what i learned

what i learned
B

batcountry

Registrant
i learned to trust no one and that everyone is out for their own interests. i learned that no one gives a shit about me or anyone else. i learned that people will stab you in the back and use any weakness you have against you. i learned to keep my head down and my eyes and ears open. i learned never to put my guard down unless i wanted to get hurt. i learned that there is no such thing as help. i learned that i was in the way. i learned that if i entered someone's radar they would try to use me. i learned the only way to defend myself was violence. i learned to lie. i learned never to be surprised. i learned to always be prepared for someone to turn on me. i learned that nothing and no one lasts and never, ever to love.

and no matter how much people here try to convince me i am wrong, i can't believe them. i didn't learn all this because someone told me, i learned it through my own eyes and ears, through experience. through all my life. how am i supposed to think this isnt true? everyone i met acted just like me or if they didnt they learned to real quick. it's the world. it's how you survive.

am i wrong? people here seem to think i am. but this is what i learned and as far as im concerned it is how the world works and i havent seen anything to tell me otherwise.
 
As I open up to others with the painful experiences of my life, I learn that everyone is wounded. I've always imagined that everyone else is perfect and together, while I was a mess in the world - portraying on the outside what I thought everyone else was on the inside.

I feel quite alone because I wanted a perfect world for a sense of security, but I'm having to find that in myself by healing my wounds. I've been singing a song lately from Shrek II - "People, They Ain't No Good."

What I'm learning lately is that many of the relationships I'd developed through life were very unhealthy and now I'm trying to meet new people and to be healthy myself, regardless of their wounds. As I'm more honest many of my current relationships are strained and the "dance" has had to change.

Through it all though my wife has shown me that there is unconditional love and support and at least one person in the world with her stuff together. She has walked it all with me and has honored the journey. It is hard to be so intimate at times and I feel vulnerable since she knows everything about me. My wife continues to prove to me that there are people that are honest, caring, and full of love.
 
Know what you mean. Every time I open up and reveal myself to those I trust, I get kicked in the balls and they stand over me laughing.

Pessimism is one of my better qualities, but if I stay in this shit pile, I will drown. I have struggled longer than some of you have been alive. I don't know how I lasted this long, but maybe it's because I have some empathy for my compatriots of the lost brigade who know my feelings of rejection, spit at (not literally) and implied that I am basic low life and big deal I was molested. "Get over it. Don't bother me with incidentals. I'm busy."
Yeah, sure ass hole. But I have this group.

My my, such a positive outlook I have today. Must be the coffee...not enough.
 
Hey, this is what we all feel, let down and re-abused by those we tell of past abuse.

Nobody understands, go away etc.,etc.
I am nobodys teacher in life, but you guys know it, and that is all that matters,

ste
 
try using your head sometime there is a thing in there called a brain it can be very usefull .ms is not about feeling sorry for ourselves its about sharing the pain and sharing any ways we have of coping with said pain. sometimes things we say have a way of comming back to haunt us huh?
 
Hi, I'm new here... I am extremely reluctant to trust anyone with anything, and calculate the risk so I don't stand to lose too much if my trust is abused... but...

So far, most people I've told about my abuse have been ok with it. I've had the odd idiotic reaction -- "So, you're like gay, or what?", or "Hey you should be glad it wasn't worse" (I love that one)... but the reactions have mostly been good. My abusers abused me... they knew what they were doing... but everyone else in my life is trying to get by with theirs, just like me. And I'm not the only one with problems.

Grtz, Unmensch
 
what are you talking about shadowkid? when did i say anything about feeling sorry for myself? i posted something that was on my mind but apparently that isnt ok here?

i already apologized to you about the war thing and i thought we had come to terms about it but apparently not, i guess you like to hold grudges.

i just think everyone misunderstood what i was saying because none of the replies have anything to do with what i said.
 
sorry i missed the apology
 
thanks jacob, for your response. i see what you mean and i guess i didnt think about it like that before...

but i do have a question... how do you tell who are the good people? i just dont think im willing to let myself get hurt and beat around by selfish or cruel people to find the few good ones.
 
thanks jacob. i guess i was hoping there was some other way i didn't know about, but life is never that easy. i guess it is a choice i have to make then, but i think it's already made... because there were too many times i let myself get hurt... and although it hurts to be alone at least it means i cant get hurt by anyone like that. i dont know. its like a choice between 2 different kinds of pain. it sucks.
 
Hi B.C.

You asked an important question. One that I think everyone of us have asked ourselves at some point and are still asking.
i do have a question... how do you tell who are the good people? i just don't think I'm willing to let myself get hurt and beat around by selfish or cruel people to find the few good ones.
Click to expand...
I'll have to agree with Jacob in that I guess we need to come to the place where we are secure enough in ourselves that when someone rejects, or attempts to take advantage of us, we are able to let it slide off and simply say. "Oh well, that's their problem not mine."

Another way of putting it is that in order to make a lifetime friend, we have to be willing to be vulnerable to hurt. Then if we do get hurt we simply move on instead of being destroyed by the hurt.

It's a lot easier for me to say than it is to do, of course, but I think I'm getting there. Hope you can see the progress in your own life as well.

Lots of love,

John
 
I trust you. I was sexually abused by my brother and a close family friend. Do I think that you'll use that against me? Not a chance in hell from what I know about you. I'm willing to take that risk. Not everyone is out there to manipulate us. After what we've learned, we are all smart and strong enough to know who is bullshi''in and who isn't. We are strong. If you feel that way, I understand. However, I am willing to disclose anything about myself that you may be curious about because I trust you. You also are not the only person out there I can trust. It's important not to rob ourselves of the potential trusting relationships we can have. HAVING COURAGE IS THE KEY! Be strong my friend!

Much love,
Jason
 
Originally posted by batcountry:
its like a choice between 2 different kinds of pain. it sucks.
Click to expand...
Well look at it another way. Choosing to be alone guarantees you will be forever in pain. Choosing to trust gives you the chance at peace, but at the risk of pain. What is peace worth to you?
 
nobby that does make sense...

but there is also the fact that im very used to this aloneness pain... it's normal for me. so it doesnt hurt as much as it would if it were new. meaning, it will hurt less than the new pain of trusting people and getting hurt...
 
i have felt this way too... there is no real advice i think anyone can give for feeling like this...

find the happy place inside you batcountry
 
Well, to your question, I think you are wrong. But how it is I could prove it to you? I can not. All I have is my opinion and my experiences, and then I feel you would say I am making it all about me.

I read of what you say, and it feels to me very much of someone in pain, in great pain, even as you feel you are use to it and it do not hurt you so much. I wish there is way to convince you to try to leave that pain behind. But again, I can not do that, because it is only I can by speaking of what work for me. And it seem you do not wish that.

I will say that, for me, something that work is I am seeing more I find what I seek. If I wish to look for the bad of the world, it is very easy to find. But if I decide to make effort to find the good, the happy, the positive, well, that exists also.

VN
 
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