what i gotta do

what i gotta do
T

Thad

Registrant
sometimes protecting others is a pretty intense feeling because it grows out of our sense that we failed to protect ourselves from our SA or even to make our inner child feel safe now.

what i have learned is that what my loved ones really need is for me to heal. As I work on my recovery, I find that there is more of me to give to them, I am more clear about where I am coming from, and I set better boundaries with my loved ones.

I found that my intense need to protect and rescue is more about me, then about them.
 
Hiya Nyjah,

You been doin a lotta posting yeah? & I can see yr hurtin real bad. But chill a minute & check this out dog.

1. Hey yr 13. How did it get 2 be yr job to be strong & protect anybody? Yr the one whose supposed to be protected!

2. When u talk about bein strong I think what yr really sayin is this seems so fucked up & Im scared & just hangin on. Guess what? It IS fucked up! Big time! Its okay 2 be scared. But yr not alone okay? You got people here who can help u & care about u.

3. Its okay 2 cry. I do it a lot & so do a lot of the grownups here. Ask them. If u cry it means u feel really hurt - doesnt mean yr a failure or girly.

Everything u said so far in yr posts yeah? Its totally ok & yr a cool kid. Yr a hurt kid & that sux, but its cool yr here.

Kev
 
Demonboi
A lot of therapist use something called the Victim Triangle, it's got the point at the bottom with 'victim' on it, above that on the other points are 'saviour' and 'agressor'

The theory is we all, that's everyone not just CSA survivors, go through all these points in our behaviours, but one is usually stronger than the others and generally our starting point.

People who have suffered trauma often have 'saviour' as their strong point, especially after we've made the decision to sort ourselves out.
It's something I see in many people here, not just the Mod's but even guys who are new to MS.

We've 'lived' through trauma, and we live with the effects every day. So it's no surprise that we are keener than most people to help others from suffering like we have, and still do.
There's nothing wrong with being a 'saviour' - but there are risks, but it has to be said there are ( possibly greater ) risks if we have 'victim' or 'agressor' as our strong points on the triangle.

The big risk of being a 'saviour' is burnout from neglecting ourselves, and it's something that we need to be very aware of.
If we are aware of burnout then we can do something about it, like share the build up of problems with someone else. This is how therapists and counsellors work. If they listened to everyones problems day in - day out and kept it all to themselves then in no time at all they'd burnout throuhg the overload of other peoples problems.
What we do is spread the load, we pass all our accumulated 'problems' ( from the clients ) on to our supervisors, and they pass theirs on to their supervisors, and so on. That way everyone gets a chance to unload, and check that they're doing the right thing.

That can work for anyone, if you're helping your sister and family then SHARE the problems with someone else. There's no need for names to be mentioned, just the outline of the problems encountered.
Spread the load, ease your pressure. You'll find that being a 'saviour' is a lot easier, and it's a good point on the triangle to be at.

Dave
 
i see what your saying, so its like; don't keep everyhting bottled up inside?
 
Hiya Nyjah,

What Lloydy means is theres diffrent ways of reacting to what happened to us - like we got hurt & we think about it & we wonder now what? How does it affect us now? So some T who works with abuse cases he explains that with a triangle & at each point of the triangle theres a way you can react. Its not that there are only three ways. The triangle means theres lots of diffrent ways to react & these ways move back & forth between these three things.

Like some guys are victims yeah? Their always thinkin look what happened to me. Others get aggressive about it, & I guess that means they run around makin a big deal out of everything. I guess im at the aggressive point :D . Lloydy is sayin yr a savior type. You think about what happened to u & yr reaction is to try to protect other people - in yr words, "be strong for them".

I think the idea is that all these three ways take our attention away from what we have to do - we hafta think about us & feel better about being Kevin or Nyjah & try to get our life back. What he means is when yr all the time worryin that bone of how Nyjah can be strong for other people, theres no time for yrself & fixin yr problems. I guess the idea is we do this cos were scared we cant fix our problems or whatever.

Its like okay, I got this steep math exam & i hate math & Im no good in math, so I really need 2 study. But Im scared even if I study im gonna fail. So what do I do - I go check on my calf or look for eggs or pump up the tires on my bike.

Hmmm. Thats a bad example i guess & now im gettin mixed up. But maybe u get the idea.

Kev
 
Nyjah I have felt the same way all my life. I always would help or defend or protect everyone else except my self. I failed my schooling because I would help others but never do the work myself. I think we are always helping others and protecting others because it is easier that doing it for our selves.

The crazy thing about it is that once I said that it was me who had to be protected and saved and helped I started to realize that the others were not asking for my help. I realized that I was doing for others what I wanted someone to do for me.

The other truth is that it is good to want to help and protect others and that is part of who we are. You should be proud of yourself. I have read some of your other posts and I think you are a very strong and brave person. I have a lot of faith that you will be able to help a lot of people in your life but for now you should concentrate on yourself.
good luck.
 
Nyjah,

I agree. I am like that also. A good brother here told me something that stays with me. I am very protective of the young relatives in my life and my brother told me that maybe u feel like this because u wish u had someone to protect u.

So true. Thought I would give u an example: I am a big guy 6' 2" tall. My niece introduced me to her guy friend. I shook his hand with a stong grip and looked directy in the eyes and told him and said "U treat her good, right" He didn't say anything. If they mess with her they mess with me. I am a non-violent person and I settle things thing with words, but he doesn't know that and I didn't tell him.

I got my point across to him and that is all I needed to do.
 
i see what your saying, so its like; don't keep everyhting bottled up inside?
Click to expand...
Dan's right, "you nailed it"

And Kev has it 'nailed' as well.

Dave ;)
 
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