What is Romance or Intimacy?

[vrocotamy]

I could go on and on about this, but since I admitted I was raped (and didn't just have a "bad first time"), I've been able to admit more that I've never felt genuine romance or intimacy with another guy, in the context of an admittedly amorous relationship. There's been physical intimacy - and I've enjoyed some of it - but there's never been any emotional intimacy.

I'm really despondent about this realization. I'm partially upset with myself and partially upset, period. In some ways, it was easier to just believe I was cursed and had no control over it, and could therefore have no real feelings about it other than bitterness. It was like everything that happened to me (or didn't) was just part of a list of evidence for how worthless, ugly, and unlovable I am. I'm not sure I'm entirely making sense (even to myself), but seeing the importance of my rape in my experience of sexuality since then - really my whole experience of permitted sexuality - has made me actually see how lonely I am and have been and feel that loneliness.

I've been on dates with maybe a dozen guys (perhaps an over-estimate?), virtually all of whom I met online, in the last six years. I've asked out most, but not all of them. I've only been on two dates in the last year and they were both one-off affairs. The highest number of dates I've had with a guy is still two. I've had a great variety of casual sexual relations and number of sexual partners (broadly conceived), but the maximum number of times I've been with one guy (where mutual nudity and orgasm was involved) was three. The sex has slowed down, too - only a couple of guys in the past twelve months.

Of course, the biggest question I ask is, what's wrong with me? I usually just think it's that I'm ugly or awkward. Then, if I realize it's that I'm trying too hard and it's obvious to guys that the validation of my personal worth rests on their approval (which scares them), I feel equally helpless. How can I change that? Realizing that I give off a needy vibe makes me even more helpless feeling. Moreover, ow can I stop needing validation that I can be loved in return unless a man shows he loves me - or at least wants to date me? I don't need to meet Prince Charming, but it would be nice to meet a guy who I could feel affectionate towards and be attracted to and have sex with and go out to dinner with for a few months - just so I know I'm capable of it.

I can't picture a guy really wanting me, being romantic with me, or being intimate with me in a way that's more than physical. It's really my greatest dream, but I start choking up if I think about it. It just seems so impossible. I get told I'm cute, but no one ever approaches me if I go to a bar (look, I know I should approach people, but I need to be incredibly inebriated, and the fear of rejection is high) or an event (I'm in a very gay field.) I just don't even know what sexual/romantic intimacy would look like, emotional component and all. I don't know who my ideal boyfriend would be, which shocks some people.

Sometimes, I think never having had a boyfriend makes things even worse. I'm afraid that guys will find out and think there's something wrong with me (not that there isn't.) I already feel like there's something wrong with me in comparison to my friends, straight and gay, male and female, who are in (or at least have been in) relationships or are married or engaged. Even if I've realized there's an excuse of sorts lately I have begun to give myself for my failure - e.g. "I was seduced and date raped when I was 19 and then was date raped again in Germany when I was 21 by a professed sadist, and have had the whole gamut of other crap happen to me" - I don't know who would want to deal with that. I'm damaged goods. Sometimes, I just feel like my past - from my coming out onwards - has fated me towards tragedy or being unfulfilled, and other times I feel like I open my mouth and every word and breath is filled with bitterness, with signs of my failure or misfortune that drives guys even further away. No one will touch me and stay and I feel helpless about it.

ETA: Sorry, this is kind of a feelings dump, I'm not really sure how one would respond to it.

 

[NoSimpleMachine]

It's a feelings dump, but it's a very lucid feelings dump. A few thoughts:

You are more than the number of people you've dated, the length of your longest relationship, or the number of times you have sex in a year. These are all yardsticks you've developed that you look to as proxies of your self-worth, and the truth is they are really poor imitations of what really makes you (or anyone) worthwhile or lovable or valuable.

You are onto something that you likely give off a vibe of neediness and desire for external validation. This is a big improvement on thinking something is just WRONG with you (like looks or character or whatever other flaw you might damn yourself with), because it's true. More than true, it's also "actionable" (as some like to say in the realms of business): things can be done about it, actions can be brought to bear that will result in significant and positive change. Right now your question is "what are those things?" There is some sense of frustration being conveyed here because you've made the steps to realize that something CAN be done, but you don't know what yet.

The result is something like groping in the dark for anything that feels vaguely like a light switch. I can say a few things about that: your "light switch" will not flip so rapidly as to imitate a light switch's immediacy. Knowing what kind of boyfriend you want before you know who you are deep inside doesn't get you the boyfriend you need. Letting your past become the source material for never-ending sequels of tragedies being written over and over again within your life does not make for a happier existence. And letting people know that you were hurt does not stop the hurt (but maybe it can be appropriate to get a little understanding...use in moderation, as things cannot be unsaid. I hear often from older folks, and am starting to learn myself, that one of the freedoms you have is never HAVING to give an account of yourself. There are very few authorities you owe that to, and exercising your right to be as you are without explanation or account is quite empowering.)

The outside world isn't keeping score of you as much as you fear; the good people in life don't really track others' lives like that. Most people who have at least one foot in adulthood are too busy to really be bothered. And while some dates may be scared away from you now because you haven't had a boyfriend, a few years down the road when you've grown in understanding and maturity and peace (as you surely will), this shaky part of your life will be something that informs you and makes you a bigger-hearted, more interesting person. Such things come with time and awareness, and are aided by having faith that they come with time and awareness.

I see so much of myself ~5 years ago in the words you speak here. And in hindsight, one of the strongest feelings I can associate with that period is pretty desperately searching for some comfort and some answers and a way out. I visualize it now as being on hands and knees and looking around the same ten square feet of floor in circles, when there's a whole warehouse worth of space to look for ideas and approaches in that I just didn't know about.

You're more than your past doomed to repeat itself and you're more than these dating and sexual encounters scratched on the prison wall. Give that some time to sink in and it gradually becomes your next truth you can grow from. Take care and stay mindful.

 

[vrocotamy]

It's a feelings dump, but it's a very lucid feelings dump. A few thoughts:

You are more than the number of people you've dated, the length of your longest relationship, or the number of times you have sex in a year. These are all yardsticks you've developed that you look to as proxies of your self-worth, and the truth is they are really poor imitations of what really makes you (or anyone) worthwhile or lovable or valuable.

You are onto something that you likely give off a vibe of neediness and desire for external validation. This is a big improvement on thinking something is just WRONG with you (like looks or character or whatever other flaw you might damn yourself with), because it's true. More than true, it's also "actionable" (as some like to say in the realms of business): things can be done about it, actions can be brought to bear that will result in significant and positive change. Right now your question is "what are those things?" There is some sense of frustration being conveyed here because you've made the steps to realize that something CAN be done, but you don't know what yet.

The result is something like groping in the dark for anything that feels vaguely like a light switch. I can say a few things about that: your "light switch" will not flip so rapidly as to imitate a light switch's immediacy. Knowing what kind of boyfriend you want before you know who you are deep inside doesn't get you the boyfriend you need. Letting your past become the source material for never-ending sequels of tragedies being written over and over again within your life does not make for a happier existence. And letting people know that you were hurt does not stop the hurt (but maybe it can be appropriate to get a little understanding...use in moderation, as things cannot be unsaid. I hear often from older folks, and am starting to learn myself, that one of the freedoms you have is never HAVING to give an account of yourself. There are very few authorities you owe that to, and exercising your right to be as you are without explanation or account is quite empowering.)

The outside world isn't keeping score of you as much as you fear; the good people in life don't really track others' lives like that. Most people who have at least one foot in adulthood are too busy to really be bothered. And while some dates may be scared away from you now because you haven't had a boyfriend, a few years down the road when you've grown in understanding and maturity and peace (as you surely will), this shaky part of your life will be something that informs you and makes you a bigger-hearted, more interesting person. Such things come with time and awareness, and are aided by having faith that they come with time and awareness.

I see so much of myself ~5 years ago in the words you speak here. And in hindsight, one of the strongest feelings I can associate with that period is pretty desperately searching for some comfort and some answers and a way out. I visualize it now as being on hands and knees and looking around the same ten square feet of floor in circles, when there's a whole warehouse worth of space to look for ideas and approaches in that I just didn't know about.

You're more than your past doomed to repeat itself and you're more than these dating and sexual encounters scratched on the prison wall. Give that some time to sink in and it gradually becomes your next truth you can grow from. Take care and stay mindful.

Thank you, this is definitely elucidating and comforting.

I relate to feeling like I'm crawling around the same ten square feet of floor in circles (and having those circles become tighter and tighter.) I've had a lot of circular conversations about my dating problems with my therapist over the past two years. At the very least, these have progressed from me yelling at him and insisting that I'm ugly and undesirable and fucked-up and that's why no man will ever love me (or even want to f*ck me more than once), and that the fatalistic narrative I've built to explain my life is as good as correct. At this point, I'm trying to think of my dysfunctional actions and reactions in sex/dating as understandable results of the trauma I've suffered, rather than inexorable evidence of my predetermined doom. That process, in part, led to my acknowledging my rape, and hopefully that acknowledgment will lead to more progress in my interpersonal relationships.

But at the moment, I'm frustrated because I know there are things I could do to move myself in a more positive direction - and I'm trying very hard to forgive myself for being dysfunctional (and to realize I don't need to forgive myself for other things) - but I don't know either what they are or how they're possible.

My therapist has suggested innumerable ways I could meet men - striking up conversations at bars, joining specifically gay groups (on campus or in New York), going to more queer/gay screenings, lectures, and readings, etc. I recognize these might be helpful, but I'm just too terrified of rejection and feel alienated and anxious about my position in groups of people I'm supposed to share something in common with (which also makes it hard to post here.) It's also difficult for me because I don't have a circle of gay male or lesbian friends in New York/North Jersey to go to events with; I worked for two years after graduating and before going to grad school and only really met acquaintances in that context, and there aren't many other queer people in my Department. Online dating is hard because I become extremely anxious and depressed if a guy doesn't return my messages all of a sudden, to the degree that I can't function. I start having a traumatic reaction to perceived rejection.

I hope you're right that it's mostly me who's keeping track. Part of what led to my crisis this fall - and again, the revelation that I was kind of stuck around the time I was raped - is seeing how many of my friends had moved on to partnerships and how excluded I felt from their "new lives." Attending one of my best friends' weddings this December should have been happy, but it was very sad for me to see her get married (and, in my view, leave behind the life I was a part of.)

Just out of curiosity, what was in the figurative warehouse of ideas and approaches back then that you didn't realize existed? It's very comforting to hear that you struggled with similar feelings and came out on the other end, instead of just being stuck in seemingly inescapable stasis.