"...what if I'm gay?"

"...what if I'm gay?"
melliferal

melliferal

Registrant
There was a homosexual component to some of my abuse. I was 10/11 at the time, and the concepts of "hetero/homosexuality" didn't exist in my brain back then, so during the incidents in question it never occurred to me that I was doing "gay stuff" that so-called "normal people" shouldn't be doing. Hell, as far as I was concerned sex -period- was something I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing. So even when the abuse ended and the months marched on, and I started having to deal with the fact that I was abused (denial - works a charm), I didn't worry about the "gay" part of it.

As I got into my mid-teens, being "gay" became more and more obviously verboten. One of the words insults kids could hurl at each other was "gay" (or the various synonyms thereof, of course). Another thing that I noticed is that most boys my age were simply OBSESSING over having sex with girls. There's no other word for it. It's all they thought of, all day long. Me, I was attracted to girls - but I didn't have the overwhelming sex drive of my companions. I even had a few crushes, but I didn't dream night and day of tumbling. It occurred to me that since I seemed to be absolutely singular in this regard, maybe I was gay...

...which led me to stop ignoring my abuse and consider it for a bit. I never ever "forgot" about what had happened to me, I had just stopped actively thinking about it. But I remembered that some of the things which happened could by no means not be considered "gay". This worried me. To tell from the talk, there was something very wrong with being gay - was I a freak, because of what I did? If there was ever a time when I decided confidently that I would never disclose the abuse, ever, that was most definitely it. However, I didn't brood over whether I was gay or not. I decided to, like the abuse itself, simply ignore the problem and hope it would never matter.

Nowadays I understand that I am heterosexual; that what I did when I was too young to understand what was happening does not make me "gay", and am no longer threatened by it. I understand that my near lack of sex drive is an artifact of my initial reaction to conceding that I was abused, and has nothing to do with sexual orientation. I've also progressed into the 21st century like much of the world, and my mind has matured; and I understand that being gay doesn't make one a freak, or abnormal. I understand that it does make one a target for all sorts of vileness, and that is something I don't like at all.

I'm curious, though. How many others here, both gay and straight, have struggled with this particular problem? How did you end up dealing with it? As I said, my way was simply ignoring the problem and hoping it wouldn't matter - but I wouldn't recommend that as a way of dealing with it. What would you recommend, to a person who may be working on this issue right now?
 
I dont recommend anything, never try to do that, it is for people with qualifications to do.
Just for the record, I and most of us went through the same shameful episode of feeling we may be gay.

I too was attracted to girls, but just felt worthless and dirty to do much with them.
My pals always had a steady girl, so it made me "the odd one out"! Subject I am sure to a lot of back talking.

I always was the odd one out, so guess I grew up to be expected to accept it.
God, what I would not have done to just live some life of near normality.

Just getting back to boys as teens, yes, they must mostly question their sexuality, because it is a time of much change and jealousy etc.

It is a time of experimentation for most of them, so no, you were never the odd one.
Its just that we thought we were, because we did not know anything else,

ste
 
Melliferal,

You are surely not alone in what you experienced, wondering if you are gay. Unlike you, I worried about it, figured I was, knew I was, decided I wasn't, and then did it all over again in an endless cycle.

Eventually I began repressing all of the memories including my sexuality issues. This began when I was around 20 years old. I married, and raised a daughter who in now 22.

Coming up on 3 years ago now all the memories began to flood back including the sexuality issues. Since that time, I have decided that I just "Am". Forget the bloomin' labels. I love my wife and daughter and would never do anything to ruin what I have. I wouldn't do it with a male or female. I made vows to be faithful and that's that. I enjoy my relationship with the woman I love, and that includes sex. I choose to cherish that to the exclusion of all others, just as my vows say.

Excellent thread topic. Thanks.

Lots of love,

John
 
Melliferal,

I can only second what John has said. I went through all the doubts and fears as I came out of denial, but fortunately I was able to keep myself focused on what was important to me...my family. I would not want to risk that for the world.

Ultimately, however, I think that each of us has to resolve our issues over our sexual identity according to three criteria: 1) Am I being totally honest with myself about my sexuality? 2) Am I being responsible in my sexual relations with other people?, and 3) Am I sexually fulfilled? If I can honestly answer yes to all three questions then I should be okay. If I have doubts, however, then there remains work for me to do.

Much love,
Larry
 
I worried more about people thinking I would turn out gay, like you said, in highschool being gay was the greatest insult to deliver in the manly groups I hung out in. I always wondered if my secret had leaked out, did they know what happened to me at age 9. And I tried to make sure I looked and acted more manly than humanly possible and that screwed up my life big time. I worked out daily to get bigger than life and it just did not work. I bought big trucks when I really wanted a MGB midget. I could not do it, my manly man would not let me buy it. I am married with three children and I do not like the male body, I love women but I was scared that one day the bottom would fall out and I would all of the sudden start liking men, it never happenned.
 
Melliferal, the point that you start with I think deserves comment:

There was a homosexual component to some of my abuse.
Click to expand...
Apart from the fact that there is nothing wrong with being gay, if that is a guy's sexuality, it's worth reminding ourselves that abuse of a boy by a man is about power, not homosexuality. Most abusers would say they are heterosexual. What turns them on about abusing a child is the sense of utter and complete power they have over their victim.

It's natural for us to worry about being "turned gay" by abuse; I certainly did. But I hope it will help others to keep in mind that abuse isn't about sexuality. It's a predatory crime by a powertripper against an innocent child.

Much love,
Larry
 
I have been left with sexual confusion in my life. But as I work on recovery my sexuality becomes more clear. As I accept my fantasies and explore them I realize that all the confusion was just my attempt to heal. And in trusting myself I've explored deeper meanings of my life.

One thing I'm only coming to understand is that I was just a child. I have a hard time separating fantasy from memory and knowing how I've used fantasy to springboard off of flash backs to somehow try to make it all better or avoid it. As if somehow I choose what happened (and happens in my mind) to me.

But that always left me confused and irritated. I've started to allow myself to remember and to do what my mind needs to do - and I don't go to fantasy as much, trying to imagine the man I want to be doing me, but I let my mind heal and the memory turns to a catharsis of me destroying him sexually and physically in the way he tried to destroy me - an owning of my sexual power if you will.

I realized that so many things I thought were my "sins" or shortcomings were never mine, they were his, but I took that on myself. I also thought that he had picked me because he knew me or knew something about me that I didn't, saw something in me that I didn't. It was only recently that I realized that he picked me only because I was available - nothing else.

I had to label myself bisexual however, so that I can work with my memories and fantasies without guilt or shame. I have talked with my wife about it and am completely open about my sexual compulsions and confusions. She accepts me completely and I am learning to accept myself.

The other thing that always left me feeling confused is when I couldn't maintain or achieve erections at times with my wife. I have come to understand and experience the memory of how sometimes sex makes me dissociate. In the past I'd turn to my compulsions to try to feel again, but somehow I couldn't feel and my fantasies would drive me even further from feeling.

I have begun to understand my dissociation in context of the abuse and that it has nothing to do with sexual desire or attraction. I also allow myself to feel what my feelings are really about. And the feelings from the abuse are much worse than the confusion of sexuality. I don't use that confusion as much anymore as another way to mask the feelings (to deny or not feel) of shame, guilt, filth, vulnerability, etc. I feel those feelings and see more deeply who I am.

When I face my confusion and accept it for what it is I find that it is only a sign that I am remembering and from there I don't try to run away or deny anymore. I just sit with it and feel. And it sucks, but as my T said - I'm becoming healthy.

I sometimes feel when posting like I'm falling short of giving advice or recommendations - but I really have none for you. I am thankful though because your post has allowed me to reexamine and restate what I've experienced and know that we are not alone. Just people reacting in human ways.
 
I wonder what was "wrong" with me me for a long time. I did not have a sex drive it was totally absent. As a teeneager I never felt like I was good enough for anyone. I would see my friends become couples and wonder who would want to be with me. I think that missing that whole period to socialize and date just made me feel worse. I would go out to the bar and think I would like to kiss her but then would quickly think "she will never settle for you". When I started going to therapy in 92 I finally had feelings associateted with puberty. It took me several years after that to but together the emotional pieces of what abuse does to you. It is only now that I realize how I put myself down and how isolated myself from people. I use to cry as a teenager when people would fight but it really was not my loss but now I cry when I realize how much the abuse impacted my life. The other day I was driveing and talking to myself. I was saying to sucks you are not married...you do not have any kids....you have no money saved but in a instant I realized that my life had been altered when I was abused as a kid. My life would never be like some of my friends but I had the potential to create a life that had a unique meaning for me. I can get married. I can have kids. I can stop being depressed.
 
I gess my sex drive is totally suppressed by anti-depressant drugs.
I have to be on them, so I have no choice.

I hate having to take drugs, I really do, but guess I must, but I dont know where they are taking me, on this trip,

ste
 
I take plaxil (I think that is how you spell it). My doctor has not asked me a long time about about my sex drive but she used to ask "if I was having sexual side' effects. I do not know how to answer that one because I did not have sexual feelings until I started therapy at age 32. When I read your post maybe it something I should ask my doctor about...often we do not know what we are missing until we talk with others.
 
Jaay,

When your doctor asks if you are having sexual side effects she may mean does the medication interfere with getting an erection or achieving orgasm.

Much love,
Larry
 
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