what should I do

what should I do
B

bc22

Registrant
It is so hard at times to decide what the right thing to do is. My mother is visiting, and I keep fighting with,"do I tell her about my emotional state right now and the effect it is having on my marriage."? Or do I worry about her reaction. 8 years ago, when I first told her what happened, her blood pressure sored and I felt very guilty about that and dirty about her knowing of some abuse. She came to visit, not be dumped on. Our relationship has never been one where I spill my guts. My relationship with everyone has never ben one where I spill my guts. Is that a big step towards recovery or am I just hurting my mother for no good reason? Did any of you guys have a similar situation? How did you handle it?
Thanks,
BC
 
Hi bc22

Thats a tough question. My mother was my abuser so my situation is a bit different. I told my sister about it and and she was a big source of support to start with but now 3 months later she has suddenly decided to move to London. Now life goes on as normal but without anyone speaking to my mother and I feel no better than before. I regret telling any family member about what happened now as I feel really cut off and I feel I have driven my sister away because she doesn't want to deal with our shit family including me.

I guess I'm saying be careful. If you feel your mother can be a big help in supporting you and it won't have a negative effect on your relationship then you should tell her. If she isn't going to be a source of support to you then are there any benefits of telling her.

Its a case of weighing up the pro's and con's

Only you can decide but I wish you the best of luck in whichever path you choose.

Take care

Craig
 
my brother was the one who started me with early sexulization..i went through a lot of bull in my years..just before i hit bottom i visted him with the intent to talk about this...what a mistake..he wouldnt talk about anything..so so much for that..to him it is like it didnt happen..what a waste of engery...on ward bound..on my mission..of trying to be a real person
 
bc,

On such an issue I think you should get strategic about things. By that I mean you should ask yourself some questions: What do you want from telling your mother? What are you likely to gain if she responds positively? What will you lose if she reacts in a bad way? What is she likely to do once she has this information?

Disclosure is important. Ultimately we all need to be able to break the silence and speak out - to someone. But in the first stages we should seek out safe people whom we think will understand and support us. It's also a good idea to plan a bit: let's choose a time and place that will offer some opportunity for communication. A hectic family visit where privacy is likely to be very limited might not provide that opportunity.

One thing that concerns me in your post is this:

My relationship with everyone has never been one where I spill my guts.
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Do you mean here that no one you know cares enough about you to listen to your needs and problems? Is that likely to be true? Or do you mean something like this: "I can't ask for what I want and need because I never feel like my needs and concerns are important. Or if they are, and I express them, they will never be met."

This problem is so common among survivors, and of course it's something an abused boy learns early on. His needs for love, safety and protection are meaningless, or if they do have meaning, all that can be cancelled out for the sake of the sexual satisfaction of a predator. That's not a lesson the boy is likely to forget, even though it's an absolutely false lesson. It's something that's burned into his heart, and he will carry it on into adulthood unless the wound is healed early.

One of the greatest feelings in recovery I have had so far came with the discovery (at age 56!) that I mattered, that my needs were important, and that I had a right to ask for them to be met. I hope you will work towards these same goals. But for now, I would say try to limit your efforts to contacts with people who are likely to respond with genuine support and concern.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,
Thank you again for your response. I meant the quote from the stand point of I have never shared myself with anyone. I went ahead and talked to my mother about it because my heart told me to. It was very good. She even validated some things for me. She said that at a certin age, i did seem to be starved for approval and that I never did share myself with anyone. Whenever she calls or when I was young, my rsponses have always been "i'm fine" or "everything is fine" even when they weren't. I never shared because I always felt like the second bannana to my older brother and I din't feel as important. My mothers response showed me how important I am to her. It was very cathardic(spelling?) Now if I can get my wife to open up and give me another change to become the man I was ORIGINALLY destined to be! I will be that person, I just hopes she wants to stay around and see the results!!!!!
Thanks,
BC
 
bc,

Whenever she calls or when I was young, my rsponses have always been "i'm fine" or "everything is fine" even when they weren't. I never shared because I always felt like the second bannana to my older brother and I din't feel as important.
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But you're every bit as important. This come down to that crucial problem so many survivors encounter - asking for what we need.

The next time your mother asks how you are, and if you are feeling bad, perhaps try the tactic of just saying so. My mother has been calling me at least once a week since I disclosed to her and my Dad last November, and their help has been so important to me.

Much love,
Larry
 
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