what if.... trigger

what if.... trigger
Z

zadok1

Registrant
I am not very happy at the moment. Yesterday I was hit over the head with the possibilities of something more. For years, I have fought and struggled as I learned to accept myself at face value. It was hard not to label myself sick or perverted because of the things I liked sexually. So I finally have gotten to the point where I dont feel sick any more. I feel I am sexually healthy, not necessarily sexual in the way others are, but that doesnt make me sick or perverted.

So if I accept that I am not sick, then that validates the things I like as being acceptable. If they are acceptable they are doable. I have been really struggling because my wife isnt into the things I want, so I feel needy and unfulfilled. I try to focus on the things I have instead of what I dont, but I was talking to a woman that struggles with the same issues I do. It made me realize that finding a person with my same tastes is not beyond reason. Now, I am left wondering where to draw the lines. I know my wife, her limits, her dreams, everything. I know she can never be a perfect fit, but then when is marriage ever a perfect fit. When the things I liked were sick, it was easy denying myself, but now that I have accepted many of them, it is proving harder. I want to be sexually free again. I want to return to what I was when I was young. Yet, there are a thousand reasons I cant. Does this stuff ever completely go away? Ive concluded that it doesnt.

now i'm feeling the what if's again. what if i could begin again with someone like me? what if we could enjoy all this kinky stuff together instead of denying myself? i guess i feel so close to recovery, but just cant get over that last part where i declare the dragon slain. i begin to question whether i can salvage anything from my former life and still be this new person. must i loose everything to live up to what i want to be? sorry just feeling a bit blue today.
jeff
 
Jeff:
now i'm feeling the what if's again. what if i could begin again with someone like me? what if we could enjoy all this kinky stuff together instead of denying myself? i guess i feel so close to recovery, but just cant get over that last part where i declare the dragon slain. i begin to question whether i can salvage anything from my former life and still be this new person. must i loose everything to live up to what i want to be? sorry just feeling a bit blue today.
jeff
Click to expand...
Jeff what if's can be a very dangerous things for some. It was for me. What if I am no good. What if it was my fault. Wht if it had never happened to me.

As to being sick or perverted. No I agree you are not if you say you are not. The old adage is true. IF you think it isnt it isnt.

Now to say you start over. Well I personally, if it were me, would take a long hard look at it. I have a lot invested a lot of my life with my partner. Do I miss the stuff I did. Hoenestly, yes sometimes I do. But I think I miss them because I am like a kid in the candy store. I can look and think but cannot feel and touch. I want it because I cannot have it as I am now.

I am not suggesting that is you Jeff . I am merely trying to give you a different perspective on the situation. I know that I tend to fix on things from a singular point of view and that others have helped with with options that I did not or wold not percieve.

Also I dont ever consider the dragon to being slain. He is just there and that is a fact. That was then and this is now. I have not slain hime but I have stopped him from influencing how I will live in the future.

Your brother Mike
 
Jeff,Mike,

Can I ever get into the, "what ifs." After my first CSA when I was seven, we moved to small town where sex with girls was just outside my door--we were 9, 10 and 11. I was frozen--titilated almost breathless--and could not perform, even if my life depended upon it.

We could debate whether any sexual activity at that age would be healthy beyond playing doctor, but I can't help, "what if'ing," I had taken part in some "normal" sex with those girls; I might have been able to avoid my next perp, the one who took the most.

Ya, "what if."

There are so many variables that go along with that. What if this,...but what else would have been set in motion.
It's really not much more than fantasizing.

I do appreciate what you're saying, however, Mike.

I think about my life with my wife and figure that she has put up with so much from me, that the least I can do is to satisfy her in anyway that I can.

It's certainly not all sexual these days, but some counseling to help me with anger management is also satisfying for her.

She got us a book on erotic massage for my birthday and without steaming up the pages too much, she gave me the most, bestest, with rose oil.

"Yes, there I was on Cleopatra's barge, being made ready."

Hey, Jeff, I hear ya. I'm trying to be thankful for what I do have........and letting some of the other stuff fade................

Your brother in the struggle,
David
 
Jeff
the "what if's" of the past we have no control over, although we can have some control over the future ones.

The old ones can only cause us regret, I try very hard to avoid them. What happened - happened. Whatever it was, it's gone and it ain't coming back.

Perhaps if you concentrate on your recovery, and you still feel the same desires when you judge yourself 'healed' - then maybe those desires are right for you ?

I know I just said I try hard to avoid regrets and what if's, but they do creep in. I put it down to "mid life crisis", but you're far to young for that. ;)

Dave
 
Jeff,

Your post 'what if...' got my attention. Thanks for the honesty to speak up when you're feeling blue. I've been having a really hard time lately, isolating a lot, and entertaining a lot of 'what ifs..' myself. I'm having a hard time with some medical treatments, financial difficulties, dealing with the PTSD from my abuse, and so on. This place is a refuge for me, so I'm relieved to be able to say I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm confused---and people don't really say, "Do this." or "No, do that.". Instead they say, "Yeah, I've felt that way too. Sorry for your pain. We're here for you."

Your posting and the replies (thanks, Mike for the dragon) helped me make more peace with myself about my doubts, fears and hopes for the future.
I'll probably have to do it again tomorrow and the next day too. With practice it should get easier.

You are asking the right questions and in the right place. It's obvious that you are a caring man; thinking of the welfare of your wife before acting in ways that might hurt her. Your behavior is completely unlike the actions of the men in my life who sexually abused/expoitd me to satisfy themselves, with nary a thought as to what would happen to me when it was over......I was disposable like a kleenex used and discarded.

I grew up to model that behavior in my adult relationships. Awareness of the limitations of that came only with great pain.

The fact that you exhibit such awareness of your feelings, hopes, desires all while still considering the possible consequences of possible actions for you and others is a great learning for me. You exhibit the freedom of choice--prior to beginning my recovery, it did not seems I had any choices. I just did what I did, I got hurt, others got hurt, I didn't learn and went out to do it again and again.
I thought that my hopes and those of others must be at cross purposes; I obligingly abandoned mine. You seem willing to seek a balance.

You're doing the next right thing here. It is helpful to me in times of emotional disturbance to ask "When and in what circumstances have I felt this way before?" By examining the similarities in my emotions in very different physical, geographic and chronological situations, I am able to see what parts of my character come into play. I see growth and progress and understand once again that I am in process and continue to evolve.

When I am able to gain some clarity and some perspective, possibility of an unknown future loses its troubling aspect. Which is good, since the future by its nature is intrinsically unknown and unknowable. The illusion that I need to know or should have known (like the abuse in the past) is what causes me to feel sad and hopeless.

If I can relax, breathe deeply, focus on an object of natural beauty, become absorbed in an unrelated activity, practice positive self care
any or all of the above, when I come back to my problem, it seems to have grown smaller and to be not so important as the present life I have to enjoy today.

The famous Czech writer, Milan Kundera, pierced the veil of my illusion. He wrote:

"The only reason people want to be masters
of the future is to change the past."

Some food for thought, with thanks for what you have given me.

Mike,

You rock! The dragon made me think of Tolkien's:

"It does not do you good
to leave a dragon out of your calculations,
if you live near him." J.R.R. Tolkien

Thanks for the reality check guys. You're the best.

Regards,
 
I dont want to be nosy, but does your wife know what hapend to you ? See i told my wife 4 years ago what hapend to me as a kid. Now and whit her love and patience, She is for some parts in my sexuality doing what i need. I dont think personaly that my sexuality is a perverted one or a disfonctionel one. I hope by sharing a piece of my life it can help you.

Take care Jeff,

jean-Pierre
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top