What now? - would like replies from MSA survivors & WIVES

What now? - would like replies from MSA survivors & WIVES
M

MsM

New Registrant
What's sad is that I want help...but I'm just so numb now, that I almost don't know where to begin.

Just to give you a little background, my husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 5. We have one pre-teen son, who is not biologically my husband's, but he's raised him since just after he was born.

I guess our story started back in 1997. Back then, we used AOL and had a program that logged all of your IM conversations. One night, while looking for something that someone had told me, I stumbled upon a conversation of his where he told someone that he and another man had exchanged mutual hand jobs. I confronted him about it and he said he was curious, but that it was awful and he swore he would never do it again. Our relationship basically disintigrated and was non-existant for about 2-3 years, my life totally spun out of control (became anorexic, had multiple affairs, etc.)(Side note: my father also died of brain CA right after this happened). I only stayed because he was a paycheck to me (I'm not proud of that). However, somehow we put things back together and in the last 6.5 years, have had what I thought was the perfect marriage.

Sounds kind of funny saying that...but seriously, we literally never fight (only the very occasional bickering), we were so close that we could either finish each other's sentences or not say anything at all, because we knew what each other was already thinking. We were best friends. He has meant everything to me...and even more ironic, he was the one who taught me how to trust and give myself to someone completely.

Then, this past Saturday, my world shattered. I was in the bathroom, doing my thing, when I noticed his cell phone laying on the sink next to me. I honestly have no idea why I did it, but I picked it up and started going through it (I NEVER expected to find a thing). I found a text message to a number that I didn't recognize and initially ignored it, but then went back and read it....it said "thanks for yesterday, that was hot". After asking him 5 times, he finally told me the number belonged to a man who he first said "gave me a blow job".

We spent hours talking. I asked every gory question that you can possibly think of. Come to find out, that for the past 3+ years, he has been going to this adult book store that has booths....where he has given and rec'd. oral sex with men. Never any person twice, until this particular man, who he met there twice....and with him he had oral and anal sex (gave and rec'd. both). He swore to me that it was always safe sex and condoms were used and intact when done.

He states that over the years, there has been approximately 12 experiences. He said that he was disgusted during it, had a brief second of pleasure during climax and then had feelings of remorse, guilt, disgust, etc. for months after. He states he's even contemplated suicide many times. He said that he wanted to tell me so many times, but couldn't because he knew I'd leave him...and he says that I'm the only person who's loved him for him, that I have always meant EVERYTHING to him, but these were "compulsions" that he couldn't stop.

There was a lot of crying and honestly, I handled it better than I could have ever imagined I would have....but I knew we needed professional help and got us into a counselor a.s.a.p. on Monday. After the session, I actually felt like I had some hope. We had set some goals and we made promises to each other. I told him I wouldn't leave him (I can't throw away everything else we had...I KNOW he loves me more than anything, as I do him, and you just can't fake what we've had). Also, we agreed that if he ever felt the urge again, all he had to do was call me. I wouldn't get mad and would do my best to talk him through it. We had a fairly good next 24 hours (considering).

Then on Tuesday, we were both off from work. Midday, we decided to take a nap. When I woke up, my head was spinning with questions and I was becoming anxious as a result (I'm normally a VERY calm person). I woke him up and was asking about how he got together with the men and how things worked...including whether or not he had pre-purchased the condoms or if he ran out front to get one. It came out, that when he gave oral sex to another man, he never used a condom.

To say that I was livid is an understatement. How could he be so stupid? He said that he was selective and that it was usually another married men (because he felt more safe that way, since they were kinda in the same boat he was). I pointed out the fact that you can't tell if someone has a disease just by looking at him. I feel most betrayed because he's now put me at risk....how? why? I actually took a little comfort in the fact that he said he'd used condoms. He did state though, that he absolutely did use condoms during anal sex. That was the final straw...if I had divorce papers at that second, I would have signed them. He knew that was it for me. I stormed out of the bedroom.

I immediately came down to the computer and got onto the CDC website looking for the transmission rates of HIV from male/male oral sex. (Luckily, it seems relatively low, but I'm still a nervous wreck.) He eventually came downstairs and told me that there was still one thing that he had to tell me. That's when he told me that he'd been sexually abused/molested by three older cousins as a child. He's never told anyone...not even his parents because he didn't think they'd believe him. One of the cousins, my husband and he were raised like brothers because they literally lived next to each other.

That particular cousin is still very close and our sons play together! Also, my son has stayed at his house!! He said that he's always asked our son if the cousin's wife was there and what all happened. He says he doesn't think that anything has happened to our son and neither do I really...but I don't know for sure. I'll definately be calling tomorrow to get my son into counseling tomorrow (he was out of state visiting his birth-father when all this came out thankfully and just got home today).

Anyway, my husband literally had a breakdown. He ended up having to be hospitalized for two days. He says he feels a little better now that he's not holding this inside anymore...but has a LONG way to go yet.

I still plan to stay with him. In some strange way, knowing about his childhood kind of helps me to understand in some very small way. What I don't get is that, if it was so bad and he was so ashamed/disgusted and terrified that he'd lose me....why couldn't he just walk away? (the adult encounters, not from what happened as a child). He tells me that he felt like it gave him some control, even though it was always with another consentual male...but why want control over something that you don't necessarily like??

I don't even know what, exactly, I'm asking from all of you. Surely, I'm not alone, am I? Like another poster said, there's no place for the wives of these men (esp. the men who act out sexually) to turn. Even the SW at the hospital (who I graduated with...that was a little mortifying even though he was VERY professional) didn't know of any support groups for me.

I promised him one day at a time. But he feels so guilty about "ruining my life" and now he's worried about me because I'm still so numb, not sleeping, eating, etc. Which, in turn, makes me feel guilty because I'm trying to support him and get him through this...I don't want to put any additional stress on him. I don't think I could feel anything right now if I tried.

Well, thanks for listening and I appreciate any feedback that anyone could give me...especially if you've been in mine or my husband's shoes. I'm just trying to make sense of it all.

P.S. While he was in the hospital, they drew the blood work for all the STD testing and I also plan to have it done.
 
MsM,

First let me say that I'm so sorry this has happened in your life. SA is such a devastating thing to us guys. Messes up our entire life, and many times we don't even know it.

One thing to keep in mind is that the acting out, whether it be solo with porn/what have you, or whether it is with other men/women, is not about you. It's our attempt to recreate the trauma that's happened in our lives only this time to be the one in control. It's thinking that if we can somehow be in control, it will ease the pain, anger, devastation, but it never works. It just makes us hate ourselves all the more and we spiral down deeper and deeper.

In my mind, you are doing all the right things. Don't be afraid to be angry with him and require a certain level of behavior out of him. He needs to know that you love him, but that you expect to be respected.

Your husband's story sounds so familiar to so many of us. He needs to know and understand that he's not alone. A local Group Therapy would be a benefit to him at some point plus the counseling you've already started. Tell him about this place if you feel you should. Coming here and reading and interacting with the guys here could be so burden relieving to him. Give him a sense that he truly is not alone. It did for me.

There are other's here that can answer your questions better than I, but I just wanted to say that you've come to the right place.

Courage Sister,

Lots of love,

John
 
Hello MsM, What you and your husband are going through must be indescribably painful and I don't pretend to understand it all. My partner had the childhood from hell, being abused by his mother in unspeakable terms; this has affected all his relationships, without exception. He has a mountain to overcome before our relationship could be anything resembling 'normal' ..... but I love him in a way which is more than being 'in love'. How you describe your relationship with your husband sounds the same - the way you say that you knew what the other was thinking etc. I don't believe that love that strong goes away .... you're being tested to the extreme at the moment, but your husband is still the man you love and he needs you now more than ever. It took a huge amount of bravery for him to tell you about his childhood abuse and telling you was the first step in breaking the cycle of destructive behaviour he'd gotten into as an adult. Trust has been betrayed, but you obviously still love each other and have a life together. Just be there to support him, love him and listen to him.
 
MsM,

I would recommend that you consider a counselor for yourself, someone separate from your husband's so you can deal with YOUR issues and concerns.

Also, it sounds like you may be dealing with the symptoms of depression. There are ways of dealing with that.

Please know that this is a safe place, for both those of us who are survivors and our spouses.

Jeff
 
MsM,

You ask a very important question:

What I don't get is that, if it was so bad and he was so ashamed/disgusted and terrified that he'd lose me....why couldn't he just walk away? (the adult encounters, not from what happened as a child). He tells me that he felt like it gave him some control, even though it was always with another consentual male...but why want control over something that you don't necessarily like??
Click to expand...
The problem here is that you are asking the question from a logical point of view, and how a survivor feels is in so many ways not about logic at all. It's about a desperate emotional response to an overwhelmingly devastating experience.

The problem begins in childhood, when abuse often reduces the survivor to feelings of such worthlessness and defenselessness that he will do anything the abuser demands without question or resistance. He simply stops trying to deal with the hurricane of emotions in his head, accepts that everything is his own fault, and does what he is told to do. And when a boy is in this dark place there is nothing he won't do, as many guys here can tell you from their own experiences.

As an adult this devastation just continues, but in different ways. Though he may not acknowledge it or even sense it himself, the survivor's self-esteem is still very poor. He doesn't think he deserves a life better than what abuse gave him, and he doesn't realize that as an adult he is NOT trapped and defenseless any longer. He thinks that what happened to him was somehow because of HIM: he wanted it, he attracted abuse, he liked it, he never told, he never tried to get away, and on and on. He feels he is somehow "doomed" to living like this.

As the emotional resources he would otherwise have available to deal with these feelings were wrecked years ago, he quickly falls into the terrible trap that John described in his reply to you. As there seems to be no way out of all this, he clings to the idea that he will somehow feel better if he is at least in control of it. But of course this is just an illusion. He may be "in control" in the sense that he is the one who seeks out and initiates contacts, but after an episode he will be overwhelmed with guilt and remorse and the cycle will just begin all over again.

The comment you got about this NOT being about you is crucial. A survivor acting out - whether in this way, with porn, with alcohol, drugs or whatever - won't be particularly open to logical arguments at the time. If he pauses to consider that he could lose his wife, family, everything, he will figure this fate isn't less than he deserves. It's only later, after the fact, that he really reflects on what's happening and appreciates what he's doing. But that will just flood him with grief and guilt and the cycle starts all over again.

You already have some great comments from others, and I will just add that one thing that would help you would be to separate your own issues from his. Your love and support will be crucial to his recovery, but ultimately it's him who has to want his own life back and be willing to do the hard work, take therapy seriously, and so on. You can support him, but you can't "do" it for him or make sure that he does. It has to be something he wants bad enough to fight for.

I can see all this has hurt you desperately, and you say you have your own issues to work on. Be sure you give the necessary attention to YOU! See what's going on in your own life that might not have to do directly with your relationship with him, and deal with those problems. In your relationship, give some thought to what YOU need, what YOU want, and what is essential for YOUR happiness.

A survivor is often in such emotional turmoil that he will not see these things, however obvious they may seem to you. Don't hesitate to tell him what you want and what you need, and how you feel. He needs to know all this, and while it may not all be what he wants to hear, he will appreciate your honesty.

Honesty is in fact the key here, I think. You both seem to be willing to speak frankly with the other, and that will be a great advantage in facing the problems you have.

Much love,
Larry
 
First off....let me say thank you to all of you. I'm really glad that I found this site, even though at times, it caused as much pain to read it as it did comfort.

By reading some of your stories and replies, it's helped me understand a little more....if nothing else than the fact that because of the childhood trauma, he didn't have as much control as I thought he did (as an adult).

So...since he's been out of the hospital, it's been extremely stressful. I felt so isolated and like I was having to walk on eggshells. He, of course, was very worried about me and knew that I was holding it all in for his sake. But everytime I asked a question, he couldn't handle it and would either shut down, get angry, etc.

I finally asked him how he expected me to be able to move forward and deal myself, when I didn't have the information that I needed to do that. (perhaps it was selfish, but I too was consumed) So...I thought he was gonna go off the deep end and break down completely again, but instead, he started writing.

He wrote some questions like "how do I/we go on from here", "what will this do to my family" (he still hasn't told any family, including parents), etc. Then he wrote everything he could remember about the abuse from his cousins. He says it's difficult for him to remember all of it, since he's been trying to repress it for so many years, but the several situations he could describe, were awful and made my stomach churn...I wanted to vomit. This wonderful man that I love (nor any of you) should have NEVER had to endure these disgusting things. It made me SO angry...and as if it wasn't bad enough for me to sit by one of his predators at a family function last night (I refused to let my husband sit by him).

I've read that this causes so many of you to question your sexuality...and I'll be really honest...I was ABSOLUTELY CONSUMED by the question of his sexuality, that I almost couldn't function. I didn't know how I could live with him if he decided he was bisexual. It's not that I have ANY problem with men who are gay (in fact, I'm a HUGE supporter of gay rights), but when it's your husband, it's an entirely different beast. I knew he wasn't homosexual, but bi had still been an issue. I didn't even know if he found me sexually attractive anymore. I didn't know if he enjoyed the oral/anal sex while it was happening. I actually sat and wrote down 16 questions that only had to do with his sexuality.

After I read all that stuff last night, he told me that I may as well ask my questions that I had (he didn't know the nature of them) because he already felt like he was ripped open. I asked and I can't believe how much better I feel. He says he's sexually attracted to me. We discussed the men and sex thing and he even said that he "didn't want to sound like a broken record", but he honestly felt that it was a need for control, not sexual desire. He wanted the men to want him, therefore he controlled it...like even when he was giving oral sex, he said he felt in control because he could stop at any time, and they would still want it.

He says that he can look at a man and find him attractive and wonder what it would feel like if his own body were that lean, muscular, etc., but doesn't feel that he wants to have any kind of sexual contact with them. And, not to make light of that, but hell, I do that all the time when I look at women in magazines!

He definately still has a long way to go...but I think I can actually start to see the light at the end of the tunnel for us. I think he may be planning on telling his parents within the next day or so and just a little bit ago, he told someone else (besides me and the professionals at the hospital), he was able to tell his best friend. He said he told her everything. And I have to say too, that that was a big step for me too. I've been terrified to let him out of my site for over a week now, and I was able to leave him with her after we all went to lunch, so they could talk. Admittedly, it's caused anxiety for me, but I have to learn to start trusting him again sometime, right???

He's said that, in some ways, it's been freeing for him to tell some people...because it "doesen't own him anymore". He even plans to talk to another cousin, who accused one of my husband's predators, of sexually abusing him too for years. Unfortunately, the majority of my husband's family didn't believe him because he was drinking and doing drugs at the time (now I know why) and now they've basically exiled him (except for his mother). I have to say....I've always somehow knew in my heart that he wasn't lying though, he was always such a sweet kid.

I'm not as afraid that his family won't believe him, because my husband has been a good, stand-up kind of man, who's college educated and who's never been in any kind of trouble with the law, drugs, alcohol, etc., but I worry what it will do to the family itself and especially what his dad will do to the one cousin who's still close (involved with family regularly and is basically his dad's neighbor).

I know we're going to have good days and bad days, but I finally believe again that we can survive this together.

I have told my husband about this site and he plans to sign up. I think it will be good for him so that he can talk with other survivors and maybe you can help him learn to deal with some of the confusion and pain.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. I'll keep you updated.
 
MsM,

I once was married to a very wonderful lady who I loved so much. She was the first person I felt safe enough with to tell about my abuse. I told her because I loved her and knew that my CSA was holding me back from having a truly intimate relationship. It opened a Pandora's box of problems as everything started coming back to me and I was out of control.

My acting out hurt her badly. It's hard to explain how you feel so overwhelmed to act out, compelled to do it yet knowing it is not right but just trying to make sense of your life. And feeling the tremendous guilt and shame after.

I've become a much better person since then and would probably be a much better husband. She wouldn't know this though as she moved on without me. I still wish her the best.

I know that it is possible to really love someone yet do stupid things that hurt her. I believe your husband loves you.

Take care of yourself and try to hang in there.

Aloha, Sunny
 
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