What Path Am I Taking?


A good friend of mine who knows my abuse history and therefore my motivations to become a researcher and advocate for survivors of childhood and adulthood sexual abuse sent me a magazine in the mail from here in Germany. The magazine is for educators and the topic of this issue was about internet-based sexual abuse of children and youth and child pornography. It features articles on the statistics globally and here in Germany as well as interviews with a psychologist, a survivor, and law enforcement. Once the articles started getting into the details about child pornography and their investigations I started to feel very triggered and had a rush of horrible thoughts and feelings. This all happened today on my commute home from work as I was reading the articles on the train.

Sometimes it makes me wonder: Am I doing the right thing? Am I taking the right career path and will I be able to help people? Will I be able to stop beating myself up with guilt, exposing myself to triggers, and fully achieve a successful relationship with myself and (romantically) with others?

I have to say though, I am very thankful that we have this forum. Every time I feel really triggered or like I need to talk to others about these issues, I get a homecoming feeling, as though I need to go "back to my roots".

P.S. what I am hoping to study in the fall is a masters in sociology and gender studies: I want to look at how gender norms and expectations affect male survivors of child sexual abuse differently than women and/or how societal views of men affect the availability of resources for men and their feelings of empowerment to seek out resources. The other important research question I'd like to ask, is what methods and supports are most effective for men and for changing larger societal perceptions about male victimization. Essentially, I believe that men and women are affected the same way but where difficulties arise is how we are differently socialized and thus perceive ourselves and how we are perceived by the societies in which we live in.


Thanks for your inner work. Ur confident and have a curious
You are on the right path.
I have a long way to go , so I think I am standing behind you!

Warm wishes to you,
-others are waiting for you to inspire them
in reaching your goal.

Hey JayBro

I'm glad I took a look into this forum. I really thought it was dead.

I'm so glad that you are in a position where you can make a difference to so many lives. I see everything that you mention a real need to explore. I once asked my cousin the doctor how he ended up in oncology as opposed to pediatrics, he said that there seemed to be a need where many other doctors didn't want to go and he has whether directly or indirectly affected other lives of so many other people. So if you have the ability go where many other people are not so inclined to go then that will be a boost to the plight of many of us here and so many kids not here yet.

A career path is not a path to money but rather a path that where you think you can help people and most importantly the kids. You are in a special position to help so many kids, so many lives. There are not so many people that can hope to be in a position to help others especially kid.

I look back at my childhood and how I was not able to take advantage of the opportunities available. My childhood was not mine to control and my adult years passed with me just trying to hide my past. I was obsessed with hiding my childhood to the extent where my life was not mine. Once I started therapy after I fell apart in 2011 I know that I passed up the opportunity to help others. I say that I missed the opportunity because I have yet to get past my own shit, I'm afraid that it will never be.

I think that it's really beautiful that you came here to ask our opinion. I stand behind you 100%. You can make a difference.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope