What if I were loved?
I was startled awake by noise at 2:30am. My wife, disgruntled, kicked my house slippers down the stairs. It made a loud noise and a bit of a crash as they bumped a floor-stand lamp at the bottom. This kind of middle night, disruption has gone on with her for our whole marriage.
I'm sure it's her anger at me, about a text I sent her from work last night. I was triggered by the authoritarian dictate from our new manager that I cross train where I will refuse! I would rather quit than do that! I texted I was triggered, and it was the authoritarian dictate that caused it. Later, she responded that I get over it, and not "wimp out"!
So, emasculating, non validating response also triggered me, but she claimed being triggered, because I shouldn't use the word "trigger". No, she's the one under the thumb of abuse and authority! She is a target of others messing with her, because she's foreign... YES, she's correct! I have often listened, validated, empathized and shared my concern for her feelings and wellbeing. I know she has issues, unpleasant interactions and is targeted on occasion. However, I validate her, but for me, she throws it in my face. Then compounds it with aggression anger, throwing my things!
A long time practice by her! Like I had best not be so prone to reaction, so needy to comment about my fear or concerns!
My turmoil now compounded by high impact adrenaline at 2:30am. I'm angry, but quiet, so not to wake our son by arguing. It'll be shouting! She escalates anything I want to seek correction on, turns it back at me, so, I must acquiesce and submit to her need as the targeted foreigner. A women, a victim of so much villainy toward herself. And yet, that's partly true. She, we, I have seen, witnessed how some stranger/authority exchanges demean her as a woman, and foreign born. I know her dilemna, and it impacts her aggressive responses to my weaknesses! It's like, I have to take her shit, because... poor her, she's always victim of others authority!
This dynamic has wreaked havoc on me! It's ruined countless nights sleep! My health, both physical and mental are put in peril. I offer comfort and succor toward her descriptions of being unfairly treated. I validate and empathize, but she attacks me and traumatizes me if it's my need.
I have never wrote this out before... Maybe talked about it twice in the 32 years it's been an ongoing trauma. No one cares, no one to tell, it's a big reason why I smoked so much pot, and drank. It has been the number one reason my thinking goes to considering giving up nearing 17 years of sobriety, two months away! I won't, that I can see, tempted as I want to be to succumb to oblivion, my son pops in my head.
Every day, I deal with physical pain. My knee, into my hip joint! Arthritis attacks! Stress and adrenaline the exact opposite of how I will get to manageable health! 3 decades, my health near ruin, and my emotions edgy, but, my mind is fighting! I've a thread bare footing, raw, angry, barely holding sanity and coherent thought! My new boss a source of anger, a conflict toward which my near future interests need avoid. And here I tap on my phone, to seek some comforting compassion I can't get at home!
And this is partly why I cry... No love for me, not when I grew up, not now. It breaks me. I need love so badly. That love, where a woman, my partner would want to cuddle or hug, to want to express affection. Instead, I get emasculated and traumatized!
Don't tell me to leave, it won't help. I just need compassion. I'm asking, tell me I can make it. Soon, I can work again, home school ends in June. I can decide what to do when I have a job. I hurt physically and mentally/emotionally. I'm trapped by circumstances to take care of our son.
Will June end this? No, I won't make enough to save and leave. I'll have to save, find a way after I have the job. It might take a while? Can I take it much longer? Yuh see, no one to talk to, and I'm going to talk right out in public here! To hell with privacy! I don't get to talk about this stuff! Well that's ending! I'm going to!
I'm sure it's her anger at me, about a text I sent her from work last night. I was triggered by the authoritarian dictate from our new manager that I cross train where I will refuse! I would rather quit than do that! I texted I was triggered, and it was the authoritarian dictate that caused it. Later, she responded that I get over it, and not "wimp out"!
So, emasculating, non validating response also triggered me, but she claimed being triggered, because I shouldn't use the word "trigger". No, she's the one under the thumb of abuse and authority! She is a target of others messing with her, because she's foreign... YES, she's correct! I have often listened, validated, empathized and shared my concern for her feelings and wellbeing. I know she has issues, unpleasant interactions and is targeted on occasion. However, I validate her, but for me, she throws it in my face. Then compounds it with aggression anger, throwing my things!
A long time practice by her! Like I had best not be so prone to reaction, so needy to comment about my fear or concerns!
My turmoil now compounded by high impact adrenaline at 2:30am. I'm angry, but quiet, so not to wake our son by arguing. It'll be shouting! She escalates anything I want to seek correction on, turns it back at me, so, I must acquiesce and submit to her need as the targeted foreigner. A women, a victim of so much villainy toward herself. And yet, that's partly true. She, we, I have seen, witnessed how some stranger/authority exchanges demean her as a woman, and foreign born. I know her dilemna, and it impacts her aggressive responses to my weaknesses! It's like, I have to take her shit, because... poor her, she's always victim of others authority!
This dynamic has wreaked havoc on me! It's ruined countless nights sleep! My health, both physical and mental are put in peril. I offer comfort and succor toward her descriptions of being unfairly treated. I validate and empathize, but she attacks me and traumatizes me if it's my need.
I have never wrote this out before... Maybe talked about it twice in the 32 years it's been an ongoing trauma. No one cares, no one to tell, it's a big reason why I smoked so much pot, and drank. It has been the number one reason my thinking goes to considering giving up nearing 17 years of sobriety, two months away! I won't, that I can see, tempted as I want to be to succumb to oblivion, my son pops in my head.
Every day, I deal with physical pain. My knee, into my hip joint! Arthritis attacks! Stress and adrenaline the exact opposite of how I will get to manageable health! 3 decades, my health near ruin, and my emotions edgy, but, my mind is fighting! I've a thread bare footing, raw, angry, barely holding sanity and coherent thought! My new boss a source of anger, a conflict toward which my near future interests need avoid. And here I tap on my phone, to seek some comforting compassion I can't get at home!
And this is partly why I cry... No love for me, not when I grew up, not now. It breaks me. I need love so badly. That love, where a woman, my partner would want to cuddle or hug, to want to express affection. Instead, I get emasculated and traumatized!
Don't tell me to leave, it won't help. I just need compassion. I'm asking, tell me I can make it. Soon, I can work again, home school ends in June. I can decide what to do when I have a job. I hurt physically and mentally/emotionally. I'm trapped by circumstances to take care of our son.
Will June end this? No, I won't make enough to save and leave. I'll have to save, find a way after I have the job. It might take a while? Can I take it much longer? Yuh see, no one to talk to, and I'm going to talk right out in public here! To hell with privacy! I don't get to talk about this stuff! Well that's ending! I'm going to!
