What is wrong with me? Possible Triggers

Ryan15

Member, Male
I really hate seeing another guy and feeling attracted to him, or thinking how cute he is. Why can't I feel this way towards girls? I have so many mixed feelings about me being gay and having nobody to talk to about it. Nobody knows that I like guys. I feel so alone. Some days I can get by without being bothered with these feelings, and other days--like today--I can't stand it. Why is this? And this is just the tip of the ice burg.

Also, just in the last week I have had two dream where I was being used. One by a guy who I do not know, and one by a woman who I do know--and it was very disturbing. Then I had a dream of having consentual sex with another guy.... I do not understand it.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
I feel so alone.
You are not alone... and this is a trick, a lie, that the mind cannot see unless your heart is open.

Ryan, no matter what you are experiencing, being gay is not wrong, bad or sinful. I encourage you to tell a close friend or family member that you trust. Coming out is never easy and yet after it happens, you slowly start to see who you are.

You become who you are by living your truth, living openly and honestly. The weight is lifted and you are more free. I know this to be true because i'm gay and came out as bisexual at 19. I was confused and recently out of a relationship with a girl from highschool. The abuse I suffered had been repressed because I had to survive. I lived a lie and lied about how I felt everyday, especially those close to me. I felt damaged and broken on the inside.

I wasn't any of those things. I was curious though and read a lot on coming out, being gay, homosexuality, etc. etc.

You are different, but that is because there literally are no normal people in this world. Thats such a farce lol.

I don't know if this helps but my heart goes out to you. I strongly encourage you to come out to at least someone. Putting up walls and pretending to be something you're not won't last long--it never does. Being in the closet is so self-destructive to the human mind, this is proven by science.

...i'm sorry you have to be here. And at the same time, you've found a place that has a lot of members that may have similar stories or backgrounds. Thank you for sharing. I hope you find what you need (and that these words comfort your loneliness).

Take care, the best way you know how...
-Ct
 

Ryan15

Member, Male
Thank you.

Unfortunately, there is nobody close to me, or who I can trust enough to come out to.... or who would even be co comfortable with the subject.
 
Hi Ryan, well done for sharing this, well done for developing your understanding of who you are, it is not easy to do these things on your own and have had the complexed level of abuse and acting out you have discussed in the past. CT as he is so often is, is right. Being able to tell someone is so important, being able to say your truth out load is how we can show our acceptance of us, even within our our complexed realities. It is an act of personal acceptance of who we are. It is an act of taking back the power from our abusers and those that sort to take away our ability of self sexual determination. You have identified and reclaimed your sexuality in spite of your past. Well done.

In today’s society you are free to be who or what ever you want to be. Gay, straight, bi, multi coloured flamingo, if that is what you want to be or what to identify yourself as. That is fine! If over time it changes or evolves, that is fine. No one has the right to tell you otherwise, no one but yourself has the power to hold you back from the life that is right for you. The most important person you have to be true to is you, after all that’s the person you spend most time with.

All that said, don't worry about the labels you give yourself and how others see you, or judge you, just continue to enjoy being and getting to know Ryan, - he is a good guy you know.
 

davids1

Registrant
Hey Ryan15, I'm glad you shared those feelings. Know this, you have come out her to us and it is a safe place. I'm glad you are starting the process. I don't know how old you are but at least you are starting the process. I did not come out as Gay until I was in my mid 30's and I wish I had worried about what people thought about me, but it was a different time and era and not as safe for a young man to come out. I didn't have the courage that you have. But you can come here to talk to anyone here about your feelings and be understood and accepted. There is going to be someone here that understands what you are going through. It's ok to be Gay, Bi. There is no set parameter on who says what your sexuality is except yourself. What you like to do behind closed doors with another consenting adult is up to you and them and no one else. Be free, be yourself. Don't beat yourself up mentally and emotionally. I'm glad you found us.
 
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