What this site and the people here mean to me!

What this site and the people here mean to me!
R

RICK57

Registrant
Just to remind everyone how much can be gained here (posted after reading that there was bickering elswhere on the site).

Last year on Dec 18th I had a major breakdown. On that day I went to my doctor as a last resort - the first 'official type person I had ever told'. I had told others previously and thought that I was coping OK....I only hid the abuse for 32 years before telling 3 friends whilst extremely drunk. Two years after that I told my Doctor ( with hindsight he didn't have a bloody clue). I told my Manageress on the same day & she got me immediate counselling (lifesaver).

I am pretty certain that I found this site around the same time.... I just typed in a search like 'male abuse survivor'; and this site appeared right at the top of the list. I think I made my first post/response around new years eve of last year.

I never thought that somewhere like this could exist (and it shouldn't need to), but the responses that I got here helped me to become human again. It gave me the strength to go back and visit those places where the abuse happened. It gave me the strength to look at those places again throughout the seasons of this year and realise that those places held no fear for me now.

You gave me the strength to speak to my friends in greater detail about what happened - this meant that I had more support than I could ever imagine. Eventually I began to take control of my life again - on 17th Oct this year I finally spoke to the police and wrote/signed a 15 page statement against my abuser about what happened to me (now 35 years ago).

There is a very high chance that I may now have a chance to face my abuser in court (sometime in the spring ...around May). My friends/ counsellor have made staments in support....the police are supporting me to the hilt...my manager is doing likewise.

I am so angry at my abuser now, but what I want people who are new to this site to realise, is that it is a place where you can gain more strength than you ever believed that you could posses.

I feel that I have turned around so much in one year...from being suicidal to someone that is going to 'have the dog day (every dog has it's day)', that I want you all to experience that!

Yes I have concerns about going to court, knowing that 'the freak' that represents 'the perv' will attempt to slander me / belittle me etc. etc - he has no real argument about a 32 year old man v a 12 year old child back in 1969....lawyers & blood money. I'm not just going to stand there & take it because you have all given me the strength to take this fight on.

I want you all to continue giving that strength to each other - please do not bicker with each other...we are all in the same boat.

I cannot leave this post without, again, thanking each and everyone of you - stay strong my brothers & remember we are here to support each other.

Rik ...OH and a Happy Christmas & New Year to you too!
 
Hello Rick. I am interested in knowing about what your friends reaction was when you told them. I can tell you probably had reservations, as you said you were drunk. I'll tell you, ide have to be drunk as well because I dont know what people would say.
How did they handle it and how have they been to you?
 
All the best of the season to you as well, Rik, and thank you for your eloquent words.

Taking my cue from you, I will say that 2004 was a pivotal year for me.

In the course of post-traumatic stress counselling earlier this year, stemming from a broken hip and wrist when run down by a cab in 2003, the subject of sexual abuse came up. My psychiatrist told me that traumas tend to bring up older traumas and, as you can read in my survivor story, I've had a few.

I came home from that particular psych. appointment and, like you Rik, did a general search for "male sexual abuse recovery", or words to that effect - believing that the doc may be on to something.

That led me here.

Then Mike, also from Toronto, sent me a message and asked if I had considered doing group work at "The Gatehouse". This was the first I had heard of "The Gatehouse", but I called them. It just so happened they were doing intake that week for the autumn groups for male adult survivors.

It has been a very powerful experience, and I've committed to doing a second round come the new year.

This work has been the greatest gift I have ever received - and it started right here.

Peace,
Kenn
 
PhillyPA - they were the best.

We were actually at a strippers do at a friends fathers pub (don't know how this fits in with your beliefs or anyone elses that is reading it - I also know that anyone can read what I am posting here). It was towards the end of the night & I was old enough & wise enough to know that some of those 'ladies' offer extras (well if you believe........).

I had gone to the toilet & when I came back, one of my friends just said 'we have got some money together for you' - I just totally freaked beacuse I thought they had set me up for a live sex show (something in reality that they would never have done in a million years).

I just lost it because it felt like I had no control over an impending situation (that wasn't even going to happen).

I went outside & was immediately followed by the friend that had mentioned the money (it was just for a photograph, nothing more).

The other 2 followed & I was just so freaked (even though I had realised then what the reality was) that I just totally spilled the beans, that I had been sexually abused when I was 12 and that no way could I be involved in any scenario that I was not fully prepared for or agreeable to!

It's about 3 years now since I told them - they are all writing statements to support me in my potential court case against my abuser. One did so yesterday ( he has a mild aversion to the police/authoritarian figures...another was due to do so today). The third will do so later. It's not that long ago that I asked if they would write supportive statements (I knew that they would - but terrified that they would say no) - they have not let me down....I may be very lucky now...they make me feel humble for wasting so much time!

I can also state that I have been so lucky that everyone I have told since has also been supportive.

I see from your membership number that you are fairly new here - my biggest fear was telling my sister (5 years older than me - both parents dead / abuser was from outside the family) - after I made my statement to the police, I told her the same night... the next day I walked so much taller than I had for years.

I don't know if other people have experienced the same reaction when disclosing abuse, but whatever reaction you get - remember the blame lies with the abuser...they are the ones at fault.....that is something that has been repeated to me so many times in so many different words (and they all meant it).

I could say that my friends were like gold or diamonds, but they are only trivial cosmetic adornments - my friends have proved to be so much more than that.

Best wishes on your journey ...Rik
 
Kenn - sorry I was busy typing away when you made your post (had to get it right).

I hope that you continue to enjoy 'The Gift' - it's so empowering after spending so much time in the wildernesss isn't it!

2004 has been a year that I could never fully represent with my vocabulary... 2005 - well I feel that my life has the potential to be like bonfire night every night (I bloody love fireworks - no I'm not a pyromaniac).

Love and peace for everyone (must be the second time I've said love this year & probably about the second time I've said it in my life).

Rik
 
Rick,

Just a few words to thank you for thr tribute, here, and to wish you all the luck in the world as you face your perpetrator. It's my bet that he'll want to settle with you before any actual court appearance. If he doesn't, take all of us with you...we are in your corner, you know.

I, too, found this site, late one night, while I was in the throes of suicidal thoughts. I could not believe what I was reading, I thought that I was dreaming. It only took me 15 minutes to decide that I had to become a member.

Your comments took me back to that life saving event in my life...thank you for that, too.

David
 
Rick,

Like you, I kept my abuse hidden for decades (26-27 yrs). My perp was killed soon after he raped me, when I was 16, so I'm luckier in the sense that I no longer have to face him again...ever!

The fact that I know he is dead, hasn't really meant a hill of beans to me as far as the abuse is concerned. I still have occasional nightmares, can get into a mental funk at the drop of a hat, and still think about it almost everyday. Its been 32 yrs ago now!

The first person I told was my wife about 5 yrs ago. I, too, was drunk. She has been nothing but supportive of me. She encourages me to see a therapist, although I'm not up to that yet.

Last summer for some reason, I was plagued by these memories. I guess you can only deal with these memories for so long before you have to face them. I wasn't as lucky as some of you were at finding this site. I searched about 2-3 hrs. Most were porn sites, or sites where freaks wanted to act out abuse. I was so happy when I found Male Survivor. I read the posts, and knew I had found what I had been looking for.

I had been looking for other guys that had gone through the same experiences, guys that would not just listen to my story, but guys that understood my feelings and fears.

Each of you here at Male Survivor are a Godsend. It's a damn shame that we have met under the circumstances we have, but I thank God Almighty every night for you and pray for each of you to be safe and pray for each of you on your individual paths at dealing with this crap.

Disagreements are going to occur here. Trusts are going to be broken. It's the same in life anywhere you go. We have to realize that each of us is dealing with our own demons because of the abuse. In many cases, if not all, the abuse has warped our sense of trust. Trust is something that has to be earned, yes, but also it has to be learned. I feel honored to learn to trust others here with you guys. I feel safe here. I know there are people here who cannot be trusted...yet. I hold out hope though, that together we can all trust each other and continue to encourage and help each other along the way. We'll all get there eventually.

Have a Happy Holiday, Guys!
 
Rick. Very kool. It's good to hear your friends were there for you, and I hope to have similar interactions when opening up. Thank you, good luck with your case.
 
My brothers. I too found this site when I was a rock bottom. And it has come to be a sort of refuge for me.

I know that, at times, others who come here can cause a lot of grief. We try our best to weed it out and deal with it. We know that trust is a fragile thing with us. And it's doubly so with us. But by and large we are all here for the same reason.

I hope that each and everyone of my brothers here have a terrific holiday season and that 2005 becomes a year of happy things for us all.
 
Rick, thanks for all you contribute, and great to know you have shifted one massive burden. Don't forget it is hard to get up the hill, harder as you grow older. But the hill is nothing to the mountains you climed when you where young.

That's how I see it.

When I first came here, I could not put a name on any of the things I felt where happening, so I could not address what I didn't know.

The guys in here have triggered so many feelings in me, I have found out how to lower my boundaries and speak out to people on how I might be feeling.

Something which is hard to do, but I found it so great to have so many friends in life who have been there is a blessing, that nobody can bestow on me.

I wish you all a brilliant New Year, for 2005

A Year of Peace, Goodwill, and Understanding, a Year of less hurt, and more seeing of beauty as the World was meant to be seen, :cool:

take care,

ste
 
I am rather confused some, what I feel of this site sometime. And that is not nothing bad of anyone here, even with what recent happen. I think none of us ever want to have to be here. To have reason to be here. And sometime I hate it, sometime I wish I never come here, because it is very hard sometime, the panic the fear the bad dreams. I did not have those before I start to 'deal' with things, because I still was shut off of my feelings. I wish to be back to that, to shut down again. But most of time, I am very happy I feel now. I laugh. I cry to, which sometime is not such good feeling, but it is good feeling, because I know I am real person if I can do that. I am human again. I feel. I enjoy things, I laugh, I can feel all my emotions, some bad, yes, but some good also. I am human and real person now, and it is most because this place and people here, because if I not come here, I would not start therapy and do other things to work at getting better. So I thank Leosha for helping me to come here, I thank Outis for being first one to talk with me here, and I thank everone I meet here. I learn from everone, whether it is good things or bad things, I learn of myself, and that always will be good. Thank you.

andrei
 
I, too, found this site when I was finally "forced" into therapy when I realized that I was going to have to confront my behaviour or lose my wife, whom I dearly love. I was looking for anything on the net where I could find information about what I was going through. I couldn't believe all the writings that were exactly the same as I felt or had faced!

I had lied to myself and everyone else because all I knew were lies. I am amazed I was able to function with all that baggage hanging around in my head. I gather strentgh from those that have gone before me. To all of you: "Thanks!!!"

This site has also been a wonderful source of information for my wife. The last few months have been tumultuous indeed, but this site has really helped me in facing what I had put off for 40 years.
 
This site has helped me to maintain whatever sanity I may have had, and shown me that I am not at all alone and crazy. This site in general, and some people in specific, have literally saved my life, and I am beyond greatful to it and them. I hope only to give back a small percentage of what it has given me.

leosha
 
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