What it feels like

[Tryingtolive]

A roller coaster ride.
Similar to my mind.
The anticipation.
As you wait in line
Nervousness and adrenaline.
Rushing through as I pretend to be fine.
As your waiting your expecting the thrill and the fun.
Others around in awe of the ride.
But you can't commment on it.
As more people rush in line.
More excitement and energy.
But none I can find in my self.
Closer and closer I get to the roller coaster.
Loud noises from the tracks.
The inner voice of mine.
Will never be quiet.
As I buckle in my seat.
battling my inner demons.
The ride Begins.
Everyone cheering and loud screems.
I'm silent not knowing what to do.
(About my CSA)
As everyone is enjoying the ride.
I'm stuck in my thoughts.
Thinking wondering.
As we slowly go to the top.
All these feeling rush to me.
Tightness and anxiousness.
Shortness of breath.
Everyone still laughing and screaming.
A Puzzled stare I have.
We reach the top of the hill.
Overlooking the big drop.
This is me watching my downfall.
Knowing the direction I'm taking.
I shut my eyes.
Blind myself from it all.
Loud screams I hear still.
The sharp turns moving my body around.
This is me losing control.
As the ride comes to an end I open my eyes.
No one had seem to notice me.
Everyone still enjoying the ride.
This is me analyzing life.
No one truly cares.

As we all get off the roller coaster.
I wonder if anyone had felt what I felt.
These feelings never leave me.
I question if they ever do.
My mind is a roller coaster.
I can't seem to get off it.

 

[Sterling]

No one truly cares.

WE care here willingtolive!

This my favorite piece, of yours.

Very thrilling.
Keep it going...I'm sure we would all agree we are on that rollercoaster with you!

Wishing u well.

J

 

[jevin]

I'm silent not knowing what to do.

These words jumped out of your poem, grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let go. I spent some hours remembering many of the moments in my life when I froze -- watching, assessing, knowing what was happening but at the same time confused, detached and powerless to act. This is the long reach of the seminal experiences that shaped our tactic of silence=survival. It's instinctual - whenever we are in the presence of a perpetrator, even if the space they occupy is only in our memory. You are not alone in this.

These feelings never leave me.
I question if they ever do.
My mind is a roller coaster.
I can't seem to get off it.

Your poem speaks loudly of your pain, your suffering and the loss of hope that we sometimes have to endure because this ride is a long one. Lots of people, maybe most, will not hear your silent screams because of their own internal noise.

"From childhood's hour I have not been
As other were; I have not seen
As others saw"
- Edgar Allen Poe, "Alone"

But, here you are among those others who have been as you are, who have seen what you've seen. To ears trained by this trauma that we are here to heal from, your feelings are more than familiar. We are all beside you on this ride. We do hear you. Your brilliant poem touched me deeply. Keep writing, keep sharing and keep reaching out.

- J