What Is/Was your greatest worry?

What Is/Was your greatest worry?
R

reality2k4

Registrant
My greatest worry was that I had caught a disease as a boy.
I had "phantom" symptoms, and it pretty much drove me crazy.

It drove me crazy because every minute I wanted to be screened for a disease that may have been incurable back in the 60s.
It drove me crazy that I was too timid to open out to all the docs that saw me.

I felt a bit like a leper inside, and this is what made me feel dirty and still do. It was the old tapes running thru my head, it still is, until I find new tapes to run.

This is the core of everything we think or feel, from guilt through to poor self image/esteem.
I would like to say to the younger guys, to make an appointment with the STD clinic.

Dont put your health at risk, the clinic will understand if you tell them the facts.
You can ask them for an assurance that anything they find will be in confidence.

That means they dont have to tell unless you agree.
I just wanted to be taken to hospital so somehow they check my blood or maybe give me a good checkup.

That was the single most fear that really hurt me of the past.
Other fears were, feeling terrified of going out, and this other perp following me everywhere.

I just thot'. How the f*ck does he know, and was he sent to get me by the other perp who nearly killed me!
I should have reported him to the cops like I did with the first one.

I knew where he lived, and saw all the boys in and out of his house with a bunch of perps in there, nah, I could not approach the cops.
They would have thot' I was asking for it.

That is how they keep safe, but what would you think if you saw the same thing in your neighbourhood!

I was pretty good at ferretting out perps, and knew where quite a few of them lived, because they had me on their filthy radar.

Anyway, I am not going on and on, there are many other fears and worries from them times, so feel free to make your views known,

ste
 
We didn't know much about sexually transmitted diseases when I was a boy, and in fact at the age of 11 I still knew almost nothing about sex. I just wasn't interested.

When I was being abused my greatest fear was being found out. All my energies were devoted to keeping the secret, and even then I was scared all the time that somehow what was happening to me would "show". I was especially frightened in gym class and I could never figure out why no one ever said anything.

Much love,
Larry
 
when i was being abused my greatest fear was of living through, it i just wanted to die.
 
My biggest fear was that somehow I was going to be turned into a child molester myself. There's so much false information put out on that that I worried there was this monster that had been created inside of me and that some day it would come out an there would be nothing I could do about it.
 
I was most afraid of somebody finding pictures or tapes. I was certain they would get me in big trouble, because to be blunt they didn't exactly show me struggling to get away. I was also afraid that the perps' kids, who were my friends, would stop liking me if I got their parents in trouble.
 
My greatest fear is loosing control again and becoming the WRECK I was in my early twenties.

The drugs/crime/fear & paranoia......

I've climbed a long way out of the pit, I dont want to fall back in.

I am like an alcoholic, this will always be with me. To use this analogy I can never drink again for fear of falling of the wagon.

AA teaches you to be able to say "My name is ???? and I am an alcoholic"

My name is Duncan, I was raped as a child. I have good days, I have bad days but I sure as hell am not going back down into that pit.
 
I guess the control thing was pretty steep for me also and many of us.
It was like taming this out of control monster lurking in my head every minute day and night.

I guess it is that sort of memory that sticks with us today.
Just to be able to find yourself accepted by people and not judged by them.

Nah, the latter is almost impossible.
I gave up on that a long time ago.
Notice I said "almost".
That means he never gives up hope,

ste
 
My greatest fear was burning in hell for what I was involved in... Shit. Now I'm gonna cry! What a bunch of Krap society dumps on kids.

John
 
John,

yes, how many times did I think of that!
I guess I am pretty trained up to stoke that big fire.

Got the T shirt to prove it!

ste
 
Originally posted by JapanZen:

My name is Duncan, I was raped as a child. I have good days, I have bad days but I sure as hell am not going back down into that pit. [/QB]
Click to expand...
I'm Enrigue, I was raped at age 7.
I'm in my 50's now and I am just starting to emerge from the deepest part of the dungeon. JapanZen, I was touched by your quote above because it has self-defined me for over 4 decades. If I was to ever write a bio of me, of all my accomplishments, including my education, the type of work I do or anything else, it would all be bullshit because to know who I was could be summed up in that one small statment "I'm Enrigue, I was raped at aged 7".
 
Enrigue,

I see that was your first post. Welcome to MS. This place is great to help on your road to healing.

You'll meet all sorts here, but they/we all have one thing in common.

I worried I wouldnt be listened to, how wrong I was. I guess the old adage it take one to know one runs true.

PEACE
 
My greatest worry or fear was that all of my friends would know what happened.
I was molested at 9 and told the police two weeks later. I had to go to school the next day wondering if everyone knew, did they think I wanted it, did they think I told a lie, and the list is endless. I also started dreaming that I was being chased. I would sit and wonder for many years to come if he would find me and put a gun to my head for telling on him. This only stopped when I found out he had died.


This quote from Enrigue to Japanzen is a hell of a statment, I understand fully what you are talking about.

"If I was to ever write a bio of me, of all my accomplishments, including my education, the type of work I do or anything else, it would all be bullshit because to know who I was could be summed up in that one small statment "I'm Enrigue, I was raped at aged 7"."
 
John (walkingsouth) speaks about fear of burning in hell and I remember that one as well. The abuser was an elder in our church and he told me if I told no one would believe me, and he would get the session to vote and send me to hell. Looking back, that particular lie was one that made me feel entirely trapped.

Larry
 
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