what to do?

what to do?
A

anger&blame

Registrant
hello all
im 31 yrs old i was molested when i was 13 i was incomplete denial for 18 yrs i really had no idea how many parts of my life it had effected.i was always fighting,sleeping with as many women as i could never letting any of them close to me doing drugs drinking all the time i started seeing a therapist about three months ago a couples therapist to work on my relationship with laila the one person that managed to make it past all my safety systems laila and i have since stopped seeing each other not by choice but because of my paranoias accusations and the cruel things i said i truely thought i was crazy!!! laila was the first person i told about what happened to me i trust her more then anybody on this planet yet my mind refuses to accept this and my fucked up safety systems that assume the worst so i dont get hurt have pushed away the most important person in the world to me. im dealing with the past fearlessly im going to the police by myself today to press charges mike lew is to thank for that but my question to you guys is this i love this girl more then anything in this world losing her and dealing with my demons at the same time has truley crushed me effexor action i know i trust her christ i told her my darkest secret so then why cant my mind stop assuming the worst i mean awareness doesnt seem to help i know yet i still accuse distrust and assume even though i try very hard not too has this happened to anybody else and if so please tell me how to gain control of my evil thoughts and paranoias because i dont know what to do and its costing me the one and only person i have ever trusted?
 
Hi there A&B,

Glad you've had the courage to come here and to speak out. It takes a lot of courage to share these things with others.

I have no real idea whether this would be a good idea in your situation or not, or if it is even a possibility because of the severed relationship, but the thought that comes to my mind is ask laila if she would be willing to go to counseling with you. It could be a safe place where both of you could begin to resolve and understand the pain and hurt each of you carry.

Lots of love,

John
 
anger&blame,

I don't know how bad the break is between you and Laila, but if you can I would think an explanation would be in order. Just say to her honestly the same things you say here.

What she will need to hear beyond this is that you recognize that your abuse issues are yours to deal with and that you will do your best to do that. I think I get the idea behind what you mean by distrust, and certainly trust is a huge problem for survivors. But no woman can really be asked to deal with that much; it just isn't her fault.

She sounds like a really fine woman, but it takes two to hold a relationship together. If she is willing to start over again she will need to feel sure that you realize this.

I hope I don't sound too harsh in this post. This is hard stuff to hear bro, but I am just speaking from the experience of my own relationship. I put my wife through a lot before I figured out that almost all the problems we were having came down to my abuse issues.

Much love,
Larry
 
im aware of the fact that all our issues are because of my abuse and im riddled with guilt trust me what im in a search for is a solution im aware i cant spot the trigger i feel helpless i cant stop i was hoping someone could explain to me how they dealt with there abusive ways?
what can i do to fix the problem not with her but with me how do i rip down these safety systems i didnt know i had? i mean when i let her close to me it was kinda like opening pandoras box im very talented at blocking things out of my mind i have done this since i was molested im happy to learn im not crazy cause i did feel crazy i just am having a real hard time figuring out how to change the way i act im really my own worst enemy
im just really depressed and alittle overwhelmed i dont want to see her or try to fix things until i can promise myself i wont repeat my mistakes and right now i have no idea how to achieve this
any good books or advice? i read alot im still having nightmares for the last 8 weeks i have been trying to remember the molesting and now that i have im having a hard time not thinking about it so i kinda dont sleep much thank god i went to anger counselling before i started dealing with this
 
I am glad you are moving beyond anger and blame. and taking concerete step to heal your relation ship with your self.

In a way your realtionship could be a healing agent in your life, as she would be triggereing of lot of security issues, and also she would not allow you to get into a coccoon by demanding that you step out of it every now and then to shoulder your duty as man in a realtionship, to love despite yourself.

One way to heal your relationship would be to envolve laila into your theraphy too, it is as much a journey for her as for you, she can join the forum for family members here and express her confusions, doubts and of course frustrations.

Make her a partner in your recovery, so that she doesn't feel left out and also is constantly there to soothe your frayed nerves, as you dig deeper.
 
Anger&Blame,

Losing my wife is what got me started in my recovery. Your story sounds a bit like mine and I feel your problems like it all happened yesterday for me. I hate to plug my book but it is the only thing that comes to mind because I did not want to lose my wife and we managed to stay together and the book tells that story in detail. I should have titled the book, "How I blamed everything on my wife and the world and how I stopped."

The pain I feel for you is that I thought the world had come crashing down when I lost her and that is when I started facing the sexual abuse from my past. Going through both at the same time was, to say the least, not an easy thing to do.

Stay with us and post as much as you need to, the guys here will help you through this process.
 
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