What I now remember **TRIGGER WARNING**

What I now remember **TRIGGER WARNING**
H

Healing light

Registrant
I don't really place how old I was exactly 5/6 maybe there was this man he was tall I didn't know him didn't want to go near him but there was just me and him in the room my uncle had gone out the door , it was our room at the cabin I wanted him to go out the room but didn't tell him and he picked up my rabbit that was mine my father gave me that and I'm not allowed to loss it , wanted to say give it back he said something but I don't understand him , I froze he was definitely a stranger one of them that won't understand me , one of the ones my father said would happily take me away , when I tried to talk to the shop lady who smiled alot I didn't want her to take me away.
And I certainly didn't want this man too
He held out the rabbit so I went to take it but he moved it closer to him so I went closer , then he was touching my hair , people did that didn't like it but my sister's always played with it , then he were touching me other places I was holding rabbit but I dropped him I couldn't reach him , the man just held me tighter as I wriggled to try and reach it , I didn't understand what he was doing for the first time I spoke in my mother tongue I said please stop for a moment I thought he had understood but he didn't he picked up the rabbit at pushed it at me and carried on
I have a block at this point until I remember crying on the bed with the rabbits ears over my eyes still terrified he was going to take me away and a fellow survivor ( co abused ) covering me with a blanket and then getting in bed beside me and singing a song some of the lyrics in English are
" As the sunsets and the days at an end
The moon becomes a travellers friend
Upon the road we ride
The moon will shine it's light
Travel peacefully on and on "

He made me feel better

To this day I have no idea who that man was.


Peace
HL
 
So sorry HL. It is painful remembering but in a way it is also liberating. Living with confusion, bewilderment over what might have happened that led to so much pain is a hell realm itself. Finally getting a glimpse into what did happen, even re-imagining the horror of it, at least for me sets my mind at rest. It was not my fault but it did happen. My pain is real. My terror is real. And now we have the chance to put it all behind us. THIS is what the healing journey is all about... truth telling, self compassion... learning to care for ourselves. "Travel peacefully on and on" my friend.
 
Thanks you I appreciate your post

I know there's things I don't remember but I don't tend to look for it , with trying to deal with what I do remember that said each thing I do explains why I react to certain things in certain ways
Maybe I will gain more understanding of my inner childs over time

I angry for the little boy I was.

Thanks again
Peace
HL
 
I was never able to express my rage, but it was there, beneath the surface. It came out occasionally, a fist through a window, a potted plant thrown across the room, standing at a work bench with a hammer wailing away as hard as I could on the wooden surface... and then the angry driver, pushing traffic all the time, frustrated with delays. Or it came out with passive aggressive behavior toward people around me, snide remarks presented as a joke that actually put people down. I understand it all now... I was overwhelmed and angry, filled with fear and had no place to put it, no one to share with... until I finally shared with a therapist years ago. But it has taken over thirty years to unpack it all and I doubt I'm finished yet...

But now I have MaleSurvivor.org and all the men hanging out here who put a premium on telling the truth and looking for healthier responses to the painful feelings. We really can support one another HL. Thanks for making your contributions to the conversation.
 
Im angry with my father , never brought to justice for letting his brother do what he done , and I'm angry with my uncle who could never take responsibility for his actions and played the victim when convicted of child exploitation " my client asks for mercy in sentence due too ill health " for real he wanted mercy after showing none
He left me with that man and others to be abused. He groomed us to comply and need him even want him and love him
Visitor said:
I was never able to express my rage, but it was there, beneath the surface. It came out occasionally, a fist through a window, a potted plant thrown across the room, standing at a work bench with a hammer wailing away as hard as I could on the wooden surface... and then the angry driver, pushing traffic all the time, frustrated with delays. Or it came out with passive aggressive behavior toward people around me, snide remarks presented as a joke that actually put people down. I understand it all now... I was overwhelmed and angry, filled with fear and had no place to put it, no one to share with... until I finally shared with a therapist years ago. But it has taken over thirty years to unpack it all and I doubt I'm finished yet...

But now I have MaleSurvivor.org and all the men hanging out here who put a premium on telling the truth and looking for healthier responses to the painful feelings. We really can support one another HL. Thanks for making your contributions to the conversation.
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I have expressed and dealt with my anger in all-sorts of crappy ways in the past nowadays I have more of a handle on that ...... We can definitely support each other I agree and that's fantastic thanks you

OnceInnocent said:
My god! I’m so sorry and worried for the little boy that is you and still in there. I wish I could kill that man. I’m so sorry. :oops:
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Thanks you , I wish I knew who he was they don't deserve to get away with the crimes or maybe he didn't I'm not party to all of the police investigation only what I needed to know , I feel for the little boy I was. It enrages me when I look at pictures how could anyone there nor human. There as culpable in the exploitation. My T believes we need to be back here as it may be some of the root of my reckless behaviour so I have emailed her. One day at a time with this one.

I appreciate your posts
Peace
HL
 
My T has put some angles on this one , maybe I'm strong enough now to explore what "little me " faced begin to let some bits go

*****Trigger warning ******

some stuff I have always remembered even though somes hazy some stuff I don't remember and have big blanks on .we were taken off most weekends by my uncle who was meticulous in his grooming of us and those that might stop it
One of my co-abused would sexually and physically assault me numerous times he was unpredictable
The other would become that close we remain "co-dependent" according to professionals something we are working with we do take each other on some jolly ones , when impulsive or overwhelmed

I can be reckless and chase adrenaline he does it too , but since I came down to earth with a literal bumb a few years back when I lost control of a quad and crashed into a river we both woke up a little to our risky behaviours and how much we fuel each other.

So going over all this is something I have avoided doing after all it's so long ago right and we survived , our uncles dead , the police smashed the ring it's all over is it not

Not for the little boy though that lives inside it seems

Peace
HL
OnceInnocent said:
Ur 100% right.
It sounds like a good place to start. Yup, just go slow and u can do this!
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Thanks you for your post , I hope I can do this !
 
I love the phrase you use... "chasing adrenaline..." It describes perfectly the feeling of my acting out episodes. I've no doubt it all stemmed from the abuse which was fraught with heightened feelings... terror with my mother, threats with the perpetrator, all coupled with sexual arousal. It is little wonder that I was running at the edge so much, stealing, lying, risking disease... chasing adrenaline. Boy am I happy I don't do that any longer... that brand of excitement carried so much shame I barely survived it all. So our work is to claim a life we can feel good about, that we will want to share with those whom we love. It is important work to do for all of us HL. All the best to you as you unpack your past and claim your present.
 
Visitor said:
I love the phrase you use... "chasing adrenaline..." It describes perfectly the feeling of my acting out episodes. I've no doubt it all stemmed from the abuse which was fraught with heightened feelings... terror with my mother, threats with the perpetrator, all coupled with sexual arousal. It is little wonder that I was running at the edge so much, stealing, lying, risking disease... chasing adrenaline. Boy am I happy I don't do that any longer... that brand of excitement carried so much shame I barely survived it all. So our work is to claim a life we can feel good about, that we will want to share with those whom we love. It is important work to do for all of us HL. All the best to you as you unpack your past and claim your present.
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Chasing adrenaline describes my acting out so well , mixed in with that was numbing the pain and an element of control (OCD) and addiction
I risked everything, my life , my family unit
And the shame was awful
So glad I woke up
And here I am with one of the many pieces to lay to rest seemingly
I don't want to be back there , any more than I wanted to be the first time

I appreciate your post your right about reclaiming the present I too wish you well in the healing journey

Peace
HL
 
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