What should I do?

[chaucer]

Ok, I just need to get some advice about what I should do. Recently I spent the night at one of my friends houses. We went to bed pretty late but I was woken up early in the morning. Usually a heavy sleeper It seemed strange, but I fell back to sleep soon. Then a little later I was in a state of half consciousness. Resting, but not totally asleep, I was stirred when I felt my "friend" massaging my crotch. I started to move and he hopped back in his bed(I was sleeping on the floor). I was very aroused at this point, but I didn't want him to continue. I was so tired that I wasn't really thinking straight and I thought that maybe I had dreamt it. I dozed off again and was semi-awakened by his touch again, but this time his hands were inside my underware fondling my genitals. I started to move a little again, but this time he didn't run. I didn't know what to do and I just froze, still wondering if this was really happening. He felt around some and was just looking at it(I assumed, I still had my eyes closed, pretending to be in a deep sleep). He pulled down my pants and underware so that I was exposed. I barely squinted open my eyes and saw his head heading torward my crotch. I couldn't tell for sure by the feel, but I'm pretty sure that he placed his mouth on my penis. I became unfrozen enough to move a little and he hopped back in his bed. He came back again soon though and once again fondled me, and put his hands down the back of my pants. He still had no idea that I knew that any of this was going on, because he thought I was asleep. I was very aroused still, and didn't want him to do anything else. I moved and acted like I was just starting to wake up. I waited until he was back in bed and then got up to use the restroom. I went in there and started to realize what had just happened, but everything was still real fuzzy. I jacked off so I wouldn't be aroused anymore and then returned to sleep. I woke up several hours later and he was just laying in bed. I told him that I was going to go on home, and just pretended like I had no idea anything had happened. By the time I got home. I felt like it was my fault. Why didn't I do something to stop him, I just froze? I don't know how I can face him again. I have several classes with him and go to the same church, so I can't avoid him. What should I do? Should I just pretend to not know anything happened? Also, we share a lot of the same friends and I don't know who I can trust to tell, and whether or not they will believe me. I'm so confused right now.

 

[andrew51]

Chaucer,
Sounds like your friend might be gay or at least very curious. If you aren't interested in future sexual encounters with him, don't have anymore sleepovers with him. I'm not sure if it would do any good to confront him about it. Chances are you may not be close friends with him from here on in anyway. I'm assuming he is your age, and since you didn't give him a clear no, and pretended you were asleep, it doesn't rank right up there as a clear case of sexual abuse or assault in my mind. I wouldn't feel guilty about getting aroused by his fumblings, your body just reacted to the stimulation, and ya don't have much control over that. Peace, Andrew

 

[Dale English]

Chaucer,

Your story hits me a litle differently. I guess I have a statement and a question. First, regardless of the sexual orientation of your friend, NO ONE has the right to touch you sexually without your explicit permission. He didn't have the courage to be honest about his feelings of desire so try not to be so hard on your self about your fear of telling him the truth about your feelings now.

Now the question. How old did you "feel" when he was touching you and you wanted it to stop and go away? I don't know how old you really are but the "you" in the post didn't sound the same age.
The post "you" sounded like a boy versus the adult you who might beat the shit out of someone who would violate your boundaries like that. Just a thought!

No matter what, get some help so that the adult you can rescue that other you and speak up for him. It's what we all deserve. In the meantime, keep writing about it and share the process with us. You're a good man Chaucer and it's going to get better.

Taz

 

[andrew51]

Taz,
If we were to recommend counselling and make a big deal out of every occasion that there were fumblings, experimentations and sexual come-ons during sleepover's, both hetero and homosexual, there wouldn't be enough shrinks and psychologists in the world to keep up. Sometimes, adolescent experimentation is just that. Sexual encounters, both gay and straight, usually begin by one of the parties (although usually not sleeping) taking the lead and making a pass, and either being rebuffed or encouraged.
I am reminded of a time about 25 years ago when I was running a residential treatment facility. We had a foster care program in place for some of our residents. We placed them in foster care in the community. How lucky we were when a very, very prominent psychiatrist and his psychologist wife volunteered to be foster parents. The funding government agency was ecstatic and we were much the same. We placed two difficult teenage boys with them. Well, it turned into a total nightmare. The well educated foster parents turned every meal time into a therapeutic happening, and looked for pathology in every cough and hiccup.
I fear that is what we do here sometimes. In simple language, we sometimes turn a mole hill into a mountain.
Peace, Andrew

 

[crisispoint]

Chaucer,

Not in the best place mentally right now, so I don't know if I'm able to help. But your post brought back some painful memories for me and what happened to you disturbed you enough to want to talk about it.

Have to agree with Taz. you responded to his advances like you were afraid of him or them. Besides that, he groped you when he thought you were asleep. At the very least, it was a violation of your space. at the most (which i believe it is), he sexually assaulted you.

Sounds very much like what my abuser did. He intimidated me into keeping quiet. I don't know how old you are rpesently, but you responded in a way that was very child-like (not wrong!). Were you assaulted when you were younger? Did this man make you feel powerless?

I said it earlier, not in the best frame of mind now, so you need to find people you can trust to talk this over. Someone told me and I'll tell you, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

Wishing peace for you, bro. love you no stringfs.

Scot

 

[chaucer]

Thanks everyone for your take on it. I'm still pretty confused about what happened, it just doesn't seem real at all. When it was happening I was scared, but I don't really know why. I was never sexually assaulted as a child to answer crisispoint's question. I had no idea that my friend would do something like that. We had grown up together and were pretty close friends. I feel very uncomfortable to be around him now. I just try to avoid him. I don't really feel traumatized by what happened, but nothing really feels right. I just feel numb. I feel like I need to tell a friend, but all of my close friends are also his friends, so I don't know if it would be better to just keep what happened to myself or what. Do you think I need to tell someone or I am I just making this out to be a bigger issue than it is?

 

[Ken Singer LCSW]

Hi Chaucer:
You wrote:

I was never sexually assaulted as a child to answer crisispoint's question.

If your reaction is not connected to a childhood experience, is it reflective of adult experiences? Have you been in sexual situations that made you feel uncomfortable or manipulated by another?

There may be some sexual issues here along the lines of interest in same sex experience. Have you been sexual with another male? Thought about it or ever felt any sexual attraction to your friend? Did you fantasize about the touching when you masturbated on that occasion? Since then?

Sometimes sexual discomfort is in response to previous sexual experiences such as earlier abuse. Sometimes it is in response to ambivalent, confused or conflicted sexual attractions.

I think you may need to explore what is going on with you in a safe place, such as this forum. Then, it may be appropriate to talk with your friend. If it (being sexual with him or another male) is something you don't want to do, it would make sense to let him know that you are not interested and that you want him to respect your boundaries if you are going to remain friends. Saying nothing about it opens the door to further incidents and gives him the message that perhaps you are willing if he puts moves on you when you are sleeping (or drunk), or even more forcefully.

Saying something to him will probably be uncomfortable but it needs to be said.

Ken

 

[andrew51]

Hi again Chaucer,
upon further reflection, I must agree with Ken's words:

If it (being sexual with him or another male) is something you don't want to do, it would make sense to let him know that you are not interested and that you want him to respect your boundaries if you are going to remain friends.....

Peace, Andrew