What is normal/typical?

What is normal/typical?
B

bkeithb

Registrant
First, I'm very appreciative of the support I've found so far here at MS discussion boards. Thanks to all! I've never shared my SA with anyone before and it feels good to do so.

I have a few questions about what is "normal" or typical for men who experienced SA when a child/teen. To refresh memories, I was SA by a relative as a boy and then later on by a teacher as a teen.

Here are some things I've experienced in life. My question is ... how many others felt these things or experienced these? How many are related to SA (typical behaviors/feelings) and how many were bad choices by me?

1) Alchohol/Drug abuse - I worked for the teacher who SA me. He would get me drunk (which I liked) and put porn flicks on (which I liked) and then when I was obviously drunk and excited, begin masterbating me, etc (which I was confused about - even though I ejaculated). After going into the USAF ... began to drink heavily (and do other drugs). How common is Alchohol/drug abuse in SA victims? Did I link alchol/drugs with feelings about SA? Did SA trigger it ... or just poor choices?

2) Distant and hard time with friendships - especially male friends. I've always found it difficult to have male friends. I've always said I didn't "need" friends and could get along fine by myself. This has been hard on my wife who longs to find couples with whom we can be friends. Is it typical for SA victims to feel this way?

3) Preoccupation with sex - though not a "sex addict" or addicted to porn, I have from time to time "binged" and visited porn sites, etc. It doesn't last long (because I am disgusted with myself). I do not look at kiddie porn! I've also been drawn to erotic stories and, at times, erotic chat. Again, not a huge problem but something I struggle with. Is this typical?

4) Sexual relationships with my wife - fairly good, but there have been times in our 17 yr. of marriage when I withdraw from her physically for periods of time. No sex at all. Keep to my side of the bed. No touching. etc. Is this typical?

5) [This one is touchy for me to talk about] Fantasizing about anal sex. In the shower I've inserted my fingers into myself on several occasions. I have no idea why this is arousing to me. Is this typical?

6) Also - in early teen years/early adult years, I was confused about my sexuality. Boys/men had given me sexual pleasure and I was not sure as to if I was gay. I engaged in homosexual sex with other teen boys, and when in the Air Force (after leaving home) with a few men on two or three occasions. I've not done so in 20 years but admit to having same-sex fantasies from time to time (see above). Is this typical?

Thanks again for your support. I'm just beginning to explore these feelings. It is scary on the one hand, but liberating on the other.
 
keith,
each of those are typical struggles of male survivors. all are contingent on personal experiences, of course, but variations of what you mentioned are definitely part and parcel of our recovery issues.

sexual confusion is a prime component. it can range from questions of our sexuality, varying degrees of binging on the sex industry, etc. we are very confused about sexual expression and intimacy (not equal at all) because of the bewildering effects of the abuse we suffered.

relationships? i think each of us would feel that we could write a book, or at least a chapter, on the confusion we have had about this. i lost my marriage partly due to the confusion of the abuse because i could not understand why i was behaving as i did. i never acted out or cheated on my wife, but the emotional confusion and fragmentation ended up being too much in the end.

what you have described is normal, keith. even the fantasies and such. the key is to explore each of these things as we can and slowly dismantle them in the light of our ongoing recovery.
 
Thanks, Theo, for the prompt reply.

It's good to know that these feelings and reactions to the SA are normal.

Having shared these things which have been secrets for so long ... I am feeling overwhelmed. Having not dealt with this for over 20 years ... I feel like it's starting to overtake me. I don't know what to DO with what I'm feeling? I would really like to go have a drink, but know that would be the worse thing I could ever do! I've been sober for many years now and don't want to go down that road again.

I am a man of faith now. I think I'll pray about this a while and see what my next move is. Share with my wife? Share with someone else? Share with a therapist (which would mean sharing with my wife first)?

All very confusing.
 
keith,
these are questions that we each have to find our own answer to. for me, i find when i am so confused it helps to journal it out. journaling helps me weed through the chaff of my cluttered mind and i eventually am able to find answers that work for me. i am here if you need me, keith.
 
So much of what you deal with sounds familiar. It's only been in the last couple of years that I could get relatively close to a man. Men are threatening, judgemental, standards of what I can never be, they'll use me, etc., etc. Being betrayed by a man in a position of authority doesn't exactly lay a foundation of trust.

Sex is the beast that tortures me. It's supposed to be normal, trusting, close--everything it wasn't when we were abused. So we fight to make it normal again. I've done the porn, the stories, the bingeing. When I was a kid and alone, it was awful. We lived in the woods, and I'd spend my days out there just reliving and reliving, trying to make something bad into something good. It was a terrible time of my life. I'm convinced the fantasies are all part of trying to undo the damage that was done. And if the abuse had any "positive" aspects, like you say, of course we're going to be drawn back again and again to that part of it to drown out the bad.

And one more thing.
which I was confused about - even though I ejaculated
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Responding physically to abuse does not mean you wanted it or that it was your fault in any way. In some ways we're machines. Let the blame rest where it belongs. On a teacher who did something very wrong to you.

I'm messed up, though far better than those terrible teen years. It's the continuing side affects of the SA that bring me here. But it's the positive experiences today that slowly undo the bad. The friends we make and trusting bonds we develop slowly take the place of the knee-jerk reactions we grew up with. Just listening to the men here proves that they're not all like that. They're decent guys who had terrible, terrible things done to them. How are we supposed to come out of that "normal"? But we're trying.
 
Everything except the alcohol sounds just like me. In that case, I guess I was lucky, no drugs either. Alcohol scares me, I fear loosing control - go figure, a control issue. I wonder why? :-) I am attracted to sex with men but find myself wanting to please rather than be pleased. I too was attracted to boys as a youth, porn as an adult, intimacy problems with my wife and 2 divorces. I am now very lucky in that I have a wife who is trying to help me climb out of this hole. We don't have much of a sex life right now and like so many others, I seem to enjoy masturbating alone. I'm learning to trust and release control and with help I am finding my nights more restful and wanting to have sex with my wife. I discovered that I have a low sex drive and can take medication to help with that problem. Sounds to me like you are normal - normal for a confused, sexually abused youth.
 
bkeithb,

Sadly, I think most of the things you mentioned are all too common among survivors. Thankfully, I haven't relied too much on alcohol or drugs. I too wanted to maintain control.
Everything else is right on...are you sure you haven't been peeking at my journals? The sex and intimacy issues are the ones that tear me up the most. Part of it has to do with being shamed as a child. Another part is the guilt which comes from the male-related sexual fantasies-most often in the image of my abuser. That is enough to make you question your sanity. I ask myself, why am I thiking about him? Is that what I want? Did I like it? When that kind of stuff is rolling around in your head you can't help but be half nuts. I hope you stick around. there is a lot of strength and compassion in this community
 
This is all very helpful. Thank you!

Forever_Fighting: I appreciate the distinction you help me see, i.e., that merely because I ejaculated when I was molested does not mean I was at fault or asked for it.

Mark R.: So encouraging to know these are common struggles. Doesn't mean I don't want to move beyond the struggles or excuse them, but that these behaviors/feelings are typical (or can be) of SA adults survivors. Thanks!

Self_Righting: thanks for encouraging me to stick around. I believe I will!

And Theo - again, thanks for the offer to help. I appreciate that more than you know.

I don't mean to cut off discussion with this reply - just wanted to say thanks ... comments are helpful
 
Originally posted by bkeithb:


1) Alchohol/Drug abuse
Did SA trigger it ... or just poor choices?
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Alot of my poor choices are as a result of how I reacted to the abuse. I avoid conflict and am not real good at making snap decisions. Though as I grow it is getting better.

2) Distant and hard time with friendships - especially male friends.
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I was abused by a female and have a hard time with friendships. I am just not good at friend ship. Though oddly what few friends I do have tend to be female.

3) Preoccupation with sex -
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I struggle with this alot, I would say I am addicted to porn. The stories and other stuff I have seen are not helpful to devloping a healthy sexuality like God intended.

4) Sexual relationships with my wife -
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Not good enough at relationships to keep a girlfriend, much less get a wife.

5) [This one is touchy for me to talk about] Fantasizing about anal sex. In the shower I've inserted my fingers into myself on several occasions. I have no idea why this is arousing to me. Is this typical?
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I think some men have this interest who were not abused, so I don't think it all that unusual. Though I must confess it is not my cup of tea.

6) Also - in early teen years/early adult years, I was confused about my sexuality. Boys/men had given me sexual pleasure and I was not sure as to if I was gay. I engaged in homosexual sex with other teen boys, and when in the Air Force (after leaving home) with a few men on two or three occasions. I've not done so in 20 years but admit to having same-sex fantasies from time to time (see above). Is this typical?
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I think it may be typical. From me it is because I have such a hard time getting a woman that despair makes me think that way. I know it is not a real interest. But instead I view it as a weakness in my sexuality. By that I mean my true sexuality was damaged by the abuse and I sometimes think about things I don't want because I do not believe myself worthy of the things I do want.

Thanks again for your support. I'm just beginning to explore these feelings. It is scary on the one hand, but liberating on the other.
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Yeah it is scary to look down your gut and see what is in there.
 
Keith, first of all congratulations for gathering the courage and "let it out" for everyone to read. It is not an easy task and for that you deserve a thumbs up. I can identify with most of the items you mentioned (except for the part about having sex with women, which i never have; but that's another story and this is not about me). IMHO, I think that what you are aiming at when asking as to whether it is normal/typical or not is rather whether having these kind of thoughts and activities are justified or deserve to fell guilty about. There is no short answer and I don't think that everyone agrees as to what "normal" is since most of what you have described and most of us have experienced is not considered normal by most people. But in a nutshell, if what you are experincing now causes you anxiety or other feelings of "remorse" etc. don't sweat it. the one thing I can tell you is that as long as you are open with what you experience with the ones that matter to you and that they are understanding and accepting that this is who and what you are, and most of all that you are not hurting any innocent parties in the process; you are being perfectly normal and may I say above normal since most people go around life not wanting to deal with the monsters in the closet.

Best of luck and regards.

Hector
 
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