What kept you from telling?

[fusionoflove]

I guess I didn't tell for one reason. I didn't look at as rape. I was so wrecked on drugs and alcohol that I assumed that I wanted it. Of course this brought on other problems. I think that another possible reason I didn't tell was that I didn't want to viewed as gay. It's going to sound crazy, but it wasn't me that pointed out what happened to me was rape, it was a friend. For the first time, everything made sense. When she asked me if I was raped, I said yes. I didn't even hesitate. For over a year, I had been drinking and drugging myself to death. Honestly, I think I was trying to slowly kill myself and I had no real idea why. I had all the symptoms of a rape victim. I guess what it is, is that a man is supposed to be control at all times, but sometimes we're not.

Hopefully that helps,
Fusion

 

[Bryan]

The long version of my story is my lengthy first post *Confrontation=Secondary wounds, Forgiveness*. Generally, as 3rd consecutive son to a ballerina heavily mandating a female protege as price for protection, mom had a nervous breakdown when I was 4 and spent the remainder of childhood literally walking away while I was being physically abused saying *I will not play referee, I will not play referee, I will not....* and later saying (in front of bro/abuser) *you only ask for IT sometimes* in reply to my *Literally Asking* for her/Dad to stop him.

For bigger brother, escalation throughout my childhood was habit with impunity and even sanction, all he had to do was say *he was asking for it* and Mom would agree and Old School Dad would say *I remember my brother used to bruise me, until I outgrew him...*. My brother:s eventual, poking and threatening forced-fellatio was not anything extraordinary to bigger bro; it was just another in a growing arsenal of degradations that I was *asking for*.

Therefore when I told him he:s a sicko and that I was going to tell Mom and Dad, he was quite correct in saying *Go ahead; they:ll only blame you like they do with everything else!*. Given that my family still has refused to read a book on Sexual Abuse for 4 years standing, it:s easy to see he was right - me telling them would have only meant he would carry out his threat and get away with it *like ...everything else*. I chose Silence over getting told by parents *You only ask for Cum in your mouth sometimes*.

In a way this was my biggest confusion at recognizing this as Sexual Abuse thru the years; this was all non-sexual (to the bro/Perp), but to me pinned to the ground, getting poked analy with his finger and him putting privates next to my mouth, I could only attribute these as *Extended Melvin* (where you pull pants up the butt) and *[No Name Attributed]*, respectively (I had no madeup word for the fellatio threat). Only finding myself screaming at a girl on a TV rape show did I realize *...oh shit, this show is about Rape* and finally have a word that attributed what I felt happened to me. Using Ainscough and Toon:s book *Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse* as a template for all the reasons *Why didn:t I tell*:

1. Whom to tell?
- Parents ill (although Ma still taught dance!)
- No trustworthy adult around
- Caregivers do not listen, involved with own problems
- Frightened (dad once kicked me for *tattling*)

2. What to Say?
Child too embarrassed and ashamed to say what happened.

3. Fears about consequences of telling
(a) Threats from Abuser
- Threatened or actual physical violence to child
(b) Fears concerning other people:s reactions (ALL of these!)
- No one will believe child
- Mother will feel guilty
- Family will be hurt
- Mother/father will be upset
- Mother will reject child
- Other people will think child is to blame
- Other will think child is dirty, contaminated or disgusting
- Child will be rejected and abuser supported.
(c) Fear for the Abuser [nope, NONE here]
(d) Fears that telling won:t help (ALL again)
- Nothing will change
- No one can stop it
- Events will go out of control
- Fear of the unknown
- It might get worse
- Abuser is too powerful and can:t be stopped.

4. The child:s confusion: Feelings and thoughts that prevent children from telling include:
- Fellings of guilt, shame and embarrassment
- Thinking the abuse is normal
- Believing s/he is the only one this has ever happened to
- Feeling dirty, contaminated, polluted
trapped by the secrecy
- Feelings s/he is being punished and deserves it
- Hoping the abuse won:t happen again

This book I found very helpful for these types of lists that validate alot of feelings; hope this helps more than hurts!

 

[BinMichigan]

I kept quiet for a couple of reasons:

1. my step-father (perp 1) - very active in church, outstanding member of the community. No one would have beleived me!

2. My Grandfather (Perp 2) - Ex pastor that founded the church that we attended. Again I would have no chance.

3. Shame: They both made me beleive that there was something wrong with me and they would tell everyone that I was gay. (Iam not)

4. Protect my mother: She was hurt very badly in her first relationship, she was the only one that I could trust and loved me unconditionally. I could not bear to hurt her like that.

5. Until I was older I did not know what was happening was wrong. Ever snce I can remember I was abused and it was not until my early teens that I understood what was really going on.

 

[brokentoys]

I've been thinking about this one for some time now. I guess the thing is that at home I was my father's punching bag whenever he got drunk (everyday) and then sometimes my grandfather would take me away from that. There were a couple of things going on here, first, I had no reference to what a normal relationship between two males should be, secondly, he was my elder and I was never supposed to question my elders. I guess it just didn't seem like such a big deal to get molested a little bit when staying at home meant getting the crap kicked out of me. By the time I was old enough to know what was going on (this happened between the ages of 4 and 8 or 9) and that it was wrong, between the shame, lack of anyone to talk to (my father? please!), and just being withdrawn and living in my own made up world, I just never got around to it. When I became and adult I have really not wanted to say anything because of the various stigmas attached. I figured people would think I was gay or that I was out molesting children since I was a victim, or other unimaginable things. So I buried it all as deep as i could. Now I am at a place in my life where I think I am capable of dealing with it.
BT

 

[reality2k4]

Don't know whether I am repeating myself, but I did tell, and it was treated so trivially by authority, that I had no confidence left.

I think as a child, we have a different mind set, we protect so much, those we love, and don't want to be thought of instigating, what happened.

As a child, we think, OK., if he is caught, he will just blame me for wanting it, adults always win, they know the score, I'm only the kid, they won't believe me, somehow I am guilty, even when forced to do things no kid should ever know about.

But kids don't think that way, they are left to think and meander about the million and one things that may come out of telling, they are trying to protect themselves and their families, believe me, to an 11yr old, I ran so many thoughts through my mind, they all came to one thing, after burning my mind inside out, and just wanting to be "out", you win thing.

Thinking about it, a kid should be thinking of playing, not hiding from some beast, he is stronger, he will come and get you, this is what the imagination of a young boy holds in such an attack.

You just want an end to the monsters in your mind, visiting you every night, through nightmares and terror, afraid to even move in your bed for fear of the beast returning.

You just want an end point to put on the terror, you can't because he is never caught, you live your life in fear of him hunting you down, you fear the police will believe him, not you, what that would do, is indescribable, but it all goes through a kids mind.

I thought? If he does get caught, they will believe him, if I went to court, they will believe him, why? Because my mind is so f**cked up, if he turned it around on me, I would not survive the onslaught, of the guilt I already had, being used to make me look guilty. Think of "IMPRESSION OF GUILT"

Think of all the other "impressions", when they are bestowed on such a young mind, a mind that is so immature, a mind that knows the horrendous things done in the act, but still never does know the adult view, nor will he ever until he reaches adulthood, because he is so vulnerable, and he will be until he can really understand.

There really is so much to be said in this topic, maybe, we could have a topic entitled, what effect did it have on not telling?

I still live with it, have to, have no choice, but I have been there, know the score, wonder why my life is full of crap, but I also wonder. Who could bestow so much mental damage on a kid, and would they, if they knew, probably, because they don't give a shit.

 

[EGL]

Originally posted by reality2k4:
There really is so much to be said in this topic, maybe, we could have a topic entitled, what effect did it have on not telling?

I agree. I think Ken could fill a whole book on this topic alone (keeping the secret), along with the effects it had on those who kept the secret or told and were rebuffed for doing so. There's so much to this.

 

[daniel_]

Originally posted by Ken Singer, LCSW:
I'm working on a book for survivors. One of the potential chapters is about how abusers kept the victim silent. I'd appreciate hearing what kept you from telling about the abuse.

Thanks,
Ken

In my case there were never any threats or such. I knew it was secret stuff. But primarily I was in a family situation where nothing real was ever discussed. You kept your feelings to yourself. I had a bigger feeling that I didnt really matter, and my miserable life, including abuse, was just my due. I guess I didnt think there was anything going on that wasnt supposed to be happening to me.

 

[daniel_]

Originally posted by brokentoys:
I had no reference to what a normal relationship between two males should be,

By the time I was old enough to know what was going on and that it was wrong, between the shame, lack of anyone to talk to ... and just being withdrawn and living in my own made up world, I just never got around to it.

Now I am at a place in my life where I think I am capable of dealing with it.
BT

Thanks. It's so helpful hearing others who have had my experience.