What helped you understand?

[Dewey2k]

I have a friend who is a survivor, and she's starting her recovery. A the moment she wants to spend some time alone, but her friend is a major Type-A personality and wants to be there for her by being with her. That's not what she wants. I tried to explain this to him, but he wasn't very receptive.

I have a question for family members:
What did your survivor do or say that helped you understand the process of recovery and what they're dealing with?

And a question for survivors:
What did you do or say that helped family and/or friends understand the process of recovery and what we're dealing with?

 

[Trish4850]

Dewey,

This is just me OK, so take it for what it's worth. When my b/f first disclosed to me, it was swept under the rug, by both of us, because I didn't realize the ramifications of what he'd just told me. I tried to ask him some questions the next morning, but he shut me out, so I let it go. When the shit hit the fan, way later, I was a basket case because he was a basket case and all I wanted to do was make it better.

I love him and can't love and talking conquer everything? No. Why not? Because it can't. I luckily found this place and learned that survivors so desperately need their space, but they also need to know that the person or people who love them are there, sometimes in the background, sometimes not. I still struggle mightely not to try so hard to "make it better." But it's hard because I can't stand to see him in such pain. It's a difficult balance to reach.

Your friend's friend needs to learn. This place is great for that. To read the forums is to gain knowledge of what a survivor is dealing with.

The simple and yet very difficult thing to do is keep my mouth shut, most of the time. I've learned and I am still learning that sometimes he just wants to talk and wants me there to listen; other times, I'm not part of the equation at all. I know that just before and after he sees his T, all I get is a 5 minute phone conversation about nothing. He doesn't want to talk about it and he doesn't want to see me. He wants to be alone with himself to think, cry, whatever. It took me a few weeks to get that. Before I did, I caused him more stress than he was already dealing with. Now, we're OK. I'm learning what he needs and doesn't need from me and he's learning that it's OK to tell me to back off, in much nicer terms of course. He still appologizes if he's snappy after a T appointment, but my reassurance that it's OK and a quick good night, I'll talk to you tomorrow, is going a long way to relieving his stress, in that arena anyway.

If your friend's friend won't listen to you, then it has to be up to your friend to fill him in. If she says no, she doesn't want to talk or whatever and the friend insists on it, then she has to take the bull by the horns and separate herself from him. Not forever, for the moment, until he "gets it" and only responds to what she needs instead of trying to "fix it." Men are notorious fixers, so this will be difficult for him.

That's asking alot of a survivor who is just starting on the road to recovery, but it will go a long way toward making her life just a smidge easier. She obviously trusted her friend enough to let him in on what she's going through. That actually says good things about him. She needs that same trust to tell him what she does and doesn't need from him. It may take time for him to adjust and learn, but I think the result will be positive.

Good luck to you all.

ROCK ON.........Trish

 

[SAR]

Hi D2k,

What did your survivor do or say that helped you understand the process of recovery and what they're dealing with?

I wouldn't say that his disclosure helped me understand exactly-- but it opened my eyes to the magnitude of his experience, if that makes any sense. I could see how afraid he was of the consequences of disclosing, how important my reaction was to him-- and how immediate and real his perception of danger was, even though the events were long past and he was safe.

It was a moment that convinced me of the different needs of male and female survivors. But I don't want to get off-topic so I will put away the soapbox.

As hard a lesson as it was-- there were a few times in the beginning when he took a step backward-- and those helped me to see that recovery *is* a process which can be hard for anyone to really understand or control-- even the survivor.

At first, "just listen" or "just give him/her space" sounds like "do nothing" in the face of the survivor's huge grief and pain. It takes some faith and trust in the survivor to wait in the sidelines. I guess after I realized how my needing to jump in translated into a LACK of trust in him and his capability to heal independently, it made the prospect of jumping in seem less supportive.

The best "spoken" advice I've received on this topic came from a survivor on this site-- the only direction you can push is away.


I am having a similar experience with a friend right now-- his fairly new girlfriend shared some of her past with him, and his behavior with her has been very reactive since then-- he has taken it upon himself to walk on eggshells in a way that is clearly putting her off and making her feel more self-conscious about the things she told him. -- Hell, it is putting ME off... it's a little overboard.