What I told my kids TRIGGER WARNING

[focusedbody]

What I told my kids (and what I might tell their mom) TRIGGER WARNING

When my daughter was a little over 2 years old, she needed some comfort from me. Her Mom and I had separated and she was at my house. I felt that I wanted to open up everything I had for her. I opened my arms and held her. Then I wanted to let her go.

She wouldnt let go. I understood that. Then she started burying her face in my neck. It started to get uncomfortable. Not because I didnt love her. Not because I didnt want her to feel me. It was because that was what my own mother would do to me. Bury her face in my neck whether I liked it or not.
I told my daughter to let go again. She wouldnt.

It started to get unbearable. I told her she had to let go. She wouldnt and stayed in the same place in my neck. I told her she had to let go again. She wouldnt.

The next thing that happened is something Im not proud of. A rage from deep within grew and grew. I yanked her off of me. I felt the rage of not being heard. The rage of asking my mother to do something about this twenty years ago and her not getting it. I held my daughter high in the air and screamed and dropped her on the couch.

As I watched her, I saw her eyes glaze over. I sat nearby and cried. I told her I was sorry.

Since then, any time I get too angry, I call it my scary mad. I take my own time out. Since then, whenever she wanted to hold me, it was okay, for as long as she wanted to. Burying her face in my neck is okay (and for her twin brother too). They know that with their whole bodies and beings.

A few days ago, it started happening again. The cycle reoccurred because their mom always goes through a hard time when we visit her own father, who left her when she was two. The kids appear to need me more during these times. During a conversation with them about how we need to trust and listen to each other (they are now almost six), my daughter collapsed her body and buried it in me. I guess she wanted more than words from me at that moment. Unfortunately, I recoiled and hissed at her. My scary mad.

The next thing I did was move to a different part of the room and asked her to come to me for a hug again. Then I told her that this would be the plan from now on. If I ever did get scary mad when she needed a hug, all she had to do was to wait for me to move to a different part of the room and ask again. I could promise that it would be okay.

In my own therapy, I am working on what is going on in my nervous system at these moments. The awareness is growing. However, it does so at its own pace, which is not necessarily the pace that my children might need. So when they then asked me why I had to do this extra thing with them when I get mad, and when I get afraid of my own anger, this is what I told them.

I said that when I was very young, someone hurt me. They asked how. I said that someone made something more important to them than it was to me.

What was interesting was that that was enough. They seemed to understand. They seemed to get this was all about trust and that Daddy knew that this was the case. It felt good to be doing something about it. It felt good to connect my younger self with their younger selves, even as my adult awareness asked for space.

Would love to hear from anyone with similar trials in addressing their kids.

Would also love to hear from anyone who also had to tell their spouse (or ex-spouse) what they told the kids. Thats going to be my next step. I think.

FB

 

[kcinohio]

Sounds like you are finding how to share with them without making it too complicated, keeping boundaries when your process is overwhelming, and living your own life with your relationship with your kids, so good work. That's outside my experience, but I'm glad you are finding your way navigating through that so healthily.

 

[Still]

I said that someone made something more important to them than it was to me.

That is the quote of the week!
This is the tool of the week!

Would love to hear from anyone with similar trials in addressing their kids.

Regarding this: I lost ALL control over this...this literal 'life-and-death' aspect to my fatherhood.

My ex-wife and her attorney went psycho-vicious on me by mercilessly exploiting my CSA, PTSD and Depression. The ex deliberately spread the word around town that I was a CSA victim as a child and thus a hazard to the community and children in general. I feel no need to defend myself beyond saying that its a blatant lie. She knew she could exploit the myths and she did.

Now, this town is tiny. There are tons of kids at the ages of my kids. Adults/parents who knew me well fled from the issue and me. Those parents whom I never even met, had no reason to not believe her.

What do parents tell their kids when there's a rattlesnake in the yard? Well, they did the same thing with regard to me. ME...the guy who was considered an intensely awesome dad by neighbors and my kids.

So then my kids are told all this crap through the (now 3rd level) kiddy grapevine. THAT is how I handled this stuff with my kids. I lost my control over my most vital issue in my life.

Side-Note: May God please strike-down those who do these things to survivors.

The attorney was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer just a couple of days after she filed a Fam Court Complaint that was jammed full of lies and made-up garbage. She died a LONG, horrid and torturous death! Thank you God!

Oh! And: I was doing a project with my kids. One of their friend's came over and began to help us. The kids asked me "hey! weren't you raped or something as a kid?"

So that's how this stuff can manifest once activated. But I AM genuinely use to being forced to eat shit-sandwiches. Been doing it all my life. So if it has to happen to someone, I can take it.

 

[don64]

Hi FB,

I really do believe as I change myself, I change the world. In the spirit of that, you are changing your own experience with your memories by being honest with your children, and by setting healthy limits for yourself in regard to them. And, as you do that, you teach your children how to develop healthy limits for themselves, something not available for you as a child. This feels oh so healthy to me.

Congratulations on interrupting the generational cycle. Pretty sophisticated work.

Don