What if I see him again? (TRIGGERS!)

[crisispoint]

I just put my finger on something that has been bothering me for a few days.

I don't know if my abuser is alive or dead, and something made me think, "what if I see him again?" God help me, I don't know the answer to that question. As rotten as this sounds, I wish he was dead and facing judgment from whatever Almighty takes care of this planet (if He/She does). But what if he isn't? What if he's around where I live? I still live near my home town. What if he's still local?

I'm still afraid of him, even though I'm a man now and he's an old man who can't hurt me anymore. I saw someone who looks like he did when I was a child at a store abd just freaked out. What if I do the opposite and attack him? And, even though I don't remember this being part of what he did to me, what if he took pictures? What if he still fantacizes about what he did to me? What if I'm floating around some kiddieporn mags or web sites?

God, the questions scared me half to death last night while I tried to sleep. I don't know the answers, but these thoughts are scary enough.

Anyone who has answers, please tell me.

Scot

 

[Sinking]

Hi Scot - Pretty scary thoughts and rightly so. I actually did see one of my abusers recently. I knew I was going to because I was attending a preliminary hearing at the courthouse because he'd filed a harassment suit against me for calling him...so I was, on some level, prepared.

When he walked in I recognized him immediately, not because he looked anything like he did 30 years ago, but because he was with his boyfriend and I had seen a pic of his boyfriend on the internet while doing my research in an attempt to find him and confront him. So my first guess is, you would not recognize him and he would not recognize you. If I recall your story, the abuse took place more than 20 years ago, there is a lot of change in physical appearance that takes place over the much time.

When he did come into the room where I was meeting with my attorney, I told my attorney that he was there. My attorney asked if I wanted to leave. I said no, despite the fact that I was practically shaking, palms sweating and near tears. I should mention that that particular week was, so far, my worst as far as emotions, fears, memories, lack of sleep, etc. were concerned.

Being sued by my abuser for doing nothing more than calling him to get some sort of explanation and then calling him again, at his request, because he could not speak the first time, was a mind-blowing thing to go through.

He was intimidating me all over again, manipulating me still through the power of a lawsuit and restraining order, he put the fear in me all over again and reinstilled the guilt by having me treated like a criminal.

Anyway, I stood my ground and was very proud of doing so. You are right when you say you are a man now and a man who has gained a great deal of strength over the last few months. Even if you did see him and you recognized eachother, trust me when I tell you that he would be much more fearful of you than you would be of him. You now know that what he did was wrong, that NOTHING you did was wrong. You know this, keep it with you at all times!

We share the feelings of fear, you and I. I don't know where it comes from but I always feel like he's watching me. My mind knows this is irrational but my heart is in a different place. Of course he is not watching me, in fact, he has shown his fear of me by filing the suit and obtaining the restraining order. I never threatened him or demanded anything of him except for an explanation and for him to be accountable for what he did and for how it has affected my life. But he was scared, still is. I do get some sort of gratification from that. He is a coward, they are all cowards. They prey on the most vulnerable because they are weak cowards. Let's try not to fear them any longer. In fact I would welcome the chance to see him again, to stare him down, to win.

What if he fantasizes about you? Who knows? Only he does. You'll never know, you don't need to know. Don't agonize about the things you cannot change. As far as the pictures go, I remember a very vivid description you gave about what happened to you. Your details were painful for me. But it's the details you recall that lead me to believe no pictures were ever taken, you'd remember. Again, don't agonize about something you cannot change, about something that is only speculation. Keep that in mind when you can't sleep at night or when the panic sets in. You are working on changing the things that are within your power to change, that is all you can do and you are doing it with passion. Keep it up. Don't let him hurt you anymore...you're on your way.
Peace.

 

[Leosha]

Hey Scot,

I can relate some to what you are thinking, and how you are feeling. With my father, I will occasionally think, 'wow, I don't even know if he is alive or dead now'. (Then the bastard will call me, and remove the doubt). With the coach, I still saw him frequently while I was still competing. But, I only started dealing with all this crap in the last six months, and since then, have seen him at several competitions, and confronted him once. The following day he assaulted me again.

I saw him again just last weekend, while with my student at his competition. Again, the panic comes up, not just for me, but for student also. I was able to mostly avoid him. Once, he made attempt to grab at me. Once, he came close enough to my student and friend that Androsh started yelling and cursing at him. But for most part, this time, he kept distant, I think afraid that we now have power of him (so I try to tell myself).

To not know if he is alvie or not, that would be more difficult. I think that, if you are with therapist, perhaps you could do the 'role play' thing, to practice some how you would deal with and react if he were still around? And then practice it some, so that it becomes second nature to you to respond in such a way. Then you would be less taken by surprise, and have some mental/emotional preparedness for it?

I am not a therapist of course (yes, I know, no kidding!) I am sure there are others here with more experience then me who could give you better advice. I just wish you well, and wish you safety and peace of mind.

Leosha