glad to hear that your visit went well. I would say it went exceptionally well. Follow your heart , I believe you have a good sense of not just yourself but those around you.

May You ALL become filled with Peace,
Sammy
 
Thank-you all for your comments. In the end I just decided to be "normal" and show kindness and caring in that way. I think it worked well.

When I heard they were coming, my mind just went into overdrive and panic for a bit. Perhaps wanting to provide the child with something I felt I never had. Then I realized that just the sense of belonging I got as a child when an aunt or uncle or other adult played with me would be exactly what the boy needed.

I offered the mother my support telling her that I too had suffered much the same fate as her child at about the same age he did. She had a lot of questions and I was able to share some of the things that go on in the mind of a young sexualy abused boy. She was aware of many of these things, but it made a huge difference in her understanding when she could hear it from someone who'd been through it.

Again, thanks.

Lots of love,

John
 
John I think you being able to tell your sister some of the issues your nephew may be going through would have been invaluable. Your experience in these matters and your ability to be willing and able to help is such a blessing. I see goodness can and does come out of even horrible things like abuse.
 
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