What if I'm not a surviver - wasted life -

ChuckT

Registrant
I apologize for starting a new post.
My search turned up empty.
there is no need to read any further, I just needed to write to someone.

My wife has started counselling for childhood abuse.

I have started to see a therapist as well - initially to deal with my abuse as a child -I started reading her books so I could help her- and all hell broke lose inside of me.

My wife with whom I shared my journal (she shared her experiences with me and I was supportive) has stated that..

She now realizes that her attraction to me was that I was like her father who abused her.

She feels as though I have been abusive towards her just like her father was and treated her similar to the way my abusers were towards me(wich explains alot of the problems we have had)mine and hers.

I now know that I have tried to please her (and gratify myself) in a similar pattern as I had learned.

I have discussed this with my therapist and researched books and websites to get help.

For the last few months our discussions end the same - she wants a divorce - She feels as though her life has been wasted long enough and wants to move on.

It seems as though our seperation is inevitable because she says she feels the same way I would if I was still living with my childhood abusers.

I feel hopeless
 

joelRT

Member, Male
ChuckT
Welcome to MS - I'm glad you found us. No need to apologize my friend, we're here to listen, offer support and share our collective experiences with those who, just like us, need that.

That's quite a load you're carrying and I certainly don't envy you. It has to be very difficult to deal with two such major issues at the same time, both of which require a full time investment in order to resolve. You're trying to come to terms with and resolve your childhood abuse AND save a marriage all at the same time. That's going to require that you be super-human.

You already well know what a full time commitment marriage is, but my concern is that you have yet to discover just how much of yourself you are going to have to invest in your recovery from your childhood.

Yes Chuck, other couples have come back from the brink that you find yourself standing on. Many couples do recover together, so it can be done and many men here can attest to that.

As I wish you well on your journey, let me leave with a link to an O Magasine article about this very issue. Three couples share just how they went about facing these issues and, together, how they overcame them to come of it all stronger as a couple.
http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200810_omag_sexual_abuse
 

Grunty1967b

Registrant
ChcukT,

So glad you started this post. Thats exactly what youre supposed to do. Thankyou for sharing and welcome to MS.

I do hope that through the therapist that you will both be encouraged to give all of this some time. Sure there may be elements of unhealthy behaviours in your marriage to date but arent those marriage vows along the lines of for better or for worse?

You are both obviously realising the need for help, input and change. Please dont stop that whole process prematurely. You both need time to understand more about your own abusive pasts then you can better work on any co dependencies that may exist in your current relationship.

I see huge opportunities for both of you to grow and recover together. I hope you can both hang in there.
 

sojourn111

Registrant
Chuck,
I am glad you posted. Wow!! I'm praying for you. You're right that is a tough situation. Welcome to MS.

Chuch, how about a little true humor.

My wife and I did seperate. In fact it wasn't good for us to be together. Our propensity to consider killing each other was a bit high. I mean after all she did try and suffocate me in my sleep for snoring... she is a lite sleeper... it caused problems for our kids which eventually worked through and healed. Here's the best part, a pastor/marriage counselor told us in the middle of a group, "If there was ever a couple that should have never been married it's you two."

We continued in the group with him yet his inability to help me frustrated him and challenged his very being. He eventually broke down weeping and sobbing about how messed up I was and he had no capacity to help me and had failed both as a minister and counselor. At which point he completely stopped counseling in the groups alotgether. Other than a funeral and a wedding he has not taken the pulpit again despite our recovery. WooHah!!!
Destroyed the marriage counselor!!

He was wrong. We did get better and we are great for each other. With guidance, with counseling, my wife and I untangled ourselves from each other and from the problems. We learned to become each others defender of safety and cheerleader. BUT there was a point of decision that even if I lost everyhing, marriage, family, job... I was going to stay the path of my freedom. I deserved it, my kids deserved to have a healthy dad, and wether she stuck around or not my wife deserved it.

I don't know and won't guess how it will work out for you. I know the pain of seperation, even filing for a divorce. Just know this. It was painful to get where you are and the path back to freedom may hurt, yet there in a clearing of peace and healing you will find the healthy you. That is important and everyone around you will be blessed by it.

Love her. Give her some space in that Love. Know the most important thing is for her and you to become whole again. The rest will work itself out.
 
Chuck,
I just read your post and I am so sad that this situation has come to you. I personally do not feel that we meet my chance or that things happen to us by chance.

I had a similar discussion with my wife that you and yours have had. We reached different conclusions and are now divorced but I still think that we were meant to be together to heal. I needed to see things in her that helped me to address issues that I had in my life that needed attending to.

The healing process in messy and sometimes very painful but the end result is maturity of character and personhood. I think she needed you in order to realize the hurt she was carrying and to heal that hurt. Same thing with you. Together you will either mend each others heart or continue to withdraw and run away.

It is just my opinion and not professional at all but deep inside I have found that to be the case in many couples I have known who instead of continuing to hurt each other with their own pain, have examined their wounds and found a fitting medicine in the love of their spouse that allowed those wounds to heal that alone could not have been reached.

The same lover that can wash your back can sometimes reach areas of your heart you could not get to either.


Just a thought.
 

pseudo

Registrant
I can relate to a lot of this ... I am the survivor, and my wife has beared a lot of unfair comparisons to my abuser. We're all messed up and entangled in each other. There's a lot of conflict. We're separated right now (after 5 years of turmoil), and I don't know what's going to happen. We both need lots of help. It's very painful. Good luck with everything.

ps
 

ChuckT

Registrant
I am afraid.

I have been seeing a therapist for 5 months and I am starting to loose the ability to disconnect from reality -

The truth now torments my soul.

I am not chuck t I am chuck Doe my identity is unknown.

my soul was aborted my shell has survived I am empty... not even able to cry.
 
chuck, it is good to get the truth out in the open, even if only released in small doses. as they say you are only as sick as your secrets. all my best thoughts and prayers go out to you as you go through these difficult times.

ron
 

wes-b

Registrant
Chuck my Brother;

You may feel your Identity is unknown right now... Do know that as you walk your road of healing and recovery you will find that it was always deep in your core, trying to come forth. My self was burried and obsured by scar tissue for ages (decades) and becomes more revealed as I walk along my path. Some days my path feels as though it is through a swamp, and others like an Interstate. Keep working brother. In my eyes you will always be my brother and as such have an Identity to me.

You started with a perfect core and God connection, your abuse(s) and experiences have hidden it from you and the world, but it is indestructable and with action will again be revealed.

In the interest of letting you know that you are not alone with recognizing that your sexual relations with your wife being a reenactment of your abuse... I recognized that in my first year of healing/recovery too, it was painful to admit as well as liberating. And to echo sentiments already expressed; I believe in my very core that we find partners in life that are matches to allow us to heal and reconnect with our true self.

There is hope even if you feel you are tied to the rails and the "divorce train" is coming at you. I was separated from my wife for most of 2007 and it looked like all was over. The most difficult thing I did at that time was let go of my expectations and put it in God's hands... and when I finally let go of the outcome completely I was freed of my fears. My prayer when I finally let go was "what is best for all involved" no longer what I wanted...

Love and support from my heart to you.

Wes
 

nansogre

Registrant
Hi Chuck,
My wife and I are both CSA survivors. She put up with a lot of abuse from me while I was mirroring my CSA abuse on her. Only in the past year did we see it for what it was and where it came from.
Thankfully she has forgiven me. Somehow seeing the nature of where it was coming from has helped me to fight the urges and I am changing. I really hope you two can work it out.
It can be so much better after you both heal, you wont be the same people but you can be stronger together.
Hoping for the best for you.
 

ChuckT

Registrant
Thank you all so very much

I've been depressed for the last couple weeks and had forgotton about finding this haven.

I just deleted the whole page of self deprication. There was no reason to subject any one else to my woe.

Again, simply, thank you for providing evidence of hope.

ChuckT
 

joelRT

Member, Male
ChuckT said:
I just deleted the whole page of self deprication. There was no reason to subject any one else to my woe.
Hey Chuck,

Woe is what we're here for, at least in part anyway. If all we ever posted was the good times and our success stories in recovery then MS would not be effecient nor would it be the valuable resource that it is.

In sharing our pain, our difficulties and our confusion with other male survivors we are not only helping ourselves sort through our personal issues, but we are also contributing to the well-being of others by showing them that they are not alone in having the feelings that we express.

Many of us would like to only show our good side, tell the positive sounding things believing that that would be the most beneficial to all when the truth is that often-times when a guy is feeling down what he wants and needs is to be understood above being encouraged to believe that there is better to come.

When we 'subject others to our woe' that in itself is a form of encouragement - it tells oanother that what he is experiencing is not so uncommon after all and that there is really nothing wrong with him, after here is this other survivor saying exactly what I too feel.

So, woe away, Chuck - that's what we're here for.
 

oldguy

Registrant
Hi, we celebrated our 57th wedding anniversary this month. I wasn't sure we were going to make it past the first one. About 20 years ago my wife came to the realization that she had been abused sexually as a child. My years of using abusive sexual fantasies led me (finally) to my CSA and about 3 months ago I decided to do what I could to recover. I'm positive that amy fantasies are a result of my CSA. I decided to never use them again and so far I've been able to stick to that. We've come close to divorce or separation a number of times. I think that CSA in a way brought us together and now it's time to recover and enjoy what's left of life. Take care, Oldguy
 
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