What kept you from telling?

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What kept you from telling?
I didn't tell anyone because my brother said we would get into trouble. I was eight years old when it ended. He was 15 1/2 years old. Big developmental spread there. I guess that's why I didn't tell. Hard to remember. There other part must've been something like,"it's our secret." I never did tell anyone until I was 19 yrs. old and told a Catholic priest. He seduced and abused me too.
 
I didn't tell primarily because I didn't know to. I didn't really understand what was happeneing and that it was as bad as it was. I knew I didn't like it, but life was full of things I didn't like.

More rencely I've come to the relization that I was desperately lacking any kind of older male affection and therefore was especially unlikely to say anything that could get the only person who had (to my mind) given me any in trouble.

And once I did realize the enormity of what had happened (around 16 or so) I was basically too ashamed and frigtenend of what people would think of me. They would think me weak which was something I simply wouldn't allow myself to be seen as.

I don't know if this has been particularly clear, but I hope that it helps.

-Eric
 
Ken,

This is a postscript to what I said earlier. truly, I think I understand the WHY of your question, but it got the anger kicked up again, and I have to add this one thing. Granted it's in anger, but....what the f**k does it matter, why I kept it a secret? He was the adult, he supposedly knew what was okay and what wasn't, he was the one in authority. What chance in Hell does a child, a teenager, anyone in a position to be taken advantage of, have against something like that?

Why did I keep it a secret? What choice did I have? None. THAT'S why I kept it a secret. And I think I speak for a lot of people.

The question is necessary, but the question is dangerous. It's like subtly putting the blame on the victim AGAIN. I know you didn't mean it that way, but damn it, that's what I've been walking around with all day.

:mad: :(

Scot
 
Ken, I told no one for several reasons:

I was always beaten badly and choked. He told me he would kill me, how he would do it and why everyone would think I died from accidental drowning. I believed every word of that.

I was filled with shame. I truly thought that no other boy had been sodomized and I sure would not let anybody know I had.

I did not think that what he did was a crime, so I had no reason to tell anyone.

He was a guy I admired and he was a super good friend when he was not in one of his crappy moods. I felt I needed him. I just could not understand why he got so angry with me. What had I done?

He told me I had caused him to do it because I "flashed my butt" all over town. I did believe that I did something that caused him to harm me--it was my fault.

Bob
 
Ken I did tell at the age of 11yo when I was raped by Father Ryan. My 5th grade nun asked me why I was no longer an altar boy and I told her what Father had done to me.

"You have to tell Tom to keep it from happening to the other boys" she said,So I told.

That when the mental rape of me begin.I was told that if I went to the police all the boys and girls would know what Father Ryan did to me. They said they beleived me but I should let the church board deal with this matter. In Aug of 1961 I sat before a group of church people and told them what Father Ryan did and they told me my story was unbelevable. They never questioned the other altar boy and would not let me in the room when Father R was questioned. I trusted these people but they just raped me again.

3years later when my English teacher raped me I didn't tell because I knew no one would do anything to help me. Tom
 
I wanted to just mention that what Scot says really resonates with me, too. The first time a therapist asked me why I didn't tell, I got really angry and it created a barrier in our communications. While all he said was, why didn't you tell, what I heard was a judgment. I took from him an implied: You should have been able to tell unless you were weak or, if you didn't tell there must be some reason, such as you wanted the abuse to continue.

I know these aren't implied in your question (nor were they implied in his). And perhaps his intent was to make me confront that part of me that was judging myself. The negative voices were, after all, my own. And I hope your book can serve to help caring people finds better ways to intervene and prevent continuing abuse.

Anyway, I hope I'm not taking this too far off your topic, but I thought I'd add my two cents on this in case you wanted to cover that aspect of this in your book. It's been 27 years since my abuse stopped, and this question can still provoke a lot of anger.
 
At first, he tell me he will make sure I am taken away from my mom, and put in orphanage. He know I feel like I make my father leave us, because I am bad. Later, when that don't work on me any more, he threaten that he will hurt my mom if I tell anyone. I believed him. He tell me what he will do to hurt me, and he do it. He give me reason to believe he will do those things.

leosha
 
I got abandoned when I was born. My father was sick and so they made her choose seeing him over me is what I was told by my parents. It was because whatever he had was contagious. So my first few days or weeks (however long it was) was spent with nurses and hospital staff instead of my mother. I grew up being afraid that I was going to be separated from my mom.

So when my dad or brother would threaten me with breaking the family up or splitting it up because I told, there was no way I could do this. I always was afraid that if I did the slightest thing wrong, the family would split up and it would be my fault. Than I would once again be abandoned.

Another thing was you got the silent treatment in my family if you had done something to upset my father. It didn't have to be anything of major significance as it could have been he was upset about his day, and you just happened to be standing there at the wrong time. The silent treatment included people talking about you in front of you or behind your back while whatever you said was not listened too or heard. It was like you were there but you didn't exist in their current world. The silent treatment was of course honored by all members of the family because if you didn't give said member the silent treatment, you would then be an outcast at that given moment. The silent treatment would last until some act of god would take place and lift the sentance. Or the silent treatment was lifted on you when someone else did something to earn it more so then you did.

Another thing (probably could go on an on here). My father threatened all of us that if anyone ever turned him in he would beat the shit out of us. Ok, he had demonstrated that enough times to us for it to be very powerful. No one dared to cross him because he was so violent (especially early on in my life as a young kid).

Then there is God and how religion got brought into it. We as kids were told time and time again that we were supposed to be seen and not heard. If we visited someone and they offered us something like a glass of water, we were taught to refuse it. They had to force it at us. But as kids we were supposed to honor our father and mother and not do anything and I mean anything that questioned them. Not only would that bring immediate and harsh punishment, but it meant that the people in church would hear about it as well. And of course than the humiliation and shame really played a major role.

But growing up in a fk'd up house like mine, I didn't know what a world was like outside of what I was experiencing. I learned early in my life that I couldn't trust those that I should have been able to trust or depend on and so in my mind, why was anyone else out there going to treat me any different. I figured there was no one I could trust and so that only person that I relied upon was myself.

Fukc, no wonder I ever told!

Don
 
old tapes
 
He fed me the crap that they feed to us all - I believed it for far too long!

Rik
 
I tried to tell several times, but my mother wouldn't listen during the first years. Over time I became convinced that if she did believe me, she would run away and leave the family without her. From a vantage point 37 years later I still believe that to be an accurate assesment.
 
I do not post here so much. And I do not know I like this question, but something of it make me feel I need answer it.

What keep me from telling? What make it that they must do something to keep me from teling? How I can tell of it? What is disgusting, what is gross, what make me feel I am bad, I am evil, I am not human? Why they would have to do anything to make me not tell it?

Three them, they do different things make me not to tell. Threat, physical violence to me, inplying that my family know and don't care. I was child away of home, with no one there with me, and was scare of it all.

But other one, he never threat me, he never is bad or mean to me. He tell me he love me. I have nothing to fear of him. So why I not tell of him?

I don't know. :(

andrei
 
I was going to make a new post, then I realized that what I have to say actually belongs here.

Pity
Pity is one reason why. I hate pity. I can't stand it. It is degrading; to me, and to the people who do it. I am a very social person and I was working with the public when my brother died accidentally. For many years after my brother died, I constantly had people coming up to me expressing their sympathy. I know that most, if not all, of them meant well. I cannot tell you how many times I actually encountered pity. It was a countless number of times. It was overbearing. What I found even more unbelieveable was the number of women who were literally throwing themselves at me because of it. I never really did, and still don't mind talking about my brother, or his death. It truly doesn't bother me at all. I have had to not do it because of the pity. I only talk about it now when someone else brings it up, or when I feel that it can add something important to a conversation. Now, there are people who have literally known me for years that don't even know that I had a brother.

Also, my perp knew many of the same people that I knew. When I tried to talk with them, many of them would say that they didn't want to get into the middle of anything. With some other stuff, I can remember not telling about things as a child because of the peer pressure about being a "tattle tale" and parents and other adults actually getting tired of being told about things so that they would literally tell us to be quiet and that they didn't want to hear it.
 
My brother molested me and I figured my father would probably beat me if I told him about it (he didn't like to get bad news).
 
I didn't tell because it felt good and so I beleive it was my fault and inside I have a fear I must be Gay.
 
Ken,
I'd have to say ignorance kept me quiet. I was very young when it started, perhaps 4. It was not violent back then. I accepted it like U'd accept snow in Winter. And I actually thought ALL Dads did this to their boys. I dont know if he planted that thought, or I came up with. As the sex became violent, I was really, really scared of him. I didn't dare complain. The thought of telling someone NEVER crossed my mind until my mid teens. I did make one attempt to tell my brother when I was 16. But it back-fired. He wouldn't believe the physical abuse, so I new he wouldn't believe the Sexual Abuse. It was a very ugly experience that sealed the thoughts of disclosure for another 15 years.
Blacken
 
The first incident of SA from my mother had her cutting her wrists in front of me to show me that she would hurt herself if I told anyone about what was happening. Then, she would continue to replay that scene after each experience.
 
Ken -

My female cousin (5+ yrs older) sexually abused me when I was 5 yo. My mom asked me what was happening upstairs. I told her. She never said it was wrong; didn't get angry; I thought it was okay because she said and disd nothing.

My male cousin sexually abused me and in the morning I told my mom. She called me ugly names, beat me with a cat-o-nine tails. I shut up and didn't tell her ever again.

My male cousin continued for another 2 yrs. and I told my dad. He threatened to send me away where I'd never see my family again. Then, he beat me with a cat-o-nine tails too. Again, the shame from my parents and the welts on my body were worse than the "pleasure" I had being sexual with others. I never told again. The abuse continued until I was 13 yo and he was 16.


Howard
 
Ken -

I didn't tell anyone because I was ashamed. I was so desperate for the attention of a strong male in my life. He befriended me...so I thought. He gave me the physical and emotional attention I had been craving as a 12 year old. I was willing to do anything to keep his attention and affection. I didn't realize the cost nor how dirty I would feel at the end. That was my first lesson in relationships...I still struggle with what that taught me.

Dale II
 
Ken,

Fear of being punished for 'doing something naughty'. Shame.

Whicker
 
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