what i dont understand...


what i dont understand is why it hurts so much when i think of the fact that my mother didnt do anything to stop my dad from hurting me. she didnt stop the physical abuse. she didnt even stop the sexual abuse. sometimes she even laughed.

it hurts so much that she didnt care. that hurts way more than the fact that she started doing the same things herself. or maybe it doesnt. i dont know.

i guess what i dont understand is why i can accept that my father was messed up. i can accept that. i dont think that it was anything wrong with me that made him do that. well, sometimes i dont think that.

but i cant think that about her. the father abuse thing hurts. but thinking about her doing that stuff, or worse not saving me from him is crushing.

i guess thats it. i wanted her to save me. and she never did.

and i dont understand how i am supposed to get over that.


In some ways, a male being abusive is more acceptable because of the perceived male role in being dominant and leader of the family. A female is supposed to be nurturing and protective of the young. Neither, of course is to be excused for abusing children in their care. But I think that may be why one is almost acceptable and the other is crushing.

However, we cannot choose who our parents are, good or bad. We can choose what path we follow once we are out of their house, again good or bad. You are not doomed because of their abuse, nor did you deserve it. Talking about it and processing the issues is important. There are no guarantees but your willingness to post here is a good sign.
I can't explain HOW you will get over it, but I have confidence that you CAN get over it.

I first turn to therapy to deal with memories of my mother and my brother.

I could spend hours, week after week, addressing what I remembered about my brother.

I could also avoid EVER mentioning the Mom related stuff.

You are not alone.


I think the hurt is a sign of how much you love and counted on her. Isn't all emotional pain that way? A direct correlation to how much you care about the person who hurts you?
There are exceptions my case for one it was mainly strangers who abused me, and maybe yours isn't based soley on that too. But generally that is how non CSA pain affects me and why many people assume we can "just get over it" since they believe we have control over our pain in the same way we can choose not to associate with someone who hurts us or to no longer care for them.

Well thats how I see the answer to your initial question.
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While neither of my parents sexually abused me, there was HUGE amounts of emotional neglect on both their parts, I struggle with the same issue for some reason.

I can look past my father's failures most of the time, yet I have this HUGE amount of anger toward my mother over it.

Weird indeed.