what it felt like

[traveler]

This is what it felt like.

I am going through a very rough patch. It has been gradually building and the past couple of weeks have been nearly unbearable. It began with a vague, nagging feeling of uneasiness. That increased and intensified to stronger but intermittent waves of anxiety. Now it is a pervasive enveloping sense of near panic. I am able to hold it together enough and put on a stoic front in order to get through the day. But after I reach the safe refuge of solitude, I am exhausted and nearly useless.

I have difficulty remembering things. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words and easily and often lose my train of thought. I become extremely frustrated and upset by even little things. My appetite, digestion, sleep, breathing, heartrate, blood pressure, attention span, and ability to carry on a conversation or complete a task are all adversely affected. It is like being in the clutch of appalling fear and dread.

And I realize - this is what it felt like while I was being abused and bullied. This is what I went through every day during sixth and seventh grades. I can’t believe I survived two years of this agony. No wonder I repressed the memories as soon as I was removed from the circumstances that had created that torture.

Now I know that soon I will be released again. By the end of May I will have quit this job and be able to move on. I will be glad to be free. But I can’t help feeling like “they” won when they can still make me feel this way after all these years and at a distance of half a world away.

Lee

 

[Nothing Man]

(((Lee)))

I am so sorry you are going through such a rough spot right now. I can completely identify with you as I am in the same predicament right now. Reading between the lines, it appears you are having problems with your job and I am sorry to hear that. I hope you have someone to talk to and support you as you go through this. Please know you are not alone.

The ghosts of our pasts always seem to intrude upon our present and even our future. Their unwelcome memories are triggered by current day happenings and the best way, it seems to me, to handle them is to breathe and be present. Talk to someone, a spouse or counselor or trusted co-worker. Remember that you are not alone and that you have much support, more than you realize. I am certainly in your corner.

Mike

 

[woodenshoes]

Lee

I cam relate to what you have said. Be strong brother you get through this. It will pass as the sun comes up everyday. Let it out we are here to support.

(((((((lee)))))))

Ws

 

[KMCINVA]

Lee

I am sorry for your pain. People can be insensitive and cruel. No one should be made to feel the emotions of the abuse. Sadly, too many people do not wish to understand or learn of their actions and the impact it has on a survivor or anyone suffering a silent illness. Yesterday I received and shared a posting on Facebook and your words reminded me of it.

Posting for a FB friend --
Until you have walked in our shoes and have felt the pain we feel, keep your cruel comments and opinions to yourself. People can be so cruel!! Not one of my Facebook friends will copy and paste (but I am counting on a true family member or friend to do it). If you would be there for me no matter what then copy and paste this. I'm doing this to prove a friend wrong that someone is always listening. I care. Hard to explain to someone who has no clue. It's a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (IBS, Crohn's, PTSD, Anxiety, Arthritis, Cancer, Narcolepsy,Cataplexy,HeartDisease, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, MS, AS, ME, , Epilepsy, hereditary angioedema , AUTISM, Borderline personality disorder, M.D.,D.D.D., CFS, Histiocytosis, O.D.D, A.D.H.D, RSD, PBC,RLS ,COPD etc.) Never judge.

Lee, I am and so are others listening I was recently and for a prolonged period in the state of despair, I allowed the actions of others to bring me to new lows. They still live in their world of denial and need to judge. They fail for see the silent illnesses can kill. They can relate to someone with cancer facing the possibility of something so devastating but not that of a CSA survivor, someone suffering PTSD,and other illnesses not visible or common to their limited minds.

You were great support to me as I tried to climb from the depths of despair. You gave me kind and encouraging words. For you I give the same. I know you are a good person and you give much to so many. I am sorry you are experiencing the anxiety and sense of hopelessness. Remember you have a wonderful wife and family and everyone here who wants to see you recover. It is important we do not let the abuser or those so ignorant to the silent illnesses push us to a dark place. I am learning their response is to hide where they are stuck in life, their own emotional, developmental and psychological issues.

Please vent, PM or whatever you need to do to push yourself up. Focus on the good in your life, the good you do for others.

I wish you well and my heart is heavy to see you or anyone else suffering. I was there and it was the kindness of good people who kept me alive and prevented me from succumbing to the cruelty of others.

Take care of yourself.

Kevin

 

[bluesky]

(((((Lee)))))
I total get what your feeling and going through. I wish you well and that this to shall pass. Praying and rooting for you. Remember you are a kind and good person that has helped me and many others. Hope your inner pain is soothed and that you feel better soon.

 

[sorryson]

Lee I read what you write to everyone. You area a pillar and have helped many. I always find your words helpful. I understand your feelings and praying you find some calmness and the pain goes away. You deserve to feel well and without pain

I will be praying for you

Paul.

 

[Logan]

Lee, I am so sorry that you are in such a place emotionally! I really wish there was something that I could say or do to alleviate your distress. Unfortunately I am sorta there myself these days. My once great sleep cycle has been so disregulated lately, and I how no clue as to why that is.

I really liked what Kevin said about how ppl can be so cruel and would prefer not to recognize that others' can go through extreme amounts of pain, even and especially in hidden ways!!!

All I can do, is Try to treat myself as gently as possible. I know that I have to take care of myself and my needs as much as possible to feel better. I know it may sound stupid, but when I feel anxiety I completely loose my appetite and have to Force my self to eat, or else I just won't at all. It is not easy for me to do so!

The Triad to beat depression, for me at least, is to (1) To eat well, (2) To sleep well, and (3) try to get some kind of exercise!

Also sleep is not an easy commodity to come by (for me) these days. I know that I have to avoid anything and everything that will or has the potential to make me anxious in anyway--nothing stimulating!

It completely resonates with me loud and clear as how you compare these symptoms to being back in the state of when "it (the abuse)" was occurring.

With my anxiety as high charged as it is right now, when I actually do sleep I get pretty awful nightmares and so the sleep isn't at all restful, but I try to forgive myself and not blame myself for their occurrence. They happen, that's it!
I also try to tell myself that it was "just a Dream, nothing more and it cannot hurt me now," even if I don't fully believe that last part-I try to as much as I can.
The only advice that I can share with you is to Try as much as you can not to stew over or obsess about you current situation and try to find something to look forward to--it could be anything, even something small. That seems to help me.

I really hope that you feel better soon. Hang in there man! All of us support you and your efforts.

Sincerely,
Logan

 

[traveler]

I have to change my thinking.

For the past 8 months, things have been going downhill at school. I have never before encountered these levels of disrespect, resistance, defiance, apathy, laziness and refusal to engage in my students. Among the staff and faculty, there is a lack of professionalism, responsibility, consistency, and consideration for others. The administration is poor at organization, communication, support of the faculty, decision-making, and leadership.

I have had all I can take. I am a nervous wreck - anxiety-ridden, depressed, and burnt out. I had intended to teach one more year in order to serve this school and its students because they are in desperate need of qualified and experienced teachers - and to maximize my social security benefits. But at this point, no sense of obligation to others or hope for my own gain could convince me to stay another year.

I have been beating myself up over this - regarding it as “inadequacy,” “letting others down,” “weakness,” “failure,” and “defeat.” Then I read the posts on this thread again and realized that I need to change my thinking. For me to continue working under these conditions would be to continue to allow others to victimize me. I would be contributing to my own mistreatment. The time has come to stand up for myself and say, “No more.”

I am not “quitting.” I have fulfilled my contract. I have done it to the best of my ability under less than ideal or even average circumstances. And I have done a better job of it than the majority of my colleagues. Instead, I am taking decisive action to help myself and to remove myself from a toxic environment. I hope it will be a wake-up call to the school, but I doubt that much will change.

I am feeling much better about it now. I am re-taking control of my life. It is their loss. No one is going to guilt me or pressure me into changing my mind. I am moving on and making a change for the better. And I am doing this not only for myself as I am now, but also for my younger self - who needs me to protect him.

Thank you, Mike, WS, Kevin, Bluesky, Paul, Obi, and Logan, for helping me find my way again.

Lee

 

[woodenshoes]

Lee

You always knew it. We just showed you it was always there within. You are strong and can protect the boy within. Good luck moving forward i wish the best for you.

(((( lee )))))

Ws

 

[KMCINVA]

Lee

Your resilience is shining through. We all have these low points-people and how they treat us impacts us tremendously. Feeling low and not respected causes us to feel like the abuser made us feel. I am only coming to realize, when the abuse occurred it was my fault and now realize the abuser had no regard for me. Several have recreated these feelings within me in recent years. The students created them within and you came to accept it is their problem or issue and not yours.

Welcome back and keep moving ahead.

Kevin

 

[Obi]

it's moments like these that i wish there was a "like" button on here...

actually, i wish there was an "infinity like" button...

i really like to see posts where any of us survivors reach down, stand up for ourselves, our self-worth, that WE are important...

lee, my brother, your post has me incredibly proud of you!!! you deserve sooooooo much and i'm glad to see you are standing up for that!

 

[traveler]

It’s over! Today was my last day of school - not just for the summer - but forever!!!

[video:youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA2UF1xwGP4[/video]

This was the last day of exams and I got the last grades entered into the report card program. All that is left is graduation and some clean-up in the classroom. It was a bad day for two reasons. One was that my 8th grade English class had only a 50% pass rate on their final exam. It wasn’t that the exam was too hard because last year’s class did fine on it. The other problem was that I discovered one of my AP English students plagiarized the entire take-home essay that was part of his final. I was very disappointed on both counts. I am so ready to leave. I am looking forward to the freedom of no schedule and no obligations.

There were some nice things said about me at the awards ceremony and they gave me a gift - but it is definitely not the way I had hoped to retire - “not with a bang, but a whimper.”

Anyway, I have no regrets about retiring now. All the things I regret are circumstances that I could not control. Looking forward now to the next chapter . . .

Lee

 

[woodenshoes]

Lee

Congratulations on retiring. Now you can spend more time with us! Lol. Wishing you all the best my friend.

Wooden

 

[zookeeper]

Hey my friend Congratulations! You have my admiration.
ZK

 

[peroperic2009]

Congratulation Lee on this achievement!

Wow, I like that melancholy feeling about not leaving with bang. Unfortunately that is how is life and it means we are very alive if we could connect with such emotions.

At other side for all your students that haven't pass the final English exam and also for that student which plagiarized the essay your last day in school was certainly with bang- if I may say it, ha ha.


I'm sure you were beloved by many students trough years and that is only what matters in this nice moment

 

[KMCINVA]

Lee

Congratulations and enjoy retirement. It is now time for your to enjoy and do what you want to do--life will be in your control.

You gave a lot to the students you taught and encouraged over the years--you left a positive mark on many.

I wish you the best, relax and enjoy!!

Kevin

 

[highflight]

Congratulations, Lee!

 

[unhappycamper]

Lee:

Congrats on attaining freedom! "They" say retirement can ruin your life, but after nearly three years, I see no signs of approaching ruin--not even financial! Best wishes.

John C.

 

[Bardo]

Lee,
I have been away from here for some time, but was distressed to come back and read of your tough time. I can completely relate to your situation, my wife teaches in an inner city school in DC and at the end of every year she is a physical and emotional wreck. And each year seems to get worse and her ability to recharge over the summer gets less. Teaching is such a hard job, and it takes your attention every minute of every day. I could never do what you have done, not in a million years, even though I love to teach. So congratulations, not just on retiring from teaching, but for seeing yourself through a hard time. I echo the remarks of the others when I thank you for all of the kind, supportive and wise words you gave me when I was most in need. I hope you will enjoy some "you time" now!

Freeman

 

[DannyT]

Congratulations, Lee! Glad to see you coming through the dark time and back into the sun.

Best wishes for your retirement!

Danny