What Should I Do?

What Should I Do?
T

Tom S.

Registrant
I just went to see a new therapist who was referred to me with high honors from my physician, because she was registered with sexual abuse as a speciality. I got the referral, precerts, signed releases, and waited a month for my first appointment until my records were reviewed.
I went in, sat down, and began to tell my story and asked her who in the world could possibly think it is alright to have sex with a 16 year old boy.
She stated, " Well I suppose it depends on who you ask." And added that "some people think that sex and a notch in ones belt was considered a right to passage."
And this person is listed with the Middle Tn. Mental Health Registry as having a speciality in sexual abuse.
What should I do?
Tom S. in Tn.
 
I can't tell you what you should do. But if it happened to me, I would not go back. :eek: Also I would complain to whatever agency gave the referal - insurance company or whoever.
 
Is she living in the dark ages? She certainly hasn't been reading anything on the subject for the last 10-15 years. It's very insensitive for her to say something like that to a survivor.

If at all possible talk to her and tell her how you felt when she said that. If she doesn't respond well maybe it's time for a different therapist no matter how difficult it is to change again.

Take good care of yourself, keep healing and remember that we're all here for you.

Steve
 
Both of her statements are facts about the sorry state of our society. It would matter who you asked. There are people who would view it as a right of passage.

I don't think a survivor needs a lesson on how screwed up the world can be, though. If you have to continue with her, can you tell her that you know those things already? I would have thought your question was rhetorical. The only answer to your original question is "a perp."

I know it's taken a while for you to find someone to work with. Can you try to be upfront with her about these comments and how much they bother you? It may just be a rough start to a good working relationship.

Joe
 
Hi T.

Hey! I am so sorry that you had top go through that! She is NUTS!

I know that theer is a new fashion is Psychology and with a lot of new theapists that approaches the horrors of what was done to us by forces outside of our control - as something to treat very lightly. This is a big movement in psychology. In her book "Lucky" by Alice Sebold (The Lovely Bones) she writes about having been raped. She went to see atherapists and teh woman said "well, I guess you aren't going to have any problems abpout ahving sex now". She was mortified and couldn't remember whether she told the woman that "taht's a pretty f*#&ked up thing to say", but she walked out right then. THAT IS WHAT I WOULD ADVISE YOU TO DO!!! Tell her that that is a really screwed up thing to say and walk out! Or just don't go back! I would be enraged - and I have met three psychiatrists who said that they cannot talk about the abuse beacause what I experienced and now experience are not facts. I told them they are experiences - they said that talking like that doesn't make sense. They can only help me with a fact, they all said! (And they are running two of teh four hospital psychiatry depts in this city!)!

I am sorry top go on. It enrages me - this whole 'treat it casually' stance. The idea is that if "they and i don't act like it is a big deal, then i can change it all! That is utter BS! I cannot change the meaning of things! Most things in life are bigger than any one person. Rape - poverty - child abuse - aids - are all bigger than me, and I cannot decide of what value they are worth. ESPECIALLY IF I DON"T HAVE THE OR EXPERIENCE THEM !! IF MY OPINION ABOUT ALL OF THESE HUGE HUGE LIFE PROBLEMS WOS AF ANY REAL VALUE, I COULD CHANGE THE WORLD! IT IS A POMPOUS AND RE-ABUSIVE STANCE!

The idea that I can change how i think and feel about severe abuses is ridiculous. I work in a profession tyhat demands of me to give the rpoper weight and emotional meaning to huge life problems so that I can challenge the minds of teh audience. Because of that I cannot work from what I think about anything, but only what I know to be emotionally true about teh (saddness - joy - etc) fof a big life moment!! If I could change how I feel and think abouit my abuse, I would have been cured years ago!

The people I have encountered who use that approah in therapy are petty, demeaning in their actions (they don't want to hear about and will leave the room if i cry - shaming the idea that crying when feelings come up is inappropriate!) All of them were liars! They were all - behavior wise - more concerned with how they appeared than how ther really were. (patting their skirt down! Talking about sexuall avuse with giggles and laughter after being told about my being thrown out of a bathroom stall. "guess he didn't like it". Gighgles all around!

In my work, we have to have REAL emotional connection to the environment around us! Not from what we think - but from the enormity of the issue. When a person fakes a laugh, we know it - and that is called bad acting! If we have the emotion we must use it - if we don't we are never to fake it, because the audience will know we are fake - because it won't ring true! These "therapisst" fake their way through - They even demeaned one woman and old her off for getting upset and anxious when refering to a stalker. They "did not want ot be around that kind of emotional expression, and she should stop it". Needless to say that in 16 weeks nothing much was covered and nothing else was expressed. We all like we were at a tea party - which is what they wanted - a kind of fake isn;t it all good attitude (attitude as opposed to substance!!!).

Your experiences should be honoured for what they bring up in you!!! Otherwise - i know - one could not know what it is like to honour others! IT HAS BECONE FASHIONABLE TO ACT WITH ALL CREDIBILITY REVOKED! SURE MAKES THEIR WORK EASY FOR THEM.

If it continues in this way, man, people will feel nothing about everything!

She is trying to force you to think lightly about something that you have a right to feel however you feel about it! the experience is yours and she ha sno right to treat ot however she wants to - as a professional - You are the subject at hand - not her! If she doesn't want to be around the effects of abusive acts doen to poeple otuside of their control - she should keep her vicious opinions to herself. If she ran the world a new holocoust would be around the corner - along with the refusal to accept meekness and shyness and hurt ! WHO THE F DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!

RUN MY FRIEND!!! She is pretending that she knows how to manipulate experiences. Yoiu have the right to feel anything about your abuse and to express it in any way that is not harmful to others or oyurself!!! It is your actions you can adjust ... (and she should too - otherwise she should stay at home!) - wht you feel is what you feel It is always the truth if it is honest! How you act beacuse of how you feel - or sometimes in spite of what you feel - is a path towards understanding! She is ridiculous!

sorry to go on! I am enraged at her abusive words to you! She has no right ot qualify your experience of what was acted towards you! RUN FROM HER!

Plus - i know you - and you deserve only the best from others!!!

With loving friendship from Asher
 
Tom
I think that you should go back to see her, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly to challenge what she said that has angered you, ask her for her reasons, and beliefs, that made her say that.
Perhaps - with a full, credible, explanation her statement might fall into a context where it makes sense.

I agree that it was NOT a good thing to say to a survivor on their first session.
Maybe as a 'challenge' to your thinking at a much later stage, when a rapport has been established, a provocation such as that could release some powerful and emotional responses.
It's certainly done that with your response here - but it should have been during the session, and when the therapist has some idea of your possible reaction.

It might well have been a misjudgement on her part, and something that can be sorted out and overcome, but if you feel it isn't - and it's an indication of her style which you don't feel comfortable with, then that's the second reason to go back.

To tell her why you feel you have to cease therapy with her.
If she's upset you that much, you need to 'close' that upset and move on, and telling her WHY will help you do that.

Therapy isn't easy, and it has to provoke us into thinking the unthinkable at times, but care and empathy have to foremost.

Dave
 
Originally posted by Lloydy:
[QB] Tom
I think that you should go back to see her, for a couple of reasons.

No way.
This prima dona is far too dangerous. I have been seduced and raped by one already. All she has to do is scream real loud and say she was threatened, and then I'll be the one defending myself in front of a judge. The female always has the advantage of the law.
I have been exposed to some prettly lousy conuselors, but this one is really unsafe and I know it. I wrote in here just to keep the issue in the forefront, and gather others response.
I have a difficult time following all the text, and I can't go back to be able to use everybodies name, but I sincerely appreciate all the response, and I believe I will contact the referring physician to tip him and hence her to the fact I am contacting the registry. I may very well contact the state board of liscensure, but for a social worker, the odds are very unlikley I will ever be able to talk to a real person. State agencies are about as lousy as mental health providers. The states comissioner of childrens services was fired by our gov. Bredeson this past tuesday.
I contend the profession WILL change, even without intervention. Money getting in short supply will only go to individuals who are productive. The problem is the damage they cause in the interum.

Thanx EVERYONE! I needed the support.
Tom S. in Tn.

BTW.....I am recieving counseling services from a well versed and quite professional VOLUNTEER at a very unlikley community service where I also volunteer a little help.
These folks have priorities in order including GOD. They even dress the part. I just don't know how long I will be able to recieve services, and am afraid resources may be very limited.

quote;" In this time of economic uncertainity, it's easy to see who is concerned in providing health care services, and who is chasing bucks."
Click to expand...
 
Originally posted by Lloydy:
[QB] Tom
I think that you should go back to see her, for a couple of reasons.

No way.
This prima dona is far too dangerous. I have been seduced and raped by one already. All she has to do is scream real loud and say she was threatened, and then I'll be the one defending myself in front of a judge. The female always has the advantage of the law.
I have been exposed to some prettly lousy conuselors, but this one is really unsafe and I know it. I wrote in here just to keep the issue in the forefront, and gather others response.
I have a difficult time following all the text, and I can't go back to be able to use everybodies name, but I sincerely appreciate all the response, and I believe I will contact the referring physician to tip him and hence her to the fact I am contacting the registry. I may very well contact the state board of liscensure, but for a social worker, the odds are very unlikley I will ever be able to talk to a real person. State agencies are about as lousy as mental health providers. The states comissioner of childrens services was fired by our gov. Bredeson this past tuesday.
I contend the profession WILL change, even without intervention. Money getting in short supply will only go to individuals who are productive. The problem is the damage they cause in the interum.

Thanx EVERYONE! I needed the support.
Tom S. in Tn.

BTW.....I am recieving counseling services from a well versed and quite professional VOLUNTEER at a very unlikley community service where I also volunteer a little help.
These folks have priorities in order including GOD. They even dress the part. I just don't know how long I will be able to recieve services, and am afraid resources may be very limited.

quote;" In this time of economic uncertainity, it's easy to see who is concerned in providing health care services, and who is chasing bucks."
Click to expand...
 
Originally posted by Joey G.:
I can't tell you what you should do. But if it happened to me, I would not go back. :eek: Also I would complain to whatever agency gave the referal - insurance company or whoever.
Click to expand...
Thanx, Joey G. I intend to do just that.
See my post below.
May God bless you!
Tom S.
 
Tom
you're right to go with what YOU feel is right, but it's also good to listen to other opinions, it keeps us alert.

I'm glad that you are getting some good counselling from a volunteer community service though, I know you've had a series of bad experiences and choosing / finding someone good is doubly important for you.

I also share the thought that counsellors will improve, they will have to maintain standards or they won't be able to practice. I know that here in the UK the whole proffession is tightening up dramatically, and that's got to be a good thing.

Dave
 
Tom,

You need to do what you are comfortable with. Building trust is something you need in a T. That sometimes is hard to do in the first place, yet alone starting off with a step in the other direction.

I know that I had an issue with my T, and talking to him about it cleared it all up. I thought I needed a new one, not after the talk. But it wasn't something of that caliber.

Keep shopping until you find a T that you feel that you will be able to trust.

Take care of yourself,
Bill
 
Bringing up the subject in an open dialog between you and your T may be just the ticket to establishing a meaningful, trusting relationship.

I have read that statement many times in the various books that I have encountered on child sexual abuse and it wasn't surprising for me to hear it. It probably didn't have the same meaning for me since it just seemed like a dry statistic.

Best,
Scotty
 
Tom, I am surprised that your physician referred you to a woman counsellor, considering your historical claims of abuse and feelings about same. However, I agree with Scotty when he suggested:
Bringing up the subject in an open dialog between you and your T may be just the ticket to establishing a meaningful, trusting relationship.
Click to expand...
I really hope that you are able to maintain the community based counsellor that you seem to have developed some trust with.

I wouldn't waste too much time trying to have your latest T censored. I seriously doubt that your complaining about one statement, after one visit will carry much impact with the State Licensing Board.

Peace, Andrew
 
I'm glad to hear you've found something safer.

You don't need to go back to see that woman. She knows what she said - and unless she is a moron - would have knowledge of how that statement might be felt by someone outside of herself. (one of my therapists said to me - she knows she's being a cow - call her a cow)!

She was applying her inability to speak feelingly to you and your experience of something that has nothing to do with what she thinks about it. What she thinks about what you've been through and how it has affected you is of less worth than her connection to how YOU are feeling about it and what she can do to help (ACTIONS. To camfort or challenge is an action. To comment isn't). Afterall - it was the abusers indifference to how what they were doing to you might affect you that is the core of the problems at hand.

You made a clear statement by not seeing her again. She can pretend that that has no meaning, but she will be being untruthful.
 
Ps my good friend. I am proud of you for seeing that and not accepting it.

Everyone deserves better in actions done around them. (Words are only a means of expressing an action). You have CARED for yourself as an action against indifference/hostility. To care sound like a great action to me.
 
It took me a long time to get to the point where I can advocate for myself when it comes to getting a therapist that works for me.

For a long, long time I just assumed if I was referred to a therapist, the person doing the referral must know me better than I do and so I didn't question the assignment.

It wasn't that long ago that someone said to me that therapists aren't always a good match. Sometimes you have to keep looking for the right one. That made a lot of sense.

The problem is that people who need therapists most tend to be people that most lack the self confidence needed to advocate for themselves. And mental health care systems rarely have anyone who effectively advocates on the behalf of clients.

Threads like these help fill that gap.

Brett
 
Yes, I would not go back, and I would report that person to anyone I can. That is not right, there is nothing right about any sexual contact with children, and 16 is still child. I am sorry this happened to you. I am new to therapy, but I hope to believe that most therapists are not stupid like that. Please get yourself some more help.

leosha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top