Disclosing Abuse What I thought vs what is starting to come out

[raffa_will_fight]

“trigger hunter”
This is what is started to call myself. Scanning through post, comment and stories to look for physical reactions of my body, and now understanding that it’s not the sick excitement I believed it was, but a sign of my body intercepting something it knows. A way to tell me that there is something I should look into and elaborate.
This is what makes me ask gross questions, give detailed and graphic explanations, share intimate thoughts I have nowhere to share. Because they feel weird even to myself.

And I got what I was looking for. Amazing people understanding me, sharing their parts with me, not being grossed out when I ask details of very very intimate stuff. Quick reminder: I will NEVER judge anything or anyone. No one should feel right to do that.

And I got the triggers I was looking for. Who started a chain reaction of flashbacks and memories I had the sensation of maybe being there surfacing. Gradually. And sometimes hiding again when it gets too much.
But I was not at all ready to have everything change so drastically. I came here with confidence sharing my three abuses: uncle, teenagers, rape. The first vivid, at least the first time, the second and third foggy to one point and then blank.
The first is probably the longest one, the memory of my sticky hand suggests a wet orgasm.
The rape at 18, except the feeling of the blade in my throat, is almost “accepted” because a friend told me “it’s your fault if you drink that much”.
The second I know was one time, probably a little rough. “They’re boys”, you know? Then the latest flashback and memory of the smell of dirt, and teenager’s lack of hygiene, and ass, and probably the awareness of using it to humiliate me.
And after reading a post of consequences and symptoms of abuse, some experiences and connections made to phobias felt like a kick in the stomach. It triggers moments of that day, of the things those two did. I get somatic flashbacks (thanks for teaching me about this term and giving it a name). I have them through the day: a feeling on the tongue, a taste in my mouth, a smell in my nose (and costumers seeing my reaction and helping me to find “that thing” that I think I smell”-makes me feel a little crazy).
The images are gross. Not very clear but disturbingly strong. I want to give myself the benefit of doubt, but I guess it’s more like hoping I just try to fill in the blanks. And BANG, another stranger taste and smell pull me back from hoping too much.
I will need to get this out as soon as it becomes clear. And i apologise in advance.

What is most confusing is that the abuse I thought was not that important because it happened just once, possibly turns out to be that money that changes my whole perception of sexuality, the human body, my view as sexual partner, my likes and dislikes and could’ve the reason behind my mind seeing sexual things constantly around. All the time. Even if the possibility should feel like a goal I have reached, the sensations elaborating and discovering the causes of “me” are… much.

 

[traveler]

“trigger hunter”
This is what is started to call myself. Scanning through post, comment and stories to look for physical reactions of my body, and now understanding that it’s not the sick excitement I believed it was, but a sign of my body intercepting something it knows. A way to tell me that there is something I should look into and elaborate.
This is what makes me ask gross questions, give detailed and graphic explanations, share intimate thoughts I have nowhere to share. Because they feel weird even to myself.

Hey, raffa_will_fight

I just noticed this post and that no one had responded. Let me put that right.

I have never gone hunting for triggers, but I quit fighting them and trying to avoid them when I realized that they were like signposts directing me toward or keys unlocking memories that had previously remained hidden in my subconscious. After several triggers led to actual flashbacks, I found that though the experiences were unpleasant, the results were that I was able to regain parts of my past that might not have surfaced otherwise or might have taken much longer to reveal themselves.

So - yeah, I think you are on the right track with this idea. That acceptance also seemed to lessen the degree of fear associated with triggers and flashbacks and sort of allow me to gain a little hint of objectivity so that while I was in the throes of the trigger, I was also able to simultaneously distance myself and observe it from outside - almost like dissociation.

I wish you well in you further explorations.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Thank you traveler! I am getting the hang of how this places works, some posts are seen, some are less, and time difference is a factor as well, I guess
it’s the same for me. Some memories are unsettling, some give me very VERY strong reactions that I really do not like and it takes some time to read it for what it is. The fact my T is “there” if I need guidance helps a lot, and your guys do as well. I told him that for the moment I need to do this as much as possible on my own, at least until I have a better view on what the situation was. Like I said… it is getting scary. But I have really awesome people here I can share with.

That acceptance also seemed to lessen the degree of fear associated with triggers and flashbacks and sort of allow me to gain a little hint of objectivity so that while I was in the throes of the trigger, I was also able to simultaneously distance myself and observe it from outside - almost like dissociation.

This, 100%! My issue of not being able to connect emotionally to the trauma is in some kind a blessing as well, because for the worst details it gives me the needed distance to view it like it was someone else’s memory, analysing the situation for exactly what it was, not for how it made me feel. That will be… interesting to get to though
My brain is master in dissociating, but he’s starting to play hide&show&hide with me, and is pretty great in knowing what when how I can handle.
Thank you again for responding!

 

[LittleSteve]

I processed stuff quite a bit differently than most everybody else, but what I found is for me I don’t want to avoid those triggers because that’s part of the story and they’re not always convenient and obviously they can bring a bad memories, but if I wouldn’t get on with my healing, I need to get through those because if for example, I got triggered watching somebody walk their dog. It’s gonna happen sooner or later, so why not face it and get it out of the way. At least that’s the way I see it so I don’t actively hunt for them, but I certainly don’t avoid them.

 

[Youngtrumpet]

I am getting the hang of how this places works, some posts are seen, some are less, and time difference is a factor as well

I feel bad I didn’t respond. I know the feeling when you say something on MS and then it feels like silence - like what is wrong with me.
Fact is I tend to be slow at processing all this trauma stuff.
I read everything you have posted and a lot of what you post gets me to thinking. And then I think and process and think and process some more. All of it seems to help me get through this.
So I am trying to tell you raffa that I hear you and appreciate you and your journey. But I don’t always know what to say. And most often others like traveler and little Steve are so much better at communicating.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I need to get through those because if for example, I got triggered watching somebody walk their dog. It’s gonna happen sooner or later, so why not face it and get it out of the way. At least that’s the way I see it so I don’t actively hunt for them, but I certainly don’t avoid them.

This is a great example of how I feel as well. It took me some time, just to be honest. One reason of the continuous changes of therapists was that every time an issue led to old memories (most of them, looking back) I quit. I just needed time. And after my last psychologist, after our last session, said “I can not help you if you keep blocking your self”, after a year of that sentence, some kind of switch happened. This young therapist understood the way my mind keeps being in my way, the way I unconsciously manipulated it and changed my story.
And now I just want to know. I am curious to see how this person of 45 years was made. What is behind all the stuff I say and weird things I do and like. And I want to be gentle while doing it, like I am with a friend. I have time to do this. But I also try to give me that “parental” push when I am stuck. And that’s is what my “hunting” is. It’s a way to trick my “gaslighting myself”.
Makes me feel weak and vulnerable some times, especially when I need to function in society, because me mind is set to do THIS now. But it also feel good, because I do it for this little boy and myself.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I feel bad I didn’t respond. I know the feeling when you say something on MS and then it feels like silence - like what is wrong with me.
Fact is I tend to be slow at processing all this trauma stuff.
I read everything you have posted and a lot of what you post gets me to thinking. And then I think and process and think and process some more. All of it seems to help me get through this.
So I am trying to tell you raffa that I hear you and appreciate you and your journey. But I don’t always know what to say. And most often others like traveler and little Steve are so much better at communicating.

Now I feel bad. This was in now way my intention to make someone feel bad! I swear, you have absolutely no reason to apologise.
I am still kind of new here. In the beginning I was looking for validation and… I don’t know. Pity? That is kind of sad
But I feel heard, I feel seen, people write in DM, and some do not. This made me feel actually more free to keep expressing myself how I feel I need to, to do the right think for me. I started to write down new flashbacks and reactions to have them in a safe place I can go back to read. Like: if I write it down, for people to see, it’s already a validation. And a way to read it back and start to believe in myself. To listen to myself.
Thank you for understanding though, I really appreciate your post. Like a friend once told me: “you do you”
And actually you knew what to say, because you felt to say something. Do never feel pressured because that little voice in your head makes you feel guilty. (easier to say to others than do it myself )

I read everything you have posted and a lot of what you post gets me to thinking. And then I think and process and think and process some more. All of it seems to help me get through this.

This means the world to me. Thank you