What I Hate

[On The Fringe]

I hate my brothers in pain are still suffering, still hating.

The energy in life lost on hating. It is like dividends of pain on damage done....

I don't like focusing on this topic. It may be exhaling the pain.... But only as much as necessary. It can become morbid reflection. Only the man himself knows.

I hate this is even necessary.

I hate that serial sex offenders are not executed.

I feel the pain in letters from wives of damaged husbands. It is something I need to flip the coin on and find a way to see the next positive step.

I used to hate more. It feels like a dangerous indulgence to me. Maybe others can afford it. I can't. Maybe I am different than others. Maybe I am weaker. Thinking on the hate actually hurts me.

 

[don64]

I am afraid to hate.
I am afraid to hate my mother's systematically terrorizing me into submission as her sex toy from infancy on.
I am afraid to hate my mother for all her lies, all her manipulation, all her psychological craziness and terror which she poured into me.

I hate that my mother was never able to see me or validate me.
I hate that my mother did not like to touch me.
I hate that my mother was so fucking sick and had nothing to give me but her sickness.

I hate my father's violence.
I hate my father's emotional absence.
I hate my father enjoying hurting me.
I hate my father's deep damage.
I hate that he had nothing to give other than his own damage.
I hate that the only time I felt anything warm from him was when he was sexual with me as an infant and child.
I hate that I still can't remember what I believe is being violently raped by him at age 8.
I hate that he is emotionally dead.

I love that I am continuing to successfully move through this damage.
I love that I am retrieving the pieces that are me that totally scattered in an effort to remain psychically alive.
I love that, at age 64 I am able to see rays of hope at manifesting who I am.
I love that I had the courage to completely divorce my family of origin at age 53.
I love that my hatred for myself is continuously turning into love.
I love that you guys are here and continue to inspire me in directions I wouldn't find by myself.

This post is a first for me.
I love that I have been inspired to publicly state my hatreds, moving past my fears, and honestly move secret hatred out of my thinking.

Don