What is the first step to recovery?
I don't even know if recovery is the right word, I guess you never recover from incest.
My older brother who is in fact my half-brother (but he was there when I was born so he's always been my brother to me) has recently, in his late 30s finally admitted that he was abused by his biological father, both physically and sexually. He spoke to my mom about it, drunk, for the first time 5 years after his abusor died. So there is no confrontation possible.
Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but his father died and he never confronted him.. shortly after the death my brother lost his job and started to have panic attacks, became addicted to Xanax and alcohol, left his wife and child, etc etc. It has been a downward spiral since then. Could it be the guilt of never having confronted him?
He hasn't spoken up about what truly happened and refuses to ever mention it again, he only hinted at it to my mom that one time. My mother had no clue what had been going on for all these years and thought she was being a good mom by sending him weekends and summer to his biological father. My brother lived 35 years without ever saying a word.
Of course, she is completely devastated. I cannot begin to imagine the guilt she must feel, when I already feel enough guilt at NOT having been abused yet having lived under the same roof. I know it's sick but I feel guilty to have had a good dad, not a bad one like him. My dad did everything to become a dad to him by the way, but with such deep traumas it didn't help.
He has a deep and profound hatred for my mom, and it keeps flaring up in past years. He has hit her before, is emotionally abusive and tries to blackmail her and his recent game is to use any tactic to extract money out of her - threatening all sorts of crazy things if she doesn't pay up.
She would have sent her first husband to jail in an instant had she known, but she never knew, he never spoke up. She is a shadow of herself, she doesn't sleep nor eat.. now she is the one being abused.
My brother has also at times turned his anger and hatred towards the rest of my family, but it's mostly my mom.
Psychologically I imagine he is punishing her for not protecting him. But I don't know what to do help either of them. He has always been in huge financial distress, never been able to control a budget and my parents have bailed him out countless times, dozens of thousands of dollars. Now they want to stop, and he is threatening them with violence if they do not continue.
The situation is so awful and scary but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All the testimonies I have read are full of hope and from men who are facing, to varying degrees, the reality of the source of their suffering.
If someone can please help me look for signs..what do I need to do or look for to improve these lives? What is the first step to, if not recovery, managing an abuse? He has tried to seek therapy but usually ends up playing mind games with the therapist (he is very good at that). To complicate matters, we are in Europe so the directory on this site is useless. Is therapy even the first step?
His multiple addictions can be dealt with by AA, NA and Overspenders Anonymous, but I get the feeling that we are only treating the symptoms and not the cause.
I am so sad because of all the destruction. Will someone give me hope?
My older brother who is in fact my half-brother (but he was there when I was born so he's always been my brother to me) has recently, in his late 30s finally admitted that he was abused by his biological father, both physically and sexually. He spoke to my mom about it, drunk, for the first time 5 years after his abusor died. So there is no confrontation possible.
Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but his father died and he never confronted him.. shortly after the death my brother lost his job and started to have panic attacks, became addicted to Xanax and alcohol, left his wife and child, etc etc. It has been a downward spiral since then. Could it be the guilt of never having confronted him?
He hasn't spoken up about what truly happened and refuses to ever mention it again, he only hinted at it to my mom that one time. My mother had no clue what had been going on for all these years and thought she was being a good mom by sending him weekends and summer to his biological father. My brother lived 35 years without ever saying a word.
Of course, she is completely devastated. I cannot begin to imagine the guilt she must feel, when I already feel enough guilt at NOT having been abused yet having lived under the same roof. I know it's sick but I feel guilty to have had a good dad, not a bad one like him. My dad did everything to become a dad to him by the way, but with such deep traumas it didn't help.
He has a deep and profound hatred for my mom, and it keeps flaring up in past years. He has hit her before, is emotionally abusive and tries to blackmail her and his recent game is to use any tactic to extract money out of her - threatening all sorts of crazy things if she doesn't pay up.
She would have sent her first husband to jail in an instant had she known, but she never knew, he never spoke up. She is a shadow of herself, she doesn't sleep nor eat.. now she is the one being abused.
My brother has also at times turned his anger and hatred towards the rest of my family, but it's mostly my mom.
Psychologically I imagine he is punishing her for not protecting him. But I don't know what to do help either of them. He has always been in huge financial distress, never been able to control a budget and my parents have bailed him out countless times, dozens of thousands of dollars. Now they want to stop, and he is threatening them with violence if they do not continue.
The situation is so awful and scary but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All the testimonies I have read are full of hope and from men who are facing, to varying degrees, the reality of the source of their suffering.
If someone can please help me look for signs..what do I need to do or look for to improve these lives? What is the first step to, if not recovery, managing an abuse? He has tried to seek therapy but usually ends up playing mind games with the therapist (he is very good at that). To complicate matters, we are in Europe so the directory on this site is useless. Is therapy even the first step?
His multiple addictions can be dealt with by AA, NA and Overspenders Anonymous, but I get the feeling that we are only treating the symptoms and not the cause.
I am so sad because of all the destruction. Will someone give me hope?
