What I've Learned in a Year...

What I've Learned in a Year...
S

survive75

Registrant
It's been just over a year since I found this place. When I first found MS, I was struggling desperately with some painful memories, flashbacks, and symptoms. Of course, it did get worse before it got better. This past year has been filled with more trauma and turmoil and recall and pain, and yet... I am here today. I am alive. I am surviving. And I have learned more about myself, my abuse, and what it means to survive that I ever could have imagined.

At MS, I have learned that I can admit to the deepest feelings of shame I have and no one will run the other way screaming. I have learned that I can struggle with drinking, suicidal feelings, and staying in therapy and no one will see it as failure if I slip. I have learned that talking about what happened to me helps not only myself but others in feeling not so alone. I have learned that I am not a "pussy" or "faggot" for crying when things get too tough to handle.

I have learned that my abuse was a very big deal. When I first came here, I was still passing it off as "my stepfather did some stuff to me." I can face some of what he did now. I have learned to relinquish the secret. I have learned to talk about the secrets and dark thoughts that I have kept inside since I was four. I have learned that no matter what I have for symptoms, fears, thoughts, flashbacks, setbacks, feelings... that there is always someone here willing to say, "Hey, me too..."

Thank you to everyone here. I cannot repay you for helping me through the past year. I hope that I have been there for those who needed to lean on someone as well. I have tried to be anyway. This is truly an amazing place. I could never have imagined the kind of true support and honesty I would find here when I stumbled upon the site last September.
 
Sean - you're right about the support here. I wish I had a video of myself from last December because I would find it very difficult to recognise myself as I was then.

It's good that we gain support from each other, also that it has given some of us the strength to help others that we could not have helped in the past.

Last Thursday, I actually read my horoscope in the daily paper (don't normally, but had read most of the ink off it) - it said that my whole life experience would gain greater meaning that day (that nearly made me bolt all the doors & stay inside).

I went to work where I am a Shift Supervisor - one of the Staff telephoned at shift start & needed to see me but didn't want to come into the work area. I met this individual in one of the meeting rooms. What a state She was in (yes a woman asking a man for support)- her issues were very similar to those that I faced last December. She was shocked when I told her why I probably could help her...gave her several pointers to how she could make things better in her life. I know that I have genuinely made a difference - I don't know that I could have even handled the situation before I came here.

So you see the support that we give each other here has much wider benefits.

I first got strength when I stumbled on this site & simply read what is typed here (there are probably many people doing that now & wondering if they dare actually type something themselves). It took a bit of nerve to post for the first time, but that was one of the best things I ever did.

Let's hope that those who are now visiting & trying to find the strength to post here do so - I have never regretted taking that first step.

Wishing you continued progress Sean for the next year & every year after that (and to everyone else) - we all deserve better.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Sean - you're right about the support here. I wish I had a video of myself from last December because I would find it very difficult to recognise myself as I was then.

It's good that we gain support from each other, also that it has given some of us the strength to help others that we could not have helped in the past.

Last Thursday, I actually read my horoscope in the daily paper (don't normally, but had read most of the ink off it) - it said that my whole life experience would gain greater meaning that day (that nearly made me bolt all the doors & stay inside).

I went to work where I am a Shift Supervisor - one of the Staff telephoned at shift start & needed to see me but didn't want to come into the work area. I met this individual in one of the meeting rooms. What a state She was in (yes a woman asking a man for support)- her issues were very similar to those that I faced last December. She was shocked when I told her why I probably could help her...gave her several pointers to how she could make things better in her life. I know that I have genuinely made a difference - I don't know that I could have even handled the situation before I came here.

So you see the support that we give each other here has much wider benefits.

I first got strength when I stumbled on this site & simply read what is typed here (there are probably many people doing that now & wondering if they dare actually type something themselves). It took a bit of nerve to post for the first time, but that was one of the best things I ever did.

Let's hope that those who are now visiting & trying to find the strength to post here do so - I have never regretted taking that first step.

Wishing you continued progress Sean for the next year & every year after that (and to everyone else) - we all deserve better.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I was searching the data about abuse on the Internet and was feeling pretty lost.
After few months of searching I found this site. The day after I couldnt remember the name of the web pages and I already cleaned all data from the browser.
I felt so desperate!
But I found it again few days after and here I am, feeling like I came to home after many years. I am feeling finally safe.

The most incredible thing is people here an their support. It is cliche but you did change my life for better and I am great full to everyone.
For the first time in my life I am able to speak openly about my problems and I am so excited how big relief is that.
Thank you all good men. It is privilege to know you as well as to be part of this site.

Ivo
 
Ivo,

I am too, glad you found your way back here, you where so alone with your problems,and you found someone to share them with.

The problems are so immense, when you think you are the only kid on the planet with the problem, it is so much easier to share this heavy burden.

It is so much good, that we share our burden, so that can see they where not alone in the thoughts that we go through.

Just knowing, that I really am not as mad as I thought, and blaming the one's who put it there, is a great help.

Take care,

ste
 
I found this site just over three years ago. And as it has been stated already, I would not have recognized myself looking back. If there had been a "Mr. Angry Universe" contest back then, I would have won.

It was so difficult to Post. Even though I had read the posts of others, & saw that I was not alone, I was afraid to post.

As it turns out, I am more comfortable here then with any other support I have tried, i.e. counseling...

Counseling was needed & I would not have survived without it, but I sure as Hell don't want to do that again.

It is really amazing when I think about it, but I can discuss topics here & in chat that would send people "running & screaming" as survive75 said, in any other context.
Where else can you be around just other guys & say, "I was raped by my Dad when I was 8 yrs old", And have people validate, console, listen, believe & offer all positive support, in stead of trying to leave, ignore, condemn, blame & hate you, the victim, just for being the victim.

This is a unique & special site.

Blacken
 
Sean, Rik, Ivo, ste and Blacken,

Thank you, Sean, for starting such an important thread. Coming here, finding this place, having people here that understand. Amazing, truly amazing.
I remember that night when I found this place. I couldn't believe what I was reading. And, read I did. It took me all of 15 minutes to decide that I'd found a home for my wounded self.
Dave and Mikey and TallSteve and Woz and ..., well, the list goes of those to first greet me.
I was talking to men who understood...it was a contradiction in terms...understanding men. It
was a paradox to have guys respond with concern and love rather than sarcasm and put downs.
And, yes, I've left some of the rage behind.
The dreams can still be disturbing and I'm left with some depression, but the fantasies and thoughts of how terrible I am, have lessened.
I'm not the man that I'm becoming, but I'm not the man that I was.

David
 
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