What makes me such an ass all the time?

Sup folks,
I was just wondering. Is it normal to have like extreme up and downs. I mean just the other day i felt like shit run over twice and today i feel like a million bucks. I either feel real crappy or real good. I dunno. I hate it you know. lately though i have had alot of bad dreams but they stopped after this past wednsday. I mean I was whining like a baby about how sucky my life was going and then all of a sudden I thought to myself. Why they hell do i worry all the time? Why do I recount events in my life over and over and fucking over again?? I once heard that insanity is "Engaging in the same activity over and over again and expecting a different result each time". that makes sense doesn't it?? I mean I sit here and go through the same motions but it gets me nowhere. I need to break outta this stupid mold i have myself encased in. (oh ya sorry about that guys i space out alot. shit hey my boyfriend just told me work is over. so i gotta jet talk to you all tommorrow.
p.s. did i mention i was gay? (so i think)

 

Auggie,

"Is it normal to have ups and downs?" you ask.... Hmmm. I dunno, but I can tell you that I don't ever think I've had a "normal" day in my life!

I think that those of us who have been sexually abused have a really difficult time trying to figure out who we are and where our place is in the grand scheme of things. From my perspective, not feeling normal is my reality!

It sounds to me as though you have some pretty good insights about the need to do things differently than you have been doing them. Do you have some help (a therapist or counselor) and/or a good support system for yourself? Occasionally, a really good friend who is also in recovery can be a helpful by stopping us when we start the self-bashing or when we go into unproductive repeat patterns. As I'm sure you know, we need help initially in order to practice giving ourselves the appropriate messages and to eliminate the negative, self-destructive messages.

And, of course, this forum can be immensely helpful.....at least that has been my experience.

Glad we caught you on a really "up" day. Stay with us and maybe there'll be more of those! We're with you, my friend.

Dynamite Don

 

Yes, it's normal for us to have ups and downs--especially given what we've gone through. But from my experience and the sound of your post, it sounds like these ups and downs get in the way of leading a regular, fulfilling life.

In a book called "Getting Through the Day" by Nancy J. Napier, she points out that sometimes we have these inner-child "parts" that come out and kind of take over. It's not our fault, but it makes life feel it's kind of out of our control.

For me, it was too much to keep going through these swings and I asked my doctor therapist for something to help in the way of medication. She put me on Celexa and Haldol. Since I'm HIV+ and on other medications, I won't give doses since my non-psychotherapeutic meds increase the others significantly.

These meds really help me. As my regular therapist said, they help to "reduce my emotional temperature."

I remember you saying you were gay. Me too. My partner, Doug, is very supportive. He helps keep me focused. Does your partner know what you are going through, or do you keep all of this a secret and have a battle going on inside?

The nightmares really suck, but they make perfect sense to me. Sounds like things are trying to break through. I usually have wild swings when I start to have nightmares or flashbacks. Be gentle with yourself. Maybe try to step back from it all in your mind and soothe the hurt like you are a hero coming in to save this boy who is wounded--give yourself a big mind hug.

I wish you the very best. So sorry to hear that you have to go through all of this. It truly sucks; I do know how you feel.

Peace,
Scotty

 

Scotty,

What a great description...

they help to "reduce my emotional temperature.

This is one I'm going to remember.

Don