What the child molesters think

And I want to thank everyone plus the OP for this thread. I had no idea I would be participating in it, but I did, and do. And I, too, will read the book.
It's amazing how, by discussing this subject, I understand so much more than the past period of therapy has accomplished. we do it together, yes?
 

Dan99

Registrant
Thank you all for the wonderful discussion. You all show me how to go about being unafraid in recovery. And that comment about forgiving myself for falling short in my path was such a timely reminder for me it brings tears to my eyes. It's right where I am in my own journey. I can forgive anyone anything except myself.

I wanted to clarify I didn't do this in any way out of sympathy for abusers. I have none. I did it to help me understand. I'm one of those people who needs to know how everything works. If you leave me in a room with a mechanical device and a screwdriver, I probably won't be able to resist popping it apart.

I told my therapist I intended to investigate how pedophiles think, and he cautioned against it. What did I hope to gain? In truth I didn't gain much until it turned into this conversation here. So thank you again.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
@Dan99

I haven't read all of this but I want to. I think my healing journey needs a break. I can't fix "it" (everything) over night.

...my earlier comment was out of anger, naturally. While I still feel those words, I've come down from the hurt I was expressing.

I'm not sure forgiving myself, not just once, was ever an option I wanted to have. I've been punishing myself for to long & its created a living hell on earth for me.

I can no longer live that way or I won't survive.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
CT - it's okay. It's actually healthy that you can express things here out of your anger. We appreciate and love you CT!
 
This is all so challenging because shame that invariably arises out of trauma would make it seem we are obliged to ask forgiveness of ourselves. Is that because we engaged in the dance that invariably comes with sexual engagement? Men so often look back at the trauma saying that because they experienced pleasure that motivated them to go back for more, that THEY are complicit. To my mind that is a mind fuck. None of us would have been in those situations were it not for one of two things. The first may be our own vulnerability that likely comes from estrangement in our family. The second is we had the misfortune to encounter someone for whom sexual engagement with a vulnerable child served THEIR need for release of whatever demons inhabited them. Neither of those circumstances represents an indictment of the child who found himself in that situation. That boy was eternally innocent... before, during and after the traumatic events. Ultimately, the process of unpacking these memories will hinge on this question... whether we were culpable and therefore need absolution, or whether we were innocents deserving of compassion. I don't believe you have anything Darren for which you must seek absolution and you certainly don't need to forgive the perpetrators who used you for their sexual gratification. It is not self-forgiveness my friend it is self-compassion... and nothing else.
So well put @Visitor, thanks for pointing me to this thread. Self-compassion does ease the shame.
 
visitor said:
This is all so challenging because shame that invariably arises out of trauma would make it seem we are obliged to ask forgiveness of ourselves
It's this that is so difficult to grasp. Because self-forgiveness is not about forgiving yourself, but the abusers. In order to be able to move on. But I find that a very confusing term. Although it's slightly different, I prefer self-compassion, as Visitor says.

And now I will add something my T tells me. It's what is so difficult to understand for me, and those are not my words. But perhaps it can help you understand?
My T says that I am tied to my abusers by a strong rope. And that rope will stay there unless I free myself by not allowing the abusers to have a grip on me. He says that, in order to cut that rope, I have to forgive them so I can move on. And by forgiving he doesn't mean forgetting, or pretend it didn't happen.

Well, yes, confusing.
 
Personally Darren, I don't think one has to "forgive" the abusers to put down the rope... we are free to do that whenever we wish.

My therapist had me visualize myself standing in the middle of a circle holding the end of a rope, which in my case was also held by my mother who was outside the circle. The moment he framed the exercise I could feel the tension on the rope as we both pulled on it. He then asked that I put down the rope and assess how I felt. It was AMAZING. It was only upon reflection that I understood I was carrying my mother's depression, anxiety and rage. I would suggest the same is happening with the perpetrator. We are carrying his shame, believing it is our own. We don't have to say I forgive you in order to lay down the rope. We owe him/them nothing. Doubtless we've struggled with shame and believed on some level what happened was an indictment of us... but the fact we inhabit human bodies that respond to sexual stimulation says NOTHING about intent... even if it stimulates desire. We didn't seek out this meeting, these behaviors... they were introduced to us by someone who simply wanted to use our innocence, our beauty to satisfy his sexual desire. And we were left to carry the painful memories of it all... even memories that could be laced with longing. We were sexualized by the trauma and have been living with that our entire lives. It is time for self-compassion and self-care... not forgiveness we offer to the perpetrator. That's my two cents on the topic.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
I have been Molested by a doctor, a boy scout leader, a girl baby sitter, raped by her BF, flashed by a neighbor, wittiness a few sexual assults And I always ask why? Why me? Why am I the luck one? I have 3 Friends who are registered sex offended. They were my friends before they did the crime. I was not changing our friendship afterwards. They all went to prison and which did change then some what but we stayed friends. I did not visit them while they were away. But I did write to them and told them I was planning to stay friends with them. I did ask them all why they did what they did and they all answer me but not with real heart warming answers. I don't think they knew. Recently I have made a new friend Who was just at teh end of his 2 years of Prison he is 23 and now has been move to a hospital were the State of NY wants to keep him civilly confined in a state Mental hospital for 8 years of patrol. by the time he gets out he will not be the same person and most like in a short time will return to the hospital for the rest of his life. Me and an other friends have got him a lawyer and is trying to get him out. He will live with my friend and we both plan to rehabilitate him.

I know you all think I am nuts. I Think I do it for the following reason. 1) he his Asperger syndrome and he was never treated for it the system screw up and this is how he end up here. its a long story. 2) he is 23 and I believe he can do well. 3) I want to know why I was raped and abused, what is better then to help some one who has done that to finger why? 4) I can save a sole its worth it. He has already saved my sole. he is the one who told me about this site and how I found all of you.
 
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