What I feared most... my girlfriend told...

What I feared most... my girlfriend told...
S

survive75

Registrant
I am totally fucking freaking out... I got an email from a mutual friend of my g/f and I. She asked how I was doing and that my g/f had told her that a part of why we broke up was sex and TOLD HER ABOUT THE SA!

This friend was all concerned for me and asked if I was okay, etc. I haven't replied and don't think I will. I don't want her fucking pity and I sure as hell don't want to talk about my abuse with her. I feel totally fucking betrayed and this is what I was so afraid of when we broke up. This is why I never wanted to tell my g/f in the first place!

I know that a lot of guys here have moved onto a place in recovery where they can be open about their abuse and don't care who knows because they have placed the shame with their abuser. Of course that is my ideal place to be, but I'm not there right now. I feel humiliated and mortified that anyone knows, especially people I didn't choose to tell. They will see me as damaged goods now, and I can't handle this at all.

I don't know how to deal with this. I want to completely check out... I cannot handle this.

-Sean
 
Sean,

First of all, I understand what you're going through. Even though I really don't givve a damn who knows, I want it to come out on my own terms, the same as everyone else. Secondly, your ex DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO BREAK YOUR TRUST! The betrayal you must feel is justifyable and right.

But I value you, and I care about you, and I don't want you to hurt yourself or someone else over some stupid lapse of judgment on someone else's part. You are valuable to me. Too valuable to lose over this stuff.

Try, for a second, to catch a breath. It's hard, but I want you to do it. This isn't your burden to carry, it's her's, and you shouldn't shoulder it for one more second than necessary. She obviously felt some kind of need to reveal this, why I wouldn't know, but she felt a need. Was it true malice? Was it her own mental upset? These things can help you understand why, and understanding is the first step toward working through it.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't feel angry or betrayed. You damn well should! But you have come so far and I know, KNOW you can get through this.

Please PM me Sean, if you need to. I'll be teaching, but I WILL check my PM's. I promise you that.

Peace and love, my good friend.

Scot
 
This is a huge transition for anyone, I think.

I've still only told a couple of people. I'm not exactly sure how I would feel if I was 'outed' by someone I trusted.

I would, of course, feel betrayed and that alone would be very hard to deal with. Betrayal by itself is hard but especially hard because that was always a part of the abuse I experienced.

If someone gave out details that I had shared with them (seeking their support!), details concerning what happened, I would be angry for certain, fearful that people would misunderstand and think less of me, and shame.

These are natural feelings, real and appropriate. Feelings are what I have most difficulty with so I expect to feel great pain when confronting them.

I have to know that being pushed over the hump of having someone know who may not automatically be understanding (knowledgeable) and supportive, would be extremely difficult.

It is a brave heart that experiences this whether chosen or not.

It can be survived. It is either an opportunity for those people to know you better or an opportunity to know yourself better or both. Its not your job to teach them but maybe they will learn and learning, know more about you and your fellow survivors.

Shame, as powerful as it seems, is made of thin stuff. It is of someone else's cruel manufacture. Though felt, it does not have to be owned.
 
Sean,

Yes, take a deep breath.

You took a chance on growing in your healing. I'm sorry it turned out this way. Your ex was not capable, for whatever reasons, of respecting your need for privacy.

Please don't pull away from everyone. Isolating yourself is not going to "take back" the news. You might consider contacting the mutual friend just to say, "Please don't talk about this. I did not want anyone to know."

I think a lot more guys are in the "I don't want to tell if I don't have to" place than you realize. Most of the people who know me don't know about it. And I am in no hurry to tell them.

Your ex was way out of line, but it really cannot damage you. You are still the person you were yesterday, or last week. You're still the good man whose words we all admire.

You will get through this. We're here if you need to vent, talk, whatever.

Joe
 
Sean,

I know the fear, shame and humiliation that you are feeling right now. And I won't try and minimize it.

I was forced to tell my Human Resource director when I began to look for therapy to see if our insurance covered it. She took it upon herself to "share" that information with others, which was a betrayal of trust.

Luckily it happened on a Friday, so I had the weekend to think it over. I decided that to run and hide would be just another victory for the perps. And it was hard to come in on Monday. But that was my victory.

I'm with you. Outside of sharing here and with my T, I don't want the world to know yet. Not ready for that.

I agree you should talk to this mutual friend to stop this before it goes any further. And please try and remember, though I know it's hard: You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your not the sicko, you perp is/was.

I hope this helps and you know you are always free to PM me, Sean.

Thoughts are with you,

Marc
 
Sean - believe it or not, it's exactly 5 months since I told my Boss (female) that I was abused. This was half an hour after I had told my doctor, which was just over two years since I told 3 of my best friends.

Every single one of them has supported me from the minute that they knew!

My friends simply let me know that it made no difference to them - it was not my fault.

My doctor was shell shocked, but had seen me in some fairly sensitive family situations over the years (various dying relatives that I helped to care for ...Alzheimers / Cancer / Heart failure etc) & had realised that there was something 'special' (not different) about me that made me appear strong in those situations...I had become a protector.

My Boss got me a councellor appointment within days (just before Christmas, so this wasn't easy).

How long before I dealt with it...32 years to tell friends.... 34 years to crack up & tell Doctor / Boss.

Since then I have selectively told others & I have yet to receive a negative comment (I may be very lucky in this - I don't know I can only quote my own experience).

What is very important in your case is that ...yes you have been betrayed - it is your right to tell who you want & no one elses.

The girl that is asking if you are OK may genuinely care about how you are feeling - it may not be pity that she is offering.

I have discovered that there are far more genuine people out there that care, than I could ever have imagined.

Please stay strong and someday you will realise that very few people judge us because of what happened to us...only the truly ignorant ever would.

*I still haven't told my sister after all of this time (she would be my best supporter ever once I got over the shock of telling her)...so I know what you mean by wanting to have control over who knows (haven't told my best friend since 11 years old either).

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I think you should email her back and tell her that this is something you don't want spread around . And ask her to respect you're decision on this . I can't even imagine you're pain and frustration over this . But I think you should take care of this before It has a chance to sprout and grow into something bigger . I wish you the best. much LOVE and RESPECT
 
I must say you are not alone. I have been so humiliated when I tell people. Most of them have just walked out of my life. Recently a friend of 10 years walked out. She probably told everyone in our social circle too. I spent 2 weeks planning my relocation. Then I realized. I was upset over losing something I never had. A true friend. I know she has her issues, which is why she has to walk. Nothing personal.
I will just say that maybe the person who e-mailed her concern has been through the same thing, and doesn't want you to feel as alone as you do. I don't know what to say. I told my family that I was hurting and needed help, and their first response was I was using the abuse as an excuse for everything wrong in my life - and I need to realize everything wrong in my life is my fault. I didn't that was all that helpful except to realize I am the only one who can take the actions to heal. Nobody can heal for me.
Thanks for telling your experience. I really don't think people realize how bad we feel when they react that way.
 
Trust is such a fragial thing, expecily for survivor's. Im so sorry this has happened to you. Just remember not everyone will break your trust. People (some of them anyways) are worth trusting. I know it's hard to belive at times, I know I have to be reminded all the time.

James
 
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