What I'm Realizing

[SayItRight]

Can anyone relate? If so, and you don't mind sharing, that would be great. A long and somewhat jumbled post because I have a hard time "saying it right."

Realizing now, how much I've been at least activated, if not out-right triggered, somewhat on and off but pretty consistently, for the past few months.

Not in ways directly related to the SA in my history but in ways that have been challenging for trauma symptomology.

External challenge having to do with my job/career went deep for me: disrupted my sense of self, disrupted my sense of worth, disrupted my certainty and even how proud I was of significant progress I've made in the past few years. Made it seem once again that:

• the world was only bad, unpredictable, unstable, out to get me, and
• I was only:
  • forever on the losing side,
  • easily taken by surprise
  • because I am or "must be" [fill in the negative/self-wounding word here: stupid, naive, not normal like other people/men and/or a host of even worse name-calling, citations to previous bad choices, absolutely worst takes on myself, etc.]

Increasingly, the past two weeks, feels like the clouds are finally parting. Nuance, perspective, self-kindness starting to come back online. Feel like I'm breathing again. Slept 10 hours last night. Good dreams. Don't know at all how I will address the current challenge but feeling more like I will or, at least, that it will work out.

Strangest thing is that over the past few months, as opposed to shutting down as I have in the past, or being completely shut down by symptomology, I've done ok: continued to work despite big challenges there, relationships going ok, working out consistently.

It's just that there has been a huge internal war. I've had to work through many, many distortions (and mental/verbal harmings) of self. I've done it, and that's great but I think what I find most surprising is just how many times over the past few months I've woken up or "come to" and realized: "Wow, I've been really fucked up in my internal reactions to all that. Glad I can see things more clearly now." Only to realize, a few weeks later that "Wow. I guess I had no idea how fucked up I've been looking at this whole situation; how much it's messed with me. Glad its better now." Only to find the same realization or a new/deeper realization, yet again a few weeks later... So, past two weeks: best realizations yet, but what exactly does that mean?

These dynamics may seem like small problems compared to what some of you have going on right now. I don't mean to make a big deal out of nothing.

Most of my time in recovery - and its been years - has been like standing in a completely barren place being blasted by circles of fire-breathing dragons who are burning me non-stop. Just pain. Dissociative episodes, intense trauma symptomology, etc. If I stopped any of the dragons, or they fell over dead, 3 more would take their place. The fire-breathing attacks were just distractions though, because as soon as any of them could, they moved closer to tear me up, swallow me whole, destroy me, whatever. Even worse pain. Whenever I looked up, there were clouds and clouds of other dragons waiting for their turn. The dragons included memories, thoughts, half-memories, fears of memories, etc. Kicked my ass for years and years. Sometimes still do. Last couple of months haven't featured dragons. It's been more like lions this time (hating these analogies by now, so will stop with this paragraph soon). Guess I'm trying to say: I hope you're getting what you need to hang in there. Just staying in the battle, despite constantly being burned, was the way out for me. Day after day of pain but not giving up slowly turned into changing the battle, then notching up some wins.

Back to what I'm here to say. Last couple months, I've largely presented well, and done or performed mostly ok, but the internal situation has been tumultuous and fractured as hell. Slightly better now and so it feels like what I'm finally considering is actively seeking to let go of some of the hyperarousal / hyperawareness / super-guardedness / super-jacked up / feel-safer-tearing-myself up state I've been in, and to do what, instead? I don't know.

Maybe this is what I'm asking for people to relate to and write about. First, have you ever had this experience of "coming to" or "waking up" in ways that deepen and change? Second, what is it I'm about to do instead of being so jacked up internally? To believe? To trust? To slow down and figure it out? To just keep doing consistently things I've been doing (therapy, relying on buddies, working out, prioritizing sleep, thinking out loud/meditating, applying to other jobs) that are - maybe- the thing that has been working and to hope for the best?

Would appreciate hearing any about frameworks or approaches anyone has for a potential pivot point like this that have been helpful for them.

 

[Colt1958]

Welcome! I am hoping to hear more from about you... first and foremost, I want to acknowledge your courage and resilience. You've been through a lot, and the fact that you're still standing, still fighting, and still reflecting on your experiences is truly commendable. Your openness and honesty about your struggles are a testament to your strength. Come on in, the water's fine! <3

 

[Healing light]

To just keep doing consistently things I've been doing (therapy, relying on buddies, working out, prioritizing sleep, thinking out loud/meditating, applying to other jobs) that are - maybe- the thing that has been working and to hope for the best?

I can totally relate to what you have written in your whole post and have wondered the same
I do think the above part I have quoted is a good way forward and I have found to begin with this takes a lot of conscious effort
I'm hoping that in time the conscious effort will be less so
I'm hoping the negative, berating voice in my head will quieten also

Hope is something that I choose to hold on to I'm hoping for the best for you, for me and every other survivor

Wishing you Peace in your healing journey HL

 

[Healing light]

To just keep doing consistently things I've been doing (therapy, relying on buddies, working out, prioritizing sleep, thinking out loud/meditating, applying to other jobs) that are - maybe- the thing that has been working and to hope for the best?

I can totally relate to what you have written in your whole post and have wondered the same
I do think the above part I have quoted is a good way forward and I have found to begin with this takes a lot of conscious effort
I'm hoping that in time the conscious effort will be less so
I'm hoping the negative, berating voice in my head will quieten also

Hope is something that I choose to hold on to I'm hoping for the best for you, for me and every other survivor

Wishing you Peace in your healing journey HL

 

[OpeningUp]

Dude! I am new to the group and don't post much, but reading this was intense and uplifting.

This line was really uplifiting:

"Strangest thing is that over the past few months, as opposed to shutting down as I have in the past, or being completely shut down by symptomology, I've done ok: continued to work despite big challenges there, relationships going ok, working out consistently."

I have been in therapy for a year and just coming to terms that I was molested and abused as a child. To keep going despite challenges has always been tough for me as well. I would shut down or try to please people. Your story really helped me to just keep going!

 

[SayItRight]

@Colt1958 @Healing light and @OpeningUp Guys, thank you for your responses. I'm glad I posted what I did: helped me figure a lot of things out.

@OpeningUp Very glad to hear you found something in what I wrote to be uplifting. Keeping going has been the key for me: even now it is. Glad you are on here, glad to hear you are in therapy. Wish you the best.

 

[smc1972]

First, have you ever had this experience of "coming to" or "waking up" in ways that deepen and change? Second, what is it I'm about to do instead of being so jacked up internally? To believe? To trust? To slow down and figure it out? To just keep doing consistently things I've been doing (therapy, relying on buddies, working out, prioritizing sleep, thinking out loud/meditating, applying to other jobs) that are - maybe- the thing that has been working and to hope for the best?

I am glad to hear you talk positively and speak of the clouds parting.

Yes, everything you you wrote i have experienced not directly abuse specific. But the abuse leaks over into all other aspects of a persons life. Work, family, friends, life in general. It does make things so difficult because you do feel everything from everywhere is crushing you and you will never win, never be better.

I think in a way you did answer one of you question.

Strangest thing is that over the past few months, as opposed to shutting down as I have in the past, or being completely shut down by symptomology, I've done ok: continued to work despite big challenges there, relationships going ok, working out consistently.

That right there is a big part of it from what I am learning. Not stoping not giving up, pushing or working though. This is what my T is trying to drive in to, along with other here.. She has me reading some good books and watching movies around things. You have to tell yourself you need to start going to go around the negative thoughts, do not focus on them. When the feeling or thoughts are there that start bringing you down or making you think you cant or you are not good enough. I was told to picture that negative thought(s) a thing or figure. There telling you the negative things. You have to know you can knock it down banish it even. May sound silly but we have worked on this to where i have a wizard with me that can handle that aspect and I focus on myself to tell myself that I can have a positive outcome. I know sounds sort of well bs. But I am starting to accept that thinking. I am a very slow learner on these things always tell myself that wont work for me. But I know I have to do something. No I am no where near having the clouds parting completely or moving away. Have had a few hours or sun but still a lot to work though and get past. but I am telling myself I cant just keep thinking the same things about myself and expect a change.

The also is that there will be failures, stumbles, pain along the way. But if you never try, never push yourself to move forward to a better place out of thoughts of failing or not worthy of better hurt then nothing will ever change.

This week i read a story in one of the books my T has giving me. In it there was a story about this a senior high school football star. All city all state etc and had offers to go to al these different universities. This small freshman kid (who is co -author int he book) ended up sitting next to him in a class that neither were good at so they had that in common. He goes on to say he eventually talked to this senior and wanted to know how is he better than the others. The football player said I am not. I am not bigger than others, not faster than others but I get up each time. He had them give him the ball the first play of every game and he would run right at the defensive tackle and just hit him. Yeah he would get knocked down but that hit made him feel alive. Feeling alive is what made him drive himself forward, it is the drive that made him be better than others. May not mean much to you but for me it just struck me.

None of those things are easy for me at all. It is just so out of my character where I have spent my life hating myself for one thing or another, seeing myself as a not good enough.

being blasted by circles of fire-breathing dragons who are burning me non-stop. Just pain

Interesting analogy considering my wizard one lol. But to that dragon this is where I would be told to visualize having the power or the support of someone that is powerful enough to take down the dragon. To see what is like without that dragon, the barren land full of plants, life sun whatever just something appealing, something you would like to see or be in. Again this is just what I am learning to do.

You seem to be on the right path, just for us and work keep on that path to where you want to be. You may trip on a rock but you have to get back up wash off the bloody knee and keep moving.

Again I am great as saying these things but suck at doing them myself, but working on it.

 

[SayItRight]

@smc1972 thanks for your thoughtful and detailed response. Been somewhat underwater since shortly after I checked in with this post. A variety of challenges. Will get through those too. One step at a time. Good luck to you in your ongoing recovery.