What to do with my anger?

[Sarisir]

Hi all,

this is my first post here, so might aswell introduce myself.

I'm 23 years old, male and was sexually abused as a 12 years old. I've kept it a secret til I was 17, where the police called me to question me because I wasn't the only victim of the offender. My name popped up in the case, and I gave a statement to the police about what happened to me.
At the time I refused professional help offered to me by the government (danish law), because I was too ashamed of what had happened to me.

My parents were also informed at the time, but never reacted on it, never tried talking about it and its been dorment for them the last 6 years. Me on the other hand have been through hell, moving alot, changing schools alot, which I've come to realize is a product of what happened to me.

I've, on my own account, seeked professional help now, at the age of 23, found it and started therapy. But all this soul searching has also triggered alot of anger and rage against my parents for neglecting me in so many ways (beyond not acting on the abuse), and I dont know what to do with it, its eating me up. I keep it inside, and my psychologist has told me not to take it out on my parents and family, but its killing me.

have anyone found a way to deal with anger?

I've thought of saying goodbye to my family, because its nothing but agony. Its a pile of problems, and quite possibly, the only thing that keeps us together. But I still love my family, so I refuse to do that.

 

[puppy]

anger sucks. i understand what its like to be so angry that oyu just dont know what to do with yourself. it sound slike you dont really want to cut off your relationship with your parents, but you want these feelings to go away, or at least ease up a bit. from all the reading ive done on this site, ive noticed that writing letters seems to be a pretty healthy way to deal with feelings. im not sure how comfortable you are with that, but maybe you could write a letter to your parents, expressing all of your thoughts, feelings, and anger. you dont necessarily have to give them the letter if you dont want to, but it might help.

for me personally, the one thing that has helped me deal with my emotions is staying active. its a constructive way for me to let my rage out without murdering people when im super pissed off, i go running. or go to the gym. draining myself of physical energy seems to relax my mind. and my abs have never looked so good

 

[SAR]

Welcome to MS Sarisir.

I'm glad that you have found this place and that you have taken some initiative to confront your past and start healing. It's something everyone has to come to in their own time.

I agree, it wouldn't be right to make your parents responsible for all of the anger you feel, but I don't see what's wrong with expressing your frustration with them in a healthy way. It sounds like they are still not willing to discuss your abuse, and maybe unable or unwilling to see the connections between the abuse and the rest of your life. I'm not sure how keeping your feelings to yourself about these things will make it easy for you to keep having a relationship with your parents.

Would your psychologist be willing to help you work on ways to communicate and express your feelings with your parents in a way that wouldn't be so emotionally charged? Maybe letting them know that you need more honest dialogue with them in the future-- just about what's happening in the present, and then you can get to the past later?

I agree with puppy that the letter is a good idea. Also, maybe you would benefit from some time away from the family-- screen your calls or visit less until you feel ready to deal with them. My boyfriend did this and it gave him some much needed time and space.

Good luck
SAR

 

[Caetel]

Dear Sarisir

Anger is a tricky issue in recovery because it needs to be recognized and expressed but at the same time to my opinion it shouldn't become the focus on one's life.
I have mainly expressed anger in different ways:
- bashing a bag in Mike Lew's workshop
- walk
- write
- redirected in positive work
Lately, I was dealing with anger against my abuser (father) and the rest of my family's reactions to the charges I made. My sisters testified against me in a horrible manner and my mum is still living with the bastard. I got very angry in the few days after I had access to the files and when I realized it was starting to eat me inside I went away on a week end retreat in a monastery. I went to pray in the church there and kind of left the anger their to the higher power as a gift. I didn't want my life to revolve around anger, love is so much more important.
In a lot of cases of incest and pedophilia, the victim's families are dysfunctional. To be able to recovery without obstacles and not to be dragged back in dysfunctional ways to relate with family members, I found it best to end contact. I think what can also help is to determine what is your symbolic role in that family. Are your parents emotionally immature, are you holding the family together, are you parenting your parents, were there abuse in your parents' past or hidden secret in previous generations... This can help you clarify the dynamic of your family and help you make the best decision. Please remember that your recovery is your priority and that the most important person for now is yourself.
Warmest regards
Caro