what should i do?
what should i do?
- Thread starterkuurt
- Start date
roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt,
The whole situation here and how you feel about it comes down to this sentence of yours:
Maybe I am missing something here, but I don't see ANYTHING that you should feel guilty about. You don't need to be forgiven. You have done nothing wrong.
What's totally clear is that your mother is a very poor parent. It's outrageous that she disbelieved you; it's incredible that she showed your letter to the abuser; and it just staggers the imagination that she would pressure you so badly that finally you agreed to go work with him.
When this whole thing ended with you being so terribly hurt, I imagine she felt very guilty about how badly she had handled things. But on second thought, perhaps not. Perhaps she has emotional issues of her own and just doesn't see what's going on here. Perhaps she just doesn't understand her responsibility as a mother.
I'm not trying to run down your Mom. I know how you feel about her and that's fine. It's natural for a teenager to love his mother and want her love in return.
But frankly speaking, I think you are best off exactly where you are now - with your Dad. It isn't your job or your responsibility to fix things with your Mom. She is the adult here, not you. She is the one who moved out and left you, and she is the one who has broken off communication with you.
There is nothing here that you can fix, Kurt. She is going to have to sort out her own problems and decide whether she can be a real mother. It's possible that she can't do that now. Will she be able to do this in the future? Who knows.
But the really essential fact here is, again, that you did nothing wrong and don't need to be forgiven. Through all these months I think you have been very brave; you have done exactly what you needed to do. Unfortunately, at every step she has failed you. But remember, that is her doing, not yours.
Much love,
Larry
The whole situation here and how you feel about it comes down to this sentence of yours:
Let's look at the facts here. You gave your mother a letter telling her who abused you when you were younger. She disbelieved you and thought you were making it up to get attention. She even showed the letter to the abuser, whom she likes, and the two of them made fun of you. Then she sent you to go work with that very same man on the repair of your house, even though you protested and told her you didn't want to go. While you were working with him, that guy, an adult in his late 20s who outweighs you by over 100 pounds, beat you up and put you in the hospital. When you came home, to your Dad's place where you and your mother were staying because of the hurricane, your mother had to take care of you but did so with not much enthusiasm. Then finally she took off, as you describe in your post.
Maybe I am missing something here, but I don't see ANYTHING that you should feel guilty about. You don't need to be forgiven. You have done nothing wrong.
What's totally clear is that your mother is a very poor parent. It's outrageous that she disbelieved you; it's incredible that she showed your letter to the abuser; and it just staggers the imagination that she would pressure you so badly that finally you agreed to go work with him.
When this whole thing ended with you being so terribly hurt, I imagine she felt very guilty about how badly she had handled things. But on second thought, perhaps not. Perhaps she has emotional issues of her own and just doesn't see what's going on here. Perhaps she just doesn't understand her responsibility as a mother.
I'm not trying to run down your Mom. I know how you feel about her and that's fine. It's natural for a teenager to love his mother and want her love in return.
But frankly speaking, I think you are best off exactly where you are now - with your Dad. It isn't your job or your responsibility to fix things with your Mom. She is the adult here, not you. She is the one who moved out and left you, and she is the one who has broken off communication with you.
There is nothing here that you can fix, Kurt. She is going to have to sort out her own problems and decide whether she can be a real mother. It's possible that she can't do that now. Will she be able to do this in the future? Who knows.
But the really essential fact here is, again, that you did nothing wrong and don't need to be forgiven. Through all these months I think you have been very brave; you have done exactly what you needed to do. Unfortunately, at every step she has failed you. But remember, that is her doing, not yours.
Much love,
Larry
Hauser
Registrant
Hi Kuurt, it's been a while since we talked. Like Larry said, it's totally normal to love your Mom and to want it in return, but she's not good for you, not now. You deserved support, and if ANYTHING, SHE should be asking YOU for forgiveness. SHE totally failed YOU.
How does someone with a Master's degree not know about CSA and the signs and problems that come with it? You have a lot of love to give, I suggest that you give it to someone more deserving, like your Dad. You may not be close, but if you explain to him how she failed you (not easy talking to parents about this I know) you may well forge a bond that is much stonger than you could ever have with your Mom. Maybe you should ask your Dad if you could have a one on one with him about how you feel, you might get upset and cry talking about it, but so what? I get the sense that your Dad will be much more understanding than her.
Larry explained it most eloquently when he described how she failed you every step in your way to disclosure. This has to feel terrible, tell your Dad about it.
You're Mom isn't evil or malicious, but she's clearly not able to process and deal with your situation, even though a licensed psychologist (isn't that what she is?) should be able to.
How does someone with a Master's degree not know about CSA and the signs and problems that come with it? You have a lot of love to give, I suggest that you give it to someone more deserving, like your Dad. You may not be close, but if you explain to him how she failed you (not easy talking to parents about this I know) you may well forge a bond that is much stonger than you could ever have with your Mom. Maybe you should ask your Dad if you could have a one on one with him about how you feel, you might get upset and cry talking about it, but so what? I get the sense that your Dad will be much more understanding than her.
Larry explained it most eloquently when he described how she failed you every step in your way to disclosure. This has to feel terrible, tell your Dad about it.
You're Mom isn't evil or malicious, but she's clearly not able to process and deal with your situation, even though a licensed psychologist (isn't that what she is?) should be able to.
reality2k4
Registrant
It upset me to read what she did, and I cannot give any advice more than is already given.
It would not be a wise move to break off from her, becuase you love her, and just want to know why she left without prior notice. Your dad will know more than he is saying, but maybe you are not strong enough to approach him, I dunno.
God knows how hard life is for someone your age, without CSA, never mind with it, but I always think psyche docs are cynical and blinkered in their mindset.
Its not you who should be saying sorry, but maybe she has to be alone to think just how bad this is working out. I hope she can come around and see sense in this fog of misunderstanding.
Take care of you,
ste
It would not be a wise move to break off from her, becuase you love her, and just want to know why she left without prior notice. Your dad will know more than he is saying, but maybe you are not strong enough to approach him, I dunno.
God knows how hard life is for someone your age, without CSA, never mind with it, but I always think psyche docs are cynical and blinkered in their mindset.
Its not you who should be saying sorry, but maybe she has to be alone to think just how bad this is working out. I hope she can come around and see sense in this fog of misunderstanding.
Take care of you,
ste
i think for once she did the right thing,your better off with your dad ,dude you know this aint your fault,nothing hurts more than loving someone who dont love you back,believe me i know .it will eat you up trying to un derstand people like your mom.
Kurt,
I've read the posts in this thread, and can't improve on what's been said much.
Larry is very correct in what he says. As much as you love her, for whatever reason she's unable to act as a responsible parent right now.
The only thing I'd like to add to that, is to ask you to try and not let that love turn into hatred. Hatred is a poison you don't need in your life as it will only turn you into a bitter old man who's had a life filled with hate.
I know that doesn't help much to relieve the bleakness of all the shit that's coming your way right now, but in a year or two you will be able to be the master of your own life if you so choose. At that point you can make your life what you want it to be. You can go to University and become anything you want to become. You can get an education, then start a family of your own and raise kids that will be loved and cherished in a way that you have not been. What better way to break the cycle of the things that have happened to you?
I wish you so many good things, Bro.
Lots of love,
John
I've read the posts in this thread, and can't improve on what's been said much.
Larry is very correct in what he says. As much as you love her, for whatever reason she's unable to act as a responsible parent right now.
The only thing I'd like to add to that, is to ask you to try and not let that love turn into hatred. Hatred is a poison you don't need in your life as it will only turn you into a bitter old man who's had a life filled with hate.
I know that doesn't help much to relieve the bleakness of all the shit that's coming your way right now, but in a year or two you will be able to be the master of your own life if you so choose. At that point you can make your life what you want it to be. You can go to University and become anything you want to become. You can get an education, then start a family of your own and raise kids that will be loved and cherished in a way that you have not been. What better way to break the cycle of the things that have happened to you?
I wish you so many good things, Bro.
Lots of love,
John
hey kuurt,what about our new deal dude you have no need to want your mom to forgive you! forgive you for what dude?but i know it feels like its your fault she left.sometimes we just got to admit it kuurt ,its not something we did wrong ,i know for me it was eaiser to bame myself than to have to face the fact that maybe my mom just didnt love me ,or know how to love me. kuurt your no more to blame for what your mom did ,than i am to blame for what happened to my brother. you were a good son thats why her leaving bothers you ,dont ever forget her or stop loving her ,just stop blamming yourself for the chioce she made,dude she had every chance to do the right thing,she made the choices not you. shadow
kuurt,
I agree with what Hauser said. She should be seeking YOUR forgiveness.
I agree with what Hauser said. She should be seeking YOUR forgiveness.
reality2k4
Registrant
Kurt,
do as you feel it is best to do, but when you are faced with a problem that has so many facets, sometimes it is best to step back and wait and see.
My family still deny my abuse, until I hit them with key factors of it, but it does not make them come around, they still deny it all.
Let's face it, who the f*ck could be in your mind!
Who? Can ever see the hurt they do!
You are going through so many emotions, it is hard to say which is positive and negative, but guess what. If she loves her son, she will be back.
Is it so hard for a parent to believe her son was deeply hurt by this beast!
Unless she has been there, she wont know how hard it can hit.
I hope she can come around, and try to get her head around it, because not many ppl outside of this place can.
I hope its OK to stay with yr dad,
ste
do as you feel it is best to do, but when you are faced with a problem that has so many facets, sometimes it is best to step back and wait and see.
My family still deny my abuse, until I hit them with key factors of it, but it does not make them come around, they still deny it all.
Let's face it, who the f*ck could be in your mind!
Who? Can ever see the hurt they do!
You are going through so many emotions, it is hard to say which is positive and negative, but guess what. If she loves her son, she will be back.
Is it so hard for a parent to believe her son was deeply hurt by this beast!
Unless she has been there, she wont know how hard it can hit.
I hope she can come around, and try to get her head around it, because not many ppl outside of this place can.
I hope its OK to stay with yr dad,
ste
roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt,
As I said previously, you have done nothing wrong. Ther's nothing for YOU to fix, and nothing you can do to make things better.
Much love,
Larry
I'm afraid that if you contact her she will reject you or say things to hurt you, which is always what she has done in the past. I think you need to give her time to figure out what she needs to do. This problem is her doing; she's the one who needs to fix it.
As I said previously, you have done nothing wrong. Ther's nothing for YOU to fix, and nothing you can do to make things better.
Much love,
Larry
Kurt,
Just stopping by to wish you good things. I know it's hard to be in the place you are in. It's got to hurt. Just remember there are a bunch of guys here who really do care about you and what happens to you. No strings attached.
Lots of love,
John
Just stopping by to wish you good things. I know it's hard to be in the place you are in. It's got to hurt. Just remember there are a bunch of guys here who really do care about you and what happens to you. No strings attached.
Lots of love,
John